Thursday, February 9, 2012

I love getting poked but this is ridiculous

The morning is cool and there is an overcast, rain sprinkles lightly and form puddles in the misshapen street..

Another long day for me as the alarm clock buzzes.
I stay in the cold bed for five more minutes before dragging myself up.
The scale awaits me in the next room. I could avoid it altogether and not weigh but that won't happen. I guess I like to torture myself.
I undress and weigh.
I feel like crying.
What am I doing?

Day 37 and I feel no better.
Keeping  food down is making me miserable.
I wish I could just accept this and feel good but I don't.
God help me, I don't know how to be okay with food anymore.

After I take my kid to school, I keep driving to the clinic, my appointment is at nine, but maybe they can see me sooner.

I ring the little bell and wait for the receptionist behind the blurry glass partition to answer.
"Good Morning, Labs?" her smile is all too sinister me thinks.
Yeah I'm here to see the I mean nurse.
I sit and wait, but not long.
I'm called in and taken to the room in the back of the clinic.
Why are the labs always done in back rooms or the lowest floor of a building?
Is it to keep the blood fresh or a contamination thing, or just plain seedy like a black market organ operation..

My nurse always manages to compliment me on my arms.
"You have good veins, they stand out against your pale complexion. Makes my job easier." she laughs.
Then she says this.
"Oh and we're going to draw a lot of blood, like a LOT."
I figured as much.
My stomach makes gurgle noises in the silence of the laboratory. I hate when that happens.
"I'm sorry you had to skip breakfast, but can't take your blood if you've eaten. You can have something after we're done, this won't take long." she goes on to say.
I'm not squeamish when it comes to needles. The sight of blood is not shocking to me.
I kinda like needles, I didn't mind her sticking me, I could have sat there all day.
We made small talk about the Dr.
It was his birthday today, the staff was planning to give him a cake but he's not really into sweet cakes.
I suggested a carrot cake, it's not so sweet.
She thought that idea was brilliant and would go to Publix herself and place the order.

After my blood was stolen to be studied, I would get a call back in a few days for my results.
My husband calls me on my way to the car to ask what are we doing today.
Today I want to go and try to find furniture for my daughter's room.
There's a store I've seen ads for that has me curious.
I managed to find four pieces of white furniture for 80$ total.
There are still a few things I need to pickup for her room, but I'm running on limited funds so have to shop around.
On the way out from the store, there was this an older man pushing a baby stroller riddled with books and something else..
My daughter would have flipped.

 He was actually selling them at 50$ a piece.
Too cute.
I can't have a dog otherwise I'd take that stroller books and all off his hands.
I've been moving things little by little, but I haven't been too productive today.
I'm really tired, took a nap earlier.
I feel drained.
My head is filled with conflicting chatter and I feel defeated almost.
I'm feeling the loneliness with each trip to my new apartment, the separation is real. I will have to pull my act together to make this all work. It is what I 've decided and it's the right choice.
My ED is just taking away the concentration I need, it's taking away my focus and drive.
It's replacing it with body dysmorphia and self loathing. Isolating me and making me feel worthless.
I hate this ED so much.

I want to drink real bad.
I have nothing here and it's pouring really hard outside so going anywhere is out of the question.
I just wanted to get wastey pants and work on the novel. The drinking helps for some reason.
I guess I'll just cut my loses and call it a night.
Hope I can sleep with all this confounded talking in my head.
Tomorrow is another long day for me.
Nite everyone,
take care <3


clytie said...

Congrats on doing amazing for over a month! Be careful though, you don't want to end up one of those tradgedy alcholic authors!

Peridot (G+P) said...

Being Ok with food takes practise. A lot of it, I suspect. You're doing fan-fucking-TASTIC ignoring Ed so far. You're more awesome than you give yourself credit for!


I always ditch out on blood tests. The doctor doesn't seem to understand that I don't CARE if my liver is failing, I'd honestly rather it fucked out and saved me the effort of suicide.

You know what? New place=no drunken fuckwit=VISITORS! Your sister will be able to come visit YOU for a change XD Screw the isolation, it's no fun.

I hope you had a good sleep and your weekend goes well.

Take care love <3