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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Fast

                                                                                              Mood:Cranky
So today I'm fasting..
Its night and I think I have pulled this off. Last night I took a lax and as of today I am 142lbs.
The craving is there in the background..even now as I'm typing these words, the urge to just give into Mia is unbearable. I can't give in to the voices. I can't listen. So I tried my hardest today and fasted, it was nice to know that there were a few of us today online, all going through a similar fast, everyone trying to deal as best they could, all of us tired of Mia and the complications she brings.
My mind is playing tricks on me, my chest is stinging and the headache is trying its best hurt me, I know its not real, its the anxiety disorder, I'm going into panic mode.
I'm thinking about tomorrow and all the chaos that will ensue. The maintenance men have to come back in the morning and finish the work they started, someone has to be here, but more daunting is the task of removing everything out of my daughter's room so they can fix the floor.
I have to talk to my daughter's teacher, she has Hispanic Heritage week at her school, so that means donations, dressing up, attending events and I have to volunteer my time. Ugh.
My head spins just thinking about all errands I have to run in addition to that.
My daughter has a Dr.s App. later in the week too!
I have zero energy to deal with all of this. I still haven't finished unpacking all of the things that were moved from the floor repair. I have to get rid of a ton of clothes that just fall of me. I won't have much left to wear I reckon..I can't even tell you what size jeans or even bra I am anymore, I'm just shrinking away.
God, I am so triggered right now and frustrated.
The dam cable is out too..Grrrr
I feel like I'm about to implode, I'm so snappy lately..This fast is not helping, I see why quitting anything cold turkey is so hard.
There are Nicotine patches to ween you off smoking, there should be a similar one to ween you off Mia..
Why is this so hard? It doesn't help matters that I am the only one dealing with all of this, if it doesn't get done, its my fault. I feel like a scratched Cd, just skipping on the same song. I'm a stump, short, wide and useless.
I need a cigarette.
I should be happy today, I am in a way, I've finally got over the 144 plateau. I also got a chance to have a proper workout finally. 800 cals outta my system.
The progesterone is doing its magic, I'm feeling the PMS less (sort of). Someone even suggested that I have a doppelganger..I couldn't believe when I saw the pictures, I'm still a little skeptical, this woman is gorgeous, I'd hardly qualify to even be her shadow..
You be the judge (cringes)

samaire armstrong
samaire armstrong

These are small victories that I should be enjoying but I'm not really, I can't enjoy anything anymore..
I keep getting this awful-I want to cry feeling? I don't know why, I hate it.
I think its the depression trying its best to take over, instead of full blown, its trying in little increments.
Tomorrow..triggers, and little willpower.
The fast is coming along, I haven't drank any liquids, I'm afraid it will lead to a binge. I don't want to taste anything. I've had gum and my supplements, and I feel fine, I'm not lightheaded or dizzy. I think I can go three days, a good fast. Hopefully there won't be any incidents to set me back.
As much as I want this day to end, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow..
I hope it all goes well for me, I'm going to continue the fast, really do it. I have to remember what it is I truly want, the bigger picture, everything else around me is just collateral damage.
I will do this, one more day in the struggle, one more day in the Styx.
                                   Thinspro to help me focus..





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