Wednesday, September 22, 2010

140 Milestone

Yesterday was the day I gave into the voices. I b/p 3x.

There was no guilt, just acceptance.
This morning the alarm has gone off and I am up and out of bed. Exhausted from yesterdays purging, I am extra sleepy. To the scale I go. Not what I expected, 140lbs today. This was a goal I had given myself the entire month of September to reach, yet here I've done it with a week to spare.
I didn't work out yesterday, just didn't have it in me.
I've bought something called dieter's tea..oh boy hello new version of a lax!
I think I'm in takes awhile to work, but it does.
So now I've reached another milestone, looking forward to moving into the 130's now. I will give myself another month to do it and see If I can surprise myself again. I have the Festival at my daughter's school tonight, I'm hoping it won't be a total bust. I want to try and make the most of it, look nice and equally feel that way. I want to do this for her. I'm suppose to be fasting, but instead I will just go through the day and see where it takes me, I don't want to set the bar to high and fail.
For today anyways, this will be my frame of mind.
I managed to get a morning workout in, and during my shower the dizziness started, everything went black on me, it scared me. I hope the dizziness goes away soon, I need to be able to function tonight.
Every time I get up the room spins and my head hurts. I'm going to the library this weekend and will check out some very inspiring books, I need to get into the mindset and get Ana back.

Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
"Why?" is the wrong question.
Ask "Why not?"
-  "Wintergirls"

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