140 Milestone

                                                                                        Mood:Surprised
Yesterday was the day I gave into the voices. I b/p 3x.

There was no guilt, just acceptance.

This morning the alarm has gone off and I am up and out of bed. Exhausted from yesterdays purging, I am extra sleepy. To the scale I go. Not what I expected, 140lbs today. This was a goal I had given myself the entire month of September to reach, yet here I've done it with a week to spare.

I didn't work out yesterday, just didn't have it in me.
I've bought something called dieter's tea..oh boy hello new version of a lax!
I think I'm in love..it takes awhile to work, but it does.
So now I've reached another milestone, looking forward to moving into the 130's now. I will give myself another month to do it and see If I can surprise myself again. I have the Festival at my daughter's school tonight, I'm hoping it won't be a total bust. I want to try and make the most of it, look nice and equally feel that way. I want to do this for her. I'm suppose to be fasting, but instead I will just go through the day and see where it takes me, I don't want to set the bar to high and fail.
For today anyways, this will be my frame of mind.
I managed to get a morning workout in, and during my shower the dizziness started, everything went black on me, it scared me. I hope the dizziness goes away soon, I need to be able to function tonight.
Every time I get up the room spins and my head hurts. I'm going to the library this weekend and will check out some very inspiring books, I need to get into the mindset and get Ana back.

    
Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
"Why?" is the wrong question.
Ask "Why not?"
-Laurie Halse Anderson  "Wintergirls"

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Surrender

                                                                                            Mood:Hyper
The morning starts off all wrong.
The lax is still in effect.
The scale says 141.
Nothing lost. Nothing gained.
My mood is immediately altered. I'm pissed. Mia ruined yesterdays fast. I'm paying for it today.
I have the clinic today. I absolutely dread the hospitals. I have major panic attacks there. I always feel depressed the minute I step foot on the premises. So I'm up, supplements & meds are gobbled up.
I'm debating now. It feels like one of those days were I just wanna punish myself. I just don't want to care today, have the endless chatter in my head, debating even the most trivial of decisions. I might not fight today, I'm seriously thinking about a proper binge session, not like the wasted one I had yesterday.
I put these thoughts in the back of my mind for now.
We're dressed, my daughter is extra happy today, its nice. I figure its because she got to miss school.
I managed to put away the mess from the renovations now that the men will not be coming back. The place looks nice and clean. They did a good job.
The weather outside is very nice today, windy and sunny. Feels like fall.
The weather is so nice, I can finally cut the ac off and just have the windows open.
It feels like a good day for a binge.
On the way to the clinic the drive is slow. My husband is ass backwards. When you're meant to drive slow, normal speed limit, he races down the street like a race track and he must be declared the winner.
Now that its important and I need him to drive a little bit faster so I'll make it on time, he drives like grandma moses. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose just to get a rise outta me.
My appointment is at eleven, its now ten thirty. The hospital is not that far from where I live, ten minutes or so.
ENT (ear, nose, throat) department always requires pre-registration before they will actually see you. That means I have to sit in a lobby and wait for my number to be called. they will check my daughters insurance card and then okay her in the system to be seen.
This is why I need him to rush. I want to beat the crowds.
Can you drive faster?
"I can't drive fast in this car, don't you understand!" he barks at me.
My car is in serious need of an oil change. Hence the speed problem I assume. I don't know why he hasn't taken it to get serviced yet? He's the one with the testicles, so he's meant to deal solely with the mechanic.
Trigger set.
Why must he answer like that?
I guess its because he was telling a story and I was tuning him out, but then interrupted.
He calls the mechanic to tell him that he would be dropping the car off after he drops me off at the hospital. My daughter in the backseat in her booster chair decides to cut the tension and shouts "I love you mommy!"
I thaw out a little bit. He's done with the phone and hands it to me. I grab it from him, and he tugs it back trying to be playful. I'm not interested. I'm already having a bad morning, this just pushes me lower.
"What's wrong?" he asks completely clueless.
Nothing.
I arrive at the clinic registration booth early. There are no people. I've beaten the crowds. I get my number and two minutes later we're called and all set to be seen upstairs at the clinic. This is going to go quick today, I was right they call us in minutes and my daughter is seen.

