Tuesday, February 14, 2012


This morning it's 50 degrees out.
The cold in Florida is unbearable for me.
The day of my clinic visit, for my labs, I met a man who was a native Canadian. He said he loved winters in Toronto. He conversed with me for a complete hour.
Now he's a native Floridian, has been here a complete decade, he loves Miami as do I of course. I take such pride in my City, there's no place like it.
He also has found a spot in his heart for my city. He goes on to say that in all his time experiencing a "real winter" he never imagined himself uttering the following statement..
"I'm done with Winter. I'm used to Florida winters, if the temp drops 70 or less, I can't take it. It's funny because I grew up in zero temps."
I found that adorable.
It's also reassuring to know that other people feel as I do concerning the weather.
Today is such an example. We're in February and getting such odd temperatures.
I only hope it doesn't last long.

I'm in a foul mood this morning.
Last night my husband and I got into a bad argument. Lines were crossed and things were said, of course abuse was the main ingredient.
He was drunk and so was I.
I didn't eat yesterday.
The wine hit me hard.
After our fight I told my husband to go fuck himself and move out.
He told me to find someone to help me move, he wasn't going to help me do anything anymore.

This morning before I wake my kid up for school, I started my own morning routine.
After I weigh, I can't take it anymore.
I'm officially back at an "OK" maintaining weight. The maximum allowed for myself. I'm back up to 110lbs.
I'm at war with myself today. I feel disgusting and huge. I know it could be worse but I just can't fathom how I got back up to this weight, I know it's not accurate with my bad digestion and all.
Still I feel like I want to self destruct.
Today is day 42.

It's not getting easier.
I REALLY want to b/p.

Here I am at the crossroads..
Do I take my meds or do something else.
I have a bottle of Diet Pills.
It's either or.

I skip my meds. That makes 3 days no meds.
I take the Diet Pill.
It will make me hyper and jittery but I don't care.
I feel FAT and worthless.
I feel like I deserve nothing.

I do the morning routine then drop my kid off at school.
When I get back, my Husband is asleep and I load my beetle with stuff. I plan to move, I don't care if I'm the one to do it all.
I'm determined to show everyone I will make it on my own.

After my first trip to the apt, I head to run errands.
When I return back home my husband is gone.
My older brother happens to call me.
He and I talk before he informs me that he is actually downstairs.
I let him up and tell him about my fight.
"I have my gun in the car." my brother reassures me.
All of my siblings own guns.
That's actually the norm here.
Guns are a part of my life. I don't own one because my Husband won't have it.
I don't know why it's so acceptable, but it is. We were raised to show no fear.
I think sometimes If I hadn't been so manipulated by my Husband I'd be like my other kin and have more of a backbone.

My brother means to use it if necessary. He is trigger happy.
My older brother helps me move today.

My husband returns at some point and falls fast asleep in the bed.
He has no idea my brother is here.
We move everything in silence.

At some point in the day my brother mistakenly packs my uncles urn in a box.
I throw other things in the same box.
My brother flips the box upside down for a better grip and we get bombarded with the sound of rocks sliding against the cardboard.
"Macho!!" my brother and I say in Unison.
We both thought his Urn spilled open.
My brother flipped the box back on its bottom and we looked in horror expecting white ash to saturate the floor, instead pink rocks littered everything.
My daughter's Beta fish bowl was the culprit.
My Uncle was safe.

After an hour of moving my Husband wakes up and gives my older Brother his best fake smile.

I'm so tired,
forgive me, I'm trying to Blog but you know how it goes.
We move almost everything. My brother is tired and has to go back home.

I get all I can done.
Tomorrow I will organize the rest.

My dear readers..
I feel very sad.
Maybe it's the not taking of meds, or weight gain, holiday or all of the above?
I don't know how much longer I can go like this.

I wish I could go away somewhere.
I really wish I could just not care.
You ever heard that saying about someone being damaged?
Someone actually was the reason behind your bitterness or cyniciscm.
I feel like that, like my Husband may scar me, deter me from love and  romanticism.
I feel like I should just keep to myself.
Boo feelings.

Ah whatever, head out the Clouds Lou.
I'm going to head to bed.
Long day tomorrow.
Nite all.


