Monday, September 20, 2010


I pop out of bed and realize its 8:03.
Omg I'm late! Grrr the ol' ball and chain hit the snooze button on the alarm clock.
I don't like to start off the day like this. My daughter goes to a charter school and they are so strict and specific about tardies.
Ugh, my head..
Drank two beers last night and smoked countless cigarettes, I had to finish unpacking. Now normally I can throw them back, but not anymore, having an empty stomach constantly makes for interesting alcohol consumption.
Two beers and I was tipsy, I thought that would be it, I had to get up in the morning and talk with my daughter's teacher concerning the Festival at her school. Its 2am and my husband arrives from a long day at work, he's tired and decides to workout before the next task is upon us-moving furniture out of my daughter's room.
To kill time while he works out, I start to purge, clothes this time not food. I'm getting rid of heaps of clothing that no longer fit me anymore..I wasn't left with much. It will have to be awhile before I can go shopping for new clothes, seeing as how I'm currently unemployed at the moment and my only source of funds comes from someone else.
Its now 3am and time to get cracking. hubby has a drink of Brandy and I am on beer number three! We start to get the furniture out as quietly as we can, it takes us twice as long because of my cigarette breaks. Well were half done, I'm officially plastered and sleepy, I am of no further use in this state. Hubby keeps dozing off with the cup in his hand. To bed at 4am. I have to be back up at 7, I can function on exactly three hours sleep, I suffer from insomnia, if I sleep more than three I can't make it through the day. I'd be sluggish, I won't even get back outta the bed, sleep the day away.
So now drunken dreamland..
I distinctly remember hearing the alarm, and closing my eyes for just a minute, when I opened them back again it was morning and I was late.
Pet peeve:Tardiness!
I don't like to be tardy, and I don't like others to be. I think its incredibly rude and self indulgent. I immediately awake and start the bitching.
"You idiot! how could you hit the snooze button!"
Husband jumps out of the bed like a pop tart in the toaster and starts to put his shoes on, he doesn't even have time to rub the crusts out of his eyes, there is no time. The workers will be here any minute too.
I start the rude awakening with my daughter-lets go were late!
Its funny how in a crisis the problem suddenly becomes every one's and the blame is thrown around, my mistake was now every body's dilemma.
We're up and teeth are being brushed and tangled hair is being pulled into buns. I dress my daughter quickly, I start to feel bad because there is no time to make her breakfast, (note to self:buy cereal bars or at least carnation instant breakfast powder-crap mom shame on you!)
we are in panic mode, no one escapes my wrath this morning, not even the cats, I believe one got stepped on at least twice, while the other got knocked over from a table.
She is dressed, I am not, I assumed since hubby was up, he's taking her to school, I was wrong.
"Who is gonna move the rest of this furniture and greet the men?"
Fine. Now I had to wash the dumb look off my face and find something to wear in this mess. I looked drunk. I was actually hungover. My head is pounding and I'm tired and still under the effects of the laxative from the day before. All I wanted to really do at that moment was weigh myself..
I was dying to see if one day of fasting changed anything?
I doubt it. Can you tell already that I see the glass half empty?
The men are here. There is no bathroom door, they are replacing that too. Great.
I have to get dressed, I throw on the nearest black tank top and jeans, flip flops, hair in a bandanna and grab the car keys and cell phone. One of the workers asked if I could clear the mess from under the sink, they are replacing a pipe. I was told they were not gonna touch that, there is a lot of stuff down there.
A huge smile comes across my face suddenly..I nod and smile and tell the man "Tell my husband to do it."
He wanted to stay and be helpful to the workers instead of taking my daughter to school, well happy moving!
I'm out the door, we are in the car. As I pull up into my kid's school parking lot, at first I think that I've made it on time? There are so many parents outside dropping their own kids off. I go into the office tugging my sleepy five year old to get a late pass. There is a line!
Ah, Mondays.
I was surprised with how many children were late, the parents fidgeting in line checking the time on their cell phones, everyone irked.
This school is strict I hope I wasn't gonna get chewed out to badly. The opposite, the friendly office girl who always remembers me and my daughter by name assures me its fine. She gets a late pass and is off to class, or rather I had to give her sleepy little body a nudge in the right direction.
I ask about the festivities, it was easy. I always manage to drown myself in a glass of water, everything that was required of me was completely doable.
Relief, I thought this would trigger me, but so far I've managed. The drive to the school set off my anxiety a little and my breathing started to get shallow, but I've been working on a technique to get it under control, and I did finally. So far a bad start to the morning, but everything seems to be right on track again..for now.
I haven't weighed. I need to know the number. I can't weigh properly, I'd strip to nothing when I weigh, even removing any jewelry and eyeglasses, nothing else can hinder the extra weight. I can't do that yet. So now I'm just waiting. I was nervous for a minute thinking hubby was going to bring up breakfast again, and then the b/p would start, but instead he's gone back to sleep. Good.
The fast starts again-day 2.
No incidents, no sign of Mia.
I've taken my meds and supplements. I'm cold.
The cold has been felt a lot lately. My thermostat is at 80 sometimes if I can get away with it. I'm not the only one who lives in this house.
Nice to me is hot to someone else. I'm cold, I don't like it. I had a sweater last night, it was cold in the house, it was cold outside. I can't walk around in a sweater in front of these workers, they'd give me looks. The warmth from the laptop feels nice on my legs, an instant heater at least. I hope the rest of the day will be fine, no triggers, at least none that I can handle. Tomorrow is the clinic, at least its not that early. I hope the workers finish today and give me back my bathroom door. I can't do another day like this. I feel so ugly today, sticky. My chest stings a little, its the anxiety again. A constant reminder that something is not right in my head. The Tylenol is helping with the headache, my legs keep falling asleep. The men keep working rather slowly, my stomach and kidneys hurt. The effects of the lax are still being felt. My cable is out, I completely forgot about that, my sloth husband needs to call the technician.
Pet peeve:Procrastination!
So far I'm OK, currently chatting with a friend online, was so sorry to hear that she caved last night. I hope today is better for us both.
Let's see how the day progresses. I will try to stay positive and focused. Remember this is what you want, you can't fail at everything. Somethings gotta give..

Live by this or don't bother breathing..