Now I've finally made up my mind on the way home. Today I will surrender to Mia. No fighting it this time, easy and painless.

I go to the supermarket and this time I know what I want and I go for it. At home I get to cooking. Found some dieter's tea at the market too, that should come in handy later. I don't feel guilty today, I feel liberated. There isn't that awful inner struggle to do or don't do. Just for today I do not care. I need this. I'm am exhausted, my mind is overloaded with too much information. My husband is off today, so that means the b/p have to be calculated in case he notices. I wish he would just take my kid to the park, it would be so much easier. He doesn't. So I make the most of it. The first b/p goes off without a hitch, the second takes a little more planning, but its done. I don't know yet if I'm pulling another one yet, its getting late and I really want to workout, but I think one more just to get it all out of my system for the night. Tomorrow is a festival at school, so that should be safe, maybe. There is going to be a lot of food there and countless parents. I don't even want to think about that yet.

I don't care today about anything or anyone. I would love nothing more than to just lock myself away for a weekend in a room where no one can touch me. I just want quiet. I don't want to be responsible for anyone anymore, least of all me. This is today.

Tomorrow? I won't get my hopes up, I'll just open my eyes in the morning and take it from there.

Gave In

                                                                                               Mood:Calm
So I caved.
I gave up and gave in to the urge to b/p.
Twice.
Ah, I ruined the fast..I thought I could manage but I was wrong.
I started cooking and cleaning up, it was a wasted binge. I regret it.
I worked out afterwards, didn't have much energy only burned 500 cals this time. I showered and just took a lax. Hoping the pound I lost and all my hard work wouldn't be a wasted effort. I have four progesterone left, once those little white pills are done I'm back on the OEP. Those pills help with the cravings at least, I might be able to stand a chance and fend Mia off.
On the bright side the men finished the work order on my apartment. My floors are done, everything is repaired. One less trigger.
Tomorrow is the clinic, a follow up for my daughter who had her tonsils removed last month. It should be quick, I hope.
I really wanted to be strong today but I've failed. I can't believe it. I was doing so well, I am so disappointed in myself.
The rest of the night will fly by, I've already done the deed. If I were still on the fast then this would be a different scenario, the night would've dragged endlessly on. I hope tomorrow will be better than this..
Not feeling cold anymore either, ah Mia and her mind games. No headache or chest pains, no panic.
I'm tired, I think I will wrap this up and go have a cigarette and a bit of fresh air outside, clear my mind and get back into the mindset of a winner, someone who has true willpower and can succeed in their goals.

