Tuesday, September 21, 2010


The morning starts off all wrong.
The lax is still in effect.
The scale says 141.
Nothing lost. Nothing gained.
My mood is immediately altered. I'm pissed. Mia ruined yesterdays fast. I'm paying for it today.
I have the clinic today. I absolutely dread the hospitals. I have major panic attacks there. I always feel depressed the minute I step foot on the premises. So I'm up, supplements & meds are gobbled up.
I'm debating now. It feels like one of those days were I just wanna punish myself. I just don't want to care today, have the endless chatter in my head, debating even the most trivial of decisions. I might not fight today, I'm seriously thinking about a proper binge session, not like the wasted one I had yesterday.
I put these thoughts in the back of my mind for now.
We're dressed, my daughter is extra happy today, its nice. I figure its because she got to miss school.
I managed to put away the mess from the renovations now that the men will not be coming back. The place looks nice and clean. They did a good job.
The weather outside is very nice today, windy and sunny. Feels like fall.
The weather is so nice, I can finally cut the ac off and just have the windows open.
It feels like a good day for a binge.
On the way to the clinic the drive is slow. My husband is ass backwards. When you're meant to drive slow, normal speed limit, he races down the street like a race track and he must be declared the winner.
Now that its important and I need him to drive a little bit faster so I'll make it on time, he drives like grandma moses. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose just to get a rise outta me.
My appointment is at eleven, its now ten thirty. The hospital is not that far from where I live, ten minutes or so.
ENT (ear, nose, throat) department always requires pre-registration before they will actually see you. That means I have to sit in a lobby and wait for my number to be called. they will check my daughters insurance card and then okay her in the system to be seen.
This is why I need him to rush. I want to beat the crowds.
Can you drive faster?
"I can't drive fast in this car, don't you understand!" he barks at me.
My car is in serious need of an oil change. Hence the speed problem I assume. I don't know why he hasn't taken it to get serviced yet? He's the one with the testicles, so he's meant to deal solely with the mechanic.
Trigger set.
Why must he answer like that?
I guess its because he was telling a story and I was tuning him out, but then interrupted.
He calls the mechanic to tell him that he would be dropping the car off after he drops me off at the hospital. My daughter in the backseat in her booster chair decides to cut the tension and shouts "I love you mommy!"
I thaw out a little bit. He's done with the phone and hands it to me. I grab it from him, and he tugs it back trying to be playful. I'm not interested. I'm already having a bad morning, this just pushes me lower.
"What's wrong?" he asks completely clueless.
I arrive at the clinic registration booth early. There are no people. I've beaten the crowds. I get my number and two minutes later we're called and all set to be seen upstairs at the clinic. This is going to go quick today, I was right they call us in minutes and my daughter is seen.

Now I've finally made up my mind on the way home. Today I will surrender to Mia. No fighting it this time, easy and painless.
I go to the supermarket and this time I know what I want and I go for it. At home I get to cooking. Found some dieter's tea at the market too, that should come in handy later. I don't feel guilty today, I feel liberated. There isn't that awful inner struggle to do or don't do. Just for today I do not care. I need this. I'm am exhausted, my mind is overloaded with too much information. My husband is off today, so that means the b/p have to be calculated in case he notices. I wish he would just take my kid to the park, it would be so much easier. He doesn't. So I make the most of it. The first b/p goes off without a hitch, the second takes a little more planning, but its done. I don't know yet if I'm pulling another one yet, its getting late and I really want to workout, but I think one more just to get it all out of my system for the night. Tomorrow is a festival at school, so that should be safe, maybe. There is going to be a lot of food there and countless parents. I don't even want to think about that yet.
I don't care today about anything or anyone. I would love nothing more than to just lock myself away for a weekend in a room where no one can touch me. I just want quiet. I don't want to be responsible for anyone anymore, least of all me. This is today.
Tomorrow? I won't get my hopes up, I'll just open my eyes in the morning and take it from there.


AKA 'Krystal' said...

hey Lu - im with u... i totall just gave up for today and let mia hold my hand and walk me through the crap that was going on... tomorrow we will both be stronger we can do this! fast!