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Monday, September 20, 2010

Undecided

                                                                                        Mood:Tempted
OK so its the afternoon now.
I've finally managed to weigh myself, I've lost a pound. 141 today.
The workers have finished my daughters room and my bathroom door is back. The kitchen cabinets are being painted, after that I believe we're done.
Here's the problem.
I'm fasting, day 2, so far so good right? No.
I'm trying my best not to cave. Its 2 o'clock and I have to get my daughter from school, I'm out in the sunshine, it feels nice out today, it feels like fall weather is upon us soon. The sun is warm but not scorching, a nice change from the freezing cold I'm feeling in my body.
The drive is stress free, no anxiety yet.
Now I remember that there is nothing to cook at home. This last grocery shopping day, I barely bought anything, I didn't want to encourage the binge, so I bought little useless things, small ingredients to whip up a quick meal. Now I'm all out. I have ground beef in the freezer, and a sack of rice.
Rice the one thing I have been craving all day.
I also had some steak in the freezer, all I need is a bread and I can make steak sandwiches. There's no bread in the house of course.
Hmm the store and the bakery. Big triggers for me. How can I avoid this?
I ask my husband to go buy the bread that way I can avoid the bakery, he says no.
Please?
"No. I can't, I have to get ready for work and move the furniture back into the room, plus the cable man might stop by."
Shit.
He doesn't care, he doesn't fucking get it. I have a problem here. I am trying to be good and not cave in. Does he help no. He has become such a trigger its remarkable. I am mad, I want to just snap at him. My hands are tied I have to go to the store, I feel like that movie the green mile, the walk to the store feels like the long walk to the chair or gas chamber.
I can't believe I'm back to this place. Here again, Mia there with me laughing at me. Fool.
The store, what to do. The binge can sometimes happen on its own, whatever is on hand there you go. Sometimes my binges are planned, I'll have a horrible day and say fuck it, fuck you, you deserve this. You deserve to suffer with this.
So I'll go to great lengths to cook a meal and have dessert, I know what I want to binge on and I go for it.
This doesn't feel like that now. This feels different.
I'm in the store with a basket in hand, walking around looking at all the food and all the possibilities and I don't feel it.
I grab some beans, tomato sauce for the meat. I guess I'm making peccadillo tonight. It will cook fast 20 minutes and everything will be done.
Now we need the dreaded bread that started all this mess..I grab one, no better get two.
Walking the aisles, not knowing what to buy? I'm not even hungry.
I want a soda, there are no diet ones, guess I'm not drinking soda. Then all of a sudden the very last Pepsi Zero in sight, hidden behind another soda. I grab it and shake my head in disbelief. The other night I was craving chocolate cake, which is just random and weird. I haven't eaten chocolate cake since 1997. The last time I ate a piece of chocolate cake was when my father was losing his battle to cancer and he was constantly being admitted to the hospital. The hospital cafeteria always had it in stock. After my father died I don't know I just lost the taste for it?
But yes I was craving that, so as I'm at the checkout of this little store, I look over to my right and there was the cake.
Its like everything has fallen into place, all the pieces clicking in my puzzle.
I get it of course.
I feel defeated and angry. As I'm walking home my chest begins to hurt, the panic is setting in. I have all the components for a proper binge. I don't want to. Now as I get home the triggers are greater and the fight in me is leaving. I bought another lax too.
My chest officially hurts, I am mad at everyone. I think I should just give in. I can't do this anymore. I haven't done anything yet because the meat has to defrost and there is a huge mess to put away but its there for the taking. I'm waiting for the trigger known as husband to leave and go to work, maybe with him gone I can think straight. Right now I just want to scream and cry.
Not a good afternoon I'm afraid, no not at all.
I'm undecided at the moment, tempted and unstoppable. What would you do?
Wish this day would just end, but that's not the problem, I am the problem, it keeps getting harder everyday. It will continue this way for as long as I allow it.
I'm undecided..

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