Undecided

                                                                                        Mood:Tempted
OK so its the afternoon now.
I've finally managed to weigh myself, I've lost a pound. 141 today.
The workers have finished my daughters room and my bathroom door is back. The kitchen cabinets are being painted, after that I believe we're done.
Here's the problem.
I'm fasting, day 2, so far so good right? No.
I'm trying my best not to cave. Its 2 o'clock and I have to get my daughter from school, I'm out in the sunshine, it feels nice out today, it feels like fall weather is upon us soon. The sun is warm but not scorching, a nice change from the freezing cold I'm feeling in my body.
The drive is stress free, no anxiety yet.
Now I remember that there is nothing to cook at home. This last grocery shopping day, I barely bought anything, I didn't want to encourage the binge, so I bought little useless things, small ingredients to whip up a quick meal. Now I'm all out. I have ground beef in the freezer, and a sack of rice.
Rice the one thing I have been craving all day.
I also had some steak in the freezer, all I need is a bread and I can make steak sandwiches. There's no bread in the house of course.
Hmm the store and the bakery. Big triggers for me. How can I avoid this?
I ask my husband to go buy the bread that way I can avoid the bakery, he says no.
Please?
"No. I can't, I have to get ready for work and move the furniture back into the room, plus the cable man might stop by."
Shit.
He doesn't care, he doesn't fucking get it. I have a problem here. I am trying to be good and not cave in. Does he help no. He has become such a trigger its remarkable. I am mad, I want to just snap at him. My hands are tied I have to go to the store, I feel like that movie the green mile, the walk to the store feels like the long walk to the chair or gas chamber.
I can't believe I'm back to this place. Here again, Mia there with me laughing at me. Fool.
The store, what to do. The binge can sometimes happen on its own, whatever is on hand there you go. Sometimes my binges are planned, I'll have a horrible day and say fuck it, fuck you, you deserve this. You deserve to suffer with this.
So I'll go to great lengths to cook a meal and have dessert, I know what I want to binge on and I go for it.
This doesn't feel like that now. This feels different.
I'm in the store with a basket in hand, walking around looking at all the food and all the possibilities and I don't feel it.
I grab some beans, tomato sauce for the meat. I guess I'm making peccadillo tonight. It will cook fast 20 minutes and everything will be done.
Now we need the dreaded bread that started all this mess..I grab one, no better get two.
Walking the aisles, not knowing what to buy? I'm not even hungry.
I want a soda, there are no diet ones, guess I'm not drinking soda. Then all of a sudden the very last Pepsi Zero in sight, hidden behind another soda. I grab it and shake my head in disbelief. The other night I was craving chocolate cake, which is just random and weird. I haven't eaten chocolate cake since 1997. The last time I ate a piece of chocolate cake was when my father was losing his battle to cancer and he was constantly being admitted to the hospital. The hospital cafeteria always had it in stock. After my father died I don't know I just lost the taste for it?
But yes I was craving that, so as I'm at the checkout of this little store, I look over to my right and there was the cake.
Its like everything has fallen into place, all the pieces clicking in my puzzle.
I get it of course.
I feel defeated and angry. As I'm walking home my chest begins to hurt, the panic is setting in. I have all the components for a proper binge. I don't want to. Now as I get home the triggers are greater and the fight in me is leaving. I bought another lax too.
My chest officially hurts, I am mad at everyone. I think I should just give in. I can't do this anymore. I haven't done anything yet because the meat has to defrost and there is a huge mess to put away but its there for the taking. I'm waiting for the trigger known as husband to leave and go to work, maybe with him gone I can think straight. Right now I just want to scream and cry.
Not a good afternoon I'm afraid, no not at all.
I'm undecided at the moment, tempted and unstoppable. What would you do?
Wish this day would just end, but that's not the problem, I am the problem, it keeps getting harder everyday. It will continue this way for as long as I allow it.
I'm undecided..

