Move

This morning it's 50 degrees out.
The cold in Florida is unbearable for me.
The day of my clinic visit, for my labs, I met a man who was a native Canadian. He said he loved winters in Toronto. He conversed with me for a complete hour.
Now he's a native Floridian, has been here a complete decade, he loves Miami as do I of course. I take such pride in my City, there's no place like it.
He also has found a spot in his heart for my city. He goes on to say that in all his time experiencing a "real winter" he never imagined himself uttering the following statement..
"I'm done with Winter. I'm used to Florida winters, if the temp drops 70 or less, I can't take it. It's funny because I grew up in zero temps."
I found that adorable.
It's also reassuring to know that other people feel as I do concerning the weather.
Today is such an example. We're in February and getting such odd temperatures.
I only hope it doesn't last long.

I'm in a foul mood this morning.
Last night my husband and I got into a bad argument. Lines were crossed and things were said, of course abuse was the main ingredient.
He was drunk and so was I.
I didn't eat yesterday.
The wine hit me hard.
After our fight I told my husband to go fuck himself and move out.
He told me to find someone to help me move, he wasn't going to help me do anything anymore.

This morning before I wake my kid up for school, I started my own morning routine.
After I weigh, I can't take it anymore.
I'm officially back at an "OK" maintaining weight. The maximum allowed for myself. I'm back up to 110lbs.
I'm at war with myself today. I feel disgusting and huge. I know it could be worse but I just can't fathom how I got back up to this weight, I know it's not accurate with my bad digestion and all.
Still I feel like I want to self destruct.
Today is day 42.

It's not getting easier.
I REALLY want to b/p.

Here I am at the crossroads..
Do I take my meds or do something else.
I have a bottle of Diet Pills.
It's either or.

I skip my meds. That makes 3 days no meds.
I take the Diet Pill.
It will make me hyper and jittery but I don't care.
I feel FAT and worthless.
I feel like I deserve nothing.

I do the morning routine then drop my kid off at school.
When I get back, my Husband is asleep and I load my beetle with stuff. I plan to move, I don't care if I'm the one to do it all.
I'm determined to show everyone I will make it on my own.

After my first trip to the apt, I head to run errands.
When I return back home my husband is gone.
My older brother happens to call me.
He and I talk before he informs me that he is actually downstairs.
I let him up and tell him about my fight.
"I have my gun in the car." my brother reassures me.
All of my siblings own guns.
That's actually the norm here.
Guns are a part of my life. I don't own one because my Husband won't have it.
I don't know why it's so acceptable, but it is. We were raised to show no fear.
I think sometimes If I hadn't been so manipulated by my Husband I'd be like my other kin and have more of a backbone.

My brother means to use it if necessary. He is trigger happy.
My older brother helps me move today.

My husband returns at some point and falls fast asleep in the bed.
He has no idea my brother is here.
We move everything in silence.

At some point in the day my brother mistakenly packs my uncles urn in a box.
I throw other things in the same box.
My brother flips the box upside down for a better grip and we get bombarded with the sound of rocks sliding against the cardboard.
"Macho!!" my brother and I say in Unison.
We both thought his Urn spilled open.
My brother flipped the box back on its bottom and we looked in horror expecting white ash to saturate the floor, instead pink rocks littered everything.
My daughter's Beta fish bowl was the culprit.
My Uncle was safe.

After an hour of moving my Husband wakes up and gives my older Brother his best fake smile.

I'm so tired,
forgive me, I'm trying to Blog but you know how it goes.
We move almost everything. My brother is tired and has to go back home.

I get all I can done.
Tomorrow I will organize the rest.

My dear readers..
I feel very sad.
Maybe it's the not taking of meds, or weight gain, holiday or all of the above?
I don't know how much longer I can go like this.

I wish I could go away somewhere.
I really wish I could just not care.
You ever heard that saying about someone being damaged?
Someone actually was the reason behind your bitterness or cyniciscm.
I feel like that, like my Husband may scar me, deter me from love and  romanticism.
I feel like I should just keep to myself.
Boo feelings.




Ah whatever, head out the Clouds Lou.
I'm going to head to bed.
Long day tomorrow.
Nite all.