Jenn said...

I woke up this morning with you on my mind. I was thinking HOW PROUD I am of you that you are day by day, NOT purging!! The fact that you are getting through each day without that is an inspiration to me. Add to that: the STRESS you're walking through with your move and everything?? It just boggles my mind. If you can do it, I can.

I hate to see you struggling and feeling sad. I really think it will be better in your new place without your husband. you can look around and be proud in your OWN HOME.

Pretty Please, take your meds. Just do it. Don't think about it. If you need to talk it over in detail with me, I'm happy to do that. you know where to find me


Peridot (G+P) said...

Every time a customer asks me what the Epanadas is our cabinet are, I tell them that they are the mexican answer to the Cornish Pastie and tell them a story about my wonderful friend who lives in Miami and has a guy called the 'Empanada Man', like Mr Whippy (An ice cream truck) come past her office at lunchtimes. I used a little Author's License but the truth of your Wonderfulness and the wonderful tales of Miami you share with us carried my little fudging and made some more Empanada Addicts *Scuffles feet*

OMG I wish I had enough money to fly over and help you move. Moving at least once a year for 6 years had made me a Moving House Ninja.

Ed really fucks your metabolism and digestion, worst case it can be a few years before they sort themselves out. Skipping your meds is not a good idea, though. Gah, why am I telling you this? You already know it! Still, if you don't take them as directed it's like deliberately playing cards with one of the suits missing. Not very helpful to brain stability when everything else is being stressful too. *Hugs*

Your husband sounds like he was an emotionally abusive fuckwit and you're well rid of him. Guns aren't a part of our culture down here, unless you're a farmer and have a .22 for the rabbits&possums. However I do know a few nasty chokeholds and have a rather lethal slingshot. I'd be quite happy to use that useless sack of crap for target practise if he touches you up and your brother doesn't beat me to it.

I'm so glad your uncle was safe! *Sigh of relief* I can't imagine the state I would have been in if that had happened with Grandpa. (Although he DID fall off a shelf during one of the bigger Christchurch shakes after he died. Man that sounds weird!)

*Huggles* Eliminate one things at a time. Take meds again, after a few weeks it will be holiday over and meds stabilised so those two will be eliminated. If you're still sad then it could be the weight then you know it's Ed being a jerkhole.

Your husband has left a wound on your soul. With time and honesty with the self it will heal, then you will have another mark of history and you can move on. I read somewhere once about a tribe whose warriors believed that every scar was an enemy taking part of their spirit, so they tattoed over the scar to claim that bit of their spirit back. With internal wounds it's a bit harder, but our pasts shouldn't dictate who we are and what we do. That's letting the git who hurt as have a more lasting control over our lives. After the healing has been done we should claim our spirits back and move on with our lives, our pasts are still there but they no longer dictate. They are simply a part of the person who we will become and no longer the controlling force.

I went shopping yesterday and found you some pretty coasters and some handy jar-opening-grippy-things that can also be used under microwaves and things to stop them slipping around the bench :) I got some things for Miss B too and I'm also keeping an eye out for books that may help encourage her to exercise her reading muscles, but I have no idea how old she is ^.^; All my friend's kids are in the 3-6 age range, and this poor kidless spinster just can't keep them straight in her head.

Let me know your new postal address when you have time so I can get this stuff too you, ok?

Ok, I'd better go take my own bloody pills so I can sleep some time this week. (Pot calling kettle, no?) Love you so much and I wish there was more I could do to help. Maybe I could draft the Raptor and Zombie Apocalypse plans for your new place, to take at least one thing off your load?

Lots of love to you. Take care of yourself, ok? The world is automatically 20% more awesome just because you're in it.


Mich said...

Tell me about it with the odd weather!! I'm the opposite--I NEED the cold, but it's the same emotion anyway. ;) Weather has has been going up into the 50's, which is too bloody warm for my tastes.

Hope the moving is going ok. It's a giant pain in the arse. And I hope things are going better in general!! you have so much stress going on, you deserve like a bazillion good days. <3

....oh and you must send me your new address so I can continue to send you lovely little things, like a welcome-to-the-new-home gift...