Late

                                                                                           Mood:Hungover
I pop out of bed and realize its 8:03.
Omg I'm late! Grrr the ol' ball and chain hit the snooze button on the alarm clock.
I don't like to start off the day like this. My daughter goes to a charter school and they are so strict and specific about tardies.
Ugh, my head..
Drank two beers last night and smoked countless cigarettes, I had to finish unpacking. Now normally I can throw them back, but not anymore, having an empty stomach constantly makes for interesting alcohol consumption.
Two beers and I was tipsy, I thought that would be it, I had to get up in the morning and talk with my daughter's teacher concerning the Festival at her school. Its 2am and my husband arrives from a long day at work, he's tired and decides to workout before the next task is upon us-moving furniture out of my daughter's room.
To kill time while he works out, I start to purge, clothes this time not food. I'm getting rid of heaps of clothing that no longer fit me anymore..I wasn't left with much. It will have to be awhile before I can go shopping for new clothes, seeing as how I'm currently unemployed at the moment and my only source of funds comes from someone else.
Its now 3am and time to get cracking. hubby has a drink of Brandy and I am on beer number three! We start to get the furniture out as quietly as we can, it takes us twice as long because of my cigarette breaks. Well were half done, I'm officially plastered and sleepy, I am of no further use in this state. Hubby keeps dozing off with the cup in his hand. To bed at 4am. I have to be back up at 7, I can function on exactly three hours sleep, I suffer from insomnia, if I sleep more than three I can't make it through the day. I'd be sluggish, I won't even get back outta the bed, sleep the day away.
So now drunken dreamland..
I distinctly remember hearing the alarm, and closing my eyes for just a minute, when I opened them back again it was morning and I was late.
Pet peeve:Tardiness!
I don't like to be tardy, and I don't like others to be. I think its incredibly rude and self indulgent. I immediately awake and start the bitching.
"You idiot! how could you hit the snooze button!"
Husband jumps out of the bed like a pop tart in the toaster and starts to put his shoes on, he doesn't even have time to rub the crusts out of his eyes, there is no time. The workers will be here any minute too.
I start the rude awakening with my daughter-lets go were late!
Its funny how in a crisis the problem suddenly becomes every one's and the blame is thrown around, my mistake was now every body's dilemma.
We're up and teeth are being brushed and tangled hair is being pulled into buns. I dress my daughter quickly, I start to feel bad because there is no time to make her breakfast, (note to self:buy cereal bars or at least carnation instant breakfast powder-crap mom shame on you!)
we are in panic mode, no one escapes my wrath this morning, not even the cats, I believe one got stepped on at least twice, while the other got knocked over from a table.
She is dressed, I am not, I assumed since hubby was up, he's taking her to school, I was wrong.
"Who is gonna move the rest of this furniture and greet the men?"
Grr!
Fine. Now I had to wash the dumb look off my face and find something to wear in this mess. I looked drunk. I was actually hungover. My head is pounding and I'm tired and still under the effects of the laxative from the day before. All I wanted to really do at that moment was weigh myself..
I was dying to see if one day of fasting changed anything?
I doubt it. Can you tell already that I see the glass half empty?
The men are here. There is no bathroom door, they are replacing that too. Great.
I have to get dressed, I throw on the nearest black tank top and jeans, flip flops, hair in a bandanna and grab the car keys and cell phone. One of the workers asked if I could clear the mess from under the sink, they are replacing a pipe. I was told they were not gonna touch that, there is a lot of stuff down there.
A huge smile comes across my face suddenly..I nod and smile and tell the man "Tell my husband to do it."
He wanted to stay and be helpful to the workers instead of taking my daughter to school, well happy moving!
Hehehe..
I'm out the door, we are in the car. As I pull up into my kid's school parking lot, at first I think that I've made it on time? There are so many parents outside dropping their own kids off. I go into the office tugging my sleepy five year old to get a late pass. There is a line!
Ah, Mondays.
I was surprised with how many children were late, the parents fidgeting in line checking the time on their cell phones, everyone irked.
This school is strict I hope I wasn't gonna get chewed out to badly. The opposite, the friendly office girl who always remembers me and my daughter by name assures me its fine. She gets a late pass and is off to class, or rather I had to give her sleepy little body a nudge in the right direction.
I ask about the festivities, it was easy. I always manage to drown myself in a glass of water, everything that was required of me was completely doable.
Relief, I thought this would trigger me, but so far I've managed. The drive to the school set off my anxiety a little and my breathing started to get shallow, but I've been working on a technique to get it under control, and I did finally. So far a bad start to the morning, but everything seems to be right on track again..for now.
I haven't weighed. I need to know the number. I can't weigh properly, I'd strip to nothing when I weigh, even removing any jewelry and eyeglasses, nothing else can hinder the extra weight. I can't do that yet. So now I'm just waiting. I was nervous for a minute thinking hubby was going to bring up breakfast again, and then the b/p would start, but instead he's gone back to sleep. Good.
The fast starts again-day 2.
No incidents, no sign of Mia.
I've taken my meds and supplements. I'm cold.
The cold has been felt a lot lately. My thermostat is at 80 sometimes if I can get away with it. I'm not the only one who lives in this house.
Nice to me is hot to someone else. I'm cold, I don't like it. I had a sweater last night, it was cold in the house, it was cold outside. I can't walk around in a sweater in front of these workers, they'd give me looks. The warmth from the laptop feels nice on my legs, an instant heater at least. I hope the rest of the day will be fine, no triggers, at least none that I can handle. Tomorrow is the clinic, at least its not that early. I hope the workers finish today and give me back my bathroom door. I can't do another day like this. I feel so ugly today, sticky. My chest stings a little, its the anxiety again. A constant reminder that something is not right in my head. The Tylenol is helping with the headache, my legs keep falling asleep. The men keep working rather slowly, my stomach and kidneys hurt. The effects of the lax are still being felt. My cable is out, I completely forgot about that, my sloth husband needs to call the technician.
Pet peeve:Procrastination!
So far I'm OK, currently chatting with a friend online, was so sorry to hear that she caved last night. I hope today is better for us both.
Let's see how the day progresses. I will try to stay positive and focused. Remember this is what you want, you can't fail at everything. Somethings gotta give..

