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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Jerkoff

                                                                                                                                           Mood:Pissed



So today I'm suppose to see Dr. Jerkoff, the idiot psychologist who prescribes my medication.
I wake up at 7am and go weigh, weight back down to 110.4lbs, it's gone back down but I'm not happy. Of course not, why would I be, I look in the mirror and see everything that's wrong.
My reflection is distorted, I can point to 15 wrong things just starting with my facial features alone. I hate the way I look, this makes me cry already. It's going to be one of those days.
I wake my husband up after a quick morning workout and shower, I grab a cup of coffee.
 I went to bed late again, after True Blood on HBO I webcam with the Boy, it was nice. His hair is a little bit shaggy these days, I suspect its because I made a comment about liking boys with long hair..
He's very sweet and is talking crazy now, he wishes I move up there, he even asked me if I believed in Love at First Sight..
*Heavy Sigh* why do people get so attached to me so quickly? I have no idea if I should start getting scared yet?
My husband pops out of bed and my daughter needs a couple of pokes, I can't be late today or I'll get bumped to the bottom of the list again. My husband dresses quickly and my daughter too. He even leaves out the door with her before I'm even done putting on my shoes, he's rushing me now?
In the car and he's driving crazy, road rage at its finest, I hate when he acts like this, makes me think and feel like a burden. I clutch my seat, the anxiety is in full gear today.
The clinic is full of people of people today, I hunker down with my cup of coffee after I've been to the registration office. I feel nervous and worried. I hate this feeling, doesn't help when there is a crowded room, feels like all eyes are on me. After what seems like the longest wait ever Dr. Jerkoff calls me in.
The usual round of questions are fired at me, even "Do you hear Voices?"
I tell him yes, I try to describe it, I tell him its more than one and they all tell me conflicting things, some good, most bad..he scribbles in my file and doesn't say anything else?
I tell him the positive attributes about the Wellburtin but that it accelerates my anxiety. He says he will not prescribe me anything for my anxiety.
Dr. Jerkoff starts talking now or rather starts saying things he shouldn't to me.
"You have to get out more, the anxiety will go away like that."
I can't believe what this asshole is saying to me, this idiot who doesn't know a thing about my condition or anything about me.
He tells me I have to keep taking the Clonazepam, he even increases the dosage to 1mg.
I explain to him that I don't want the drowseiness, I can't be out of it, I have a six year old with me at all times and have to be able to function..
"Take half then, one half at night, and if you still have anxiety take the other half during the day."
He's not listening.
He said he can do no more for me and to come back in August for a followup.
Its at this point that the lump in my throat occurs, the kind you get when you're trying so desperately to hold back your tears.
He writes me my prescription and cheerfully says goodbye.
He is nothing but a drug pusher, I don't understand then why he just won't give me anxiety medication.
I don't want the Clonazepam, it knocks me out, I hate anything that does that, I have my reasons. I don't want to be under like that unaware of my surroundings, I can't!
I don't feel safe, it reminds me of bad things.
How dare he, I feel like I'm going to cry.
I head to the ladies room and its empty, now is when I cry. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm mad. I'm meek, I can never stand up for myself and say the things I mean when the time is right.
In the bathroom stall I sob and feel like I will never be rid of this affliction, I feel alone in my suffering.

Tag
Mia says Hello..


I'm ready to go home, except now I have to get an appointment card for August when I return.
In the registration office and "Jose" is the guy who hands them out.
I feel so many things at this moment, the voices are so loud, they tell me all kinds of things, bad things, crazy things even. I get images in my head of so many ways to release this anguish, to feel something else.
Jose is not good looking, he's average I suppose, dresses okay, smells of too much expensive cologne. He is tan and has one of those Ceasar haircuts. His nails are shiny, I think he gets manicures.
As he is writing me my next appointment and taking