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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Tuesday

It's been raining here all day long.
I drop my daughter off at school and this is what I see. Maybe today will be a good day after all..



This was my thinking earlier.
I'll try my best to blog now, but it's been a long day and a bad one with ED.
I'm tired.
My weight is shit, I feel like shit. It's one of those days where I can't stand the sight of myself.
I thought eating food was supposed to make me feel better, it doesn't. It's pissing me off.
If I eat I'm miserable, if I don't it's the same thing. I'm so sick of being sick.
I'm in the worse mood today. I have been a total bitch to everyone.
My husband and I have been going at it all day, I don't even know what the hell we fight about anymore??
The apartment managed to get painted, but when the other person hates to paint and complains whilst doing it, it doesn't exactly help matters.
Why bother doing it if I have to hear you piss and moan. I could have found someone else to help me, my older brother would have done it, he needs money, I could have gave him something for helping me, but instead ball n chain said he'd do it. His painting skills aren't exactly dandy, I've seen toddlers paint better than him. I had to keep redoing what he did.

He bought breakfast. I decided I would eat it, that was what I thought would happen. The eggs were rubbery and had no salt or pepper. I took one bite and spit it out into the sink. If I wanted to binge I would have eaten it just so I could go purge immediately afterwards to make myself feel better.
I had two shakes today instead.

My husband and I decide to take a break from painting and go shopping at our usual haunts. I was on the lookout for children's furniture since my daughter has none.
I couldn't find a thing.
As I was leaving the store utterly disappointed I saw out the corner of my eye something wooden and pink.
It was a play kitchen set. I knew the minute I saw it my daughter would absolutely love it.
It only set me back 30$



I knew where to get the pretend pots and pans, and of course pretend food. This would keep her entertained while we finish painting.
My daughter is home from school and our break time is through. My husband suggests pizza for dinner..fuck!
I'm very triggered today and wish I could b/p.
I want to really bad.
The only thing that saved me from not doing that was being stuck at the new place all day.
I didn't b/p but I'm sad to report I did chew/spit a slice of pizza.

I don't know if that qualifies as me falling off the wagon?
It technically is behaviors but not the seedy awful one that I've managed to avoid for 36 days now.
My kitchen is the last thing to paint.
I have a meeting in the morning at my daughter's school, then I'm off to the clinic for my knee. I don't know what to wear seeing as how my leg will be the center of attention. I guess a dress?
I hate that my Dr. is a man.
God I don't like to be touched by strangers. I don't want anyone touching this fucking body of mines period.
What an awful day for me, my ED won't shut up and I feel like just giving up.
Sometimes I feel like what's the point of it all?
Why pretend.
It makes me sad when I think of how far I've come and how simple it is to just fail. I feel like a failure today.
I'm in such a bad mood. Why is this so hard?
I really don't want to go to the clinic tomorrow, I don't like Dr.s at all.
They are going to weigh me for sure. Just what I need to make my mood even worse.
The only highlight of my day was my daughter playing like she was a chef and making me dishes like cookies and chicken with a side of broccoli cus she says veggies are good for me.
If it wasn't for this kid I swear..

I feel drained, I have an awful headache that won't go away no matter what I take or do. My husband is driving me nuts with his hot and cold attitude. It's like he's two people. Is it a game, like a mind thing?
Let's fuck with Lou today, I'll pretend to be happy and string her along, then I'll turn around and drop kick her ass just to remind her I'm not letting things end so easily..
Blah, I can't even write today, my thoughts are all incoherent.
I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is not looking so hot. I may fuck up soon if my attitude keeps going down.
I has sad..again.



3 comments:

Peridot (G+P) said...

I saw a documentary somewhere on YouTube that had an interesting point about the biology of starvation. When you starve yourself, your brain is deprived of the building blocks to make many neurochemicals, including (And especially) the one for anxiety. When someone starts to eat again, the brain can once again produce normal levels of this chemical, which makes you feel more anxious than you are used to ON TOP OF all the disordered thoughts telling you that you should feel bad for eating.

Classic bloody Prisoner's Dilemma right there D:

You're allowed to have off-days. It
s part of being human! You're especially allowed to be bitchy to people if they're being a jerkface to you and making you do extra work to make up for their incompetence!

Oh my gods that play-kitchen is ADORABLE! I want to make a little pink appliqué teatowel set for it *Dies of cuteness overload*

I wouldn't say it was falling off the wagon. You recognised that it was a behaviour and still managed to avoid completely caving to Ed's bullshit rantings. (I wouldn't have been able to avoid gorging like a crazed bear) High fives from across the pacific <3

Lol, maybe loose trousers so you can pull them up to show the one knee and nothing more? Wooooo, it sounds like the plot for Hardcore Victorian Porn if you ask me! Forget I said anything >.>

The point is not having to listen to Ed for the rest of your life. Being able to go to your daughter's wedding and your grandkid's birthday parties and have some of the cake and wear a pretty dress and dance without some asshole hijacking your brain and ruining your day with yet more bad memories.

Beating any mental illness is a hard fight until you get healthy coping mechanisms locked in as habits. I've been told it does get a bit easier after that point, and that life is worth the fight.

Wow, I need someone like your daughter to plan my work dinners for me! It would certainly be a lot more interesting than Marmite sandwiches or more baked beans XD

I think the ExDouche is unable to work out how to behave properly. Like he keeps switching between 'Ok with it, we're mates' mode and 'IM A POSSESSIVE DICKHEAD WHOSE MASCULINITY HAS BEEN CHALLENGED BY A STRONG INDEPENDENT FEMALE' mode. I sincerely hope he can grow the fuck up and start acting like an adult soon!

I hope you have a good Wednesday. Remember that you are AWESOME, ok?

<3

Jenn said...

Hay Baby! I hope wed is going better for you :-) that sounds like a really bad day but DANG you got through it!!! I can't even go more than one day without B/P

That kitchen set is SO CUTE and that's a really good price. So when you move out, it's just you and your daughter right? I'm just curious about all that, not to pry..

I think about you a LOT during the day. we should be text pals. <3 xo I'll make another comment with my phone number, don't approve that one k
*muah*

Mich said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I know what you mean about not being happy either way, weather you're giving in the ED or fighting it. :/ Some days are just sucky like that. I think it's good you c/s'ed the pizza rather than b/p'ing. It's a small victory, but still a victory all the same. <3

I bet the little lady loves her new kitchen!! I always wanted one of those when I was little. :)

xoxoxox