Live by this or don't bother breathing..

Fast

                                                                                              Mood:Cranky

So today I'm fasting..

Its night and I think I have pulled this off. Last night I took a lax and as of today I am 142lbs.

The craving is there in the background..even now as I'm typing these words, the urge to just give into Mia is unbearable. I can't give in to the voices. I can't listen. So I tried my hardest today and fasted, it was nice to know that there were a few of us today online, all going through a similar fast, everyone trying to deal as best they could, all of us tired of Mia and the complications she brings.
My mind is playing tricks on me, my chest is stinging and the headache is trying its best hurt me, I know its not real, its the anxiety disorder, I'm going into panic mode.
I'm thinking about tomorrow and all the chaos that will ensue. The maintenance men have to come back in the morning and finish the work they started, someone has to be here, but more daunting is the task of removing everything out of my daughter's room so they can fix the floor.
I have to talk to my daughter's teacher, she has Hispanic Heritage week at her school, so that means donations, dressing up, attending events and I have to volunteer my time. Ugh.
My head spins just thinking about all errands I have to run in addition to that.
My daughter has a Dr.s App. later in the week too!
I have zero energy to deal with all of this. I still haven't finished unpacking all of the things that were moved from the floor repair. I have to get rid of a ton of clothes that just fall of me. I won't have much left to wear I reckon..I can't even tell you what size jeans or even bra I am anymore, I'm just shrinking away.
God, I am so triggered right now and frustrated.
The dam cable is out too..Grrrr
I feel like I'm about to implode, I'm so snappy lately..This fast is not helping, I see why quitting anything cold turkey is so hard.
There are Nicotine patches to ween you off smoking, there should be a similar one to ween you off Mia..
Why is this so hard? It doesn't help matters that I am the only one dealing with all of this, if it doesn't get done, its my fault. I feel like a scratched Cd, just skipping on the same song. I'm a stump, short, wide and useless.
I need a cigarette.
I should be happy today, I am in a way, I've finally got over the 144 plateau. I also got a chance to have a proper workout finally. 800 cals outta my system.
The progesterone is doing its magic, I'm feeling the PMS less (sort of). Someone even suggested that I have a doppelganger..I couldn't believe when I saw the pictures, I'm still a little skeptical, this woman is gorgeous, I'd hardly qualify to even be her shadow..

You be the judge (cringes)

samaire armstrong

samaire armstrong

These are small victories that I should be enjoying but I'm not really, I can't enjoy anything anymore..

I keep getting this awful-I want to cry feeling? I don't know why, I hate it.
I think its the depression trying its best to take over, instead of full blown, its trying in little increments.
Tomorrow..triggers, and little willpower.
The fast is coming along, I haven't drank any liquids, I'm afraid it will lead to a binge. I don't want to taste anything. I've had gum and my supplements, and I feel fine, I'm not lightheaded or dizzy. I think I can go three days, a good fast. Hopefully there won't be any incidents to set me back.
As much as I want this day to end, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow..
I hope it all goes well for me, I'm going to continue the fast, really do it. I have to remember what it is I truly want, the bigger picture, everything else around me is just collateral damage.
I will do this, one more day in the struggle, one more day in the Styx.
                                   Thinspro to help me focus..

Mia's Doing

                                                                                       Mood:Exhausted
The day begins with a headache at 8am.
Its Saturday and I'd normally be asleep till ten. Not today.
Today is another hectic day full of workers coming and going out of my apartment. They are ripping out my floor and replacing it all with new tile.

       
 My husband and I spent half the night moving the beds and clutter into the vacant apartment. There were neighbors who complained about the noise. Tired as my husband was from a very long day at work and arriving just after midnight, he found the energy to put the neighbors in their place. The remainder of the night we drank and talked about this and that.
He's starting to ask more questions about my Ed. According to him, he's concerned about me, that's good to know.
I can only give him short brief answers. I can't go into details yet. He can't know all the sordid awful specifics yet.
The hallways are littered with sawdust and obstructed with our belongings, what a mess. The vacant apartment is now home to my big bed and my daughter's t.v, the room is cold and its bare white walls are inviting, a fresh start it says. This could all be yours..
Sleep was acquired thanks to a drunken haze.
In the morning the handymen were groggy and cranky, another long, tedious day of labor to look forward to. Strong Cuban coffee was passed around to give everyone a jolt, myself included.
My scale and supplements were buried under a mountain of clutter in the hall.
Seek and you shall find-bingo!
I was right back at 144 today, Mia's doing. The Progesterone is working, the bleeding is going away. Soon I'll be able to take the OEP again.
I'm hoping half of the job is done today, maybe I can manage a jog later. Sit ups and leg lifts were all I could do yesterday amidst the packing.
My husband has left and returned with breakfast. Here we go again. I can't even tell you the amount of calories I just consumed because my Internet is down. I'm sure its in the thousands. The workers are moving fast, the floor is coming along. My husband is tired and decides to get a nap in before going to work later. I go purge.
Easy.
It all comes back up so fast. The acid burns my top lip, there's a blister now, I will be pressing my tongue on that all day I suspect. The headache gets intense then subsides. The deed is done..and later one more time.
Why is it always easy to do? Why does the opportunity present itself?
Its like a Mia Jedi mind trick. She says the right words and everything changes course. So this is how I've started the morning. I hate that I have no Internet. My thoughts are of a friend right now, I'm wondering how she's holding up in her own battle against Mia this morning? Yesterday she did great, I'm proud of her for not caving in.
We have to rejoice in the days we don't give in even though they are few and far in between. Despite it all I feel calm today. I suspect its because the fight has been put on hold. The cigarettes are helpful again, I smell like an ashtray. Its a small price to pay for a suppressant.
Everything seems to be finally falling into place for me again. All around the big pieces are clicking. I'm getting all the things I've wanted. People on the other hand don't work out like that. Sometimes you want the unobtainable. Its not for you to have. God takes people out of our lives who are negative and hold
us back, he makes room for the new ones to arrive. I've hardened over the years with each wound and trauma. I'm wondering who will finally come along to soften me finally and tell me its gonna be OK, that I will be OK and truly mean it. I hope I can believe it.
 As the day drags along, and countless DVDs have been watched, the workers are wrapping up. My poor cats are running around the strange empty apartment looking for their escape. They miss home, I don't blame them.
B/p twice today..I couldn't even work out. 
Now I have to move everything back into the original apartment, the men will be back on Monday to finish. I'm tired. I feel spent.
I'm taking a lax tonight, maybe I could finally move out of 144 that's been hanging around too much lately. I've been invited to join a fast. I think I will try. I'm hoping Mia will get off my back finally.
Well I'm off to shower, I need to finish unpacking. Then a quick ciggy and maybe jump to the forum and see how the rest of the girls are holding up on this strange Saturday.
Good luck to us all tomorrow. Another new day to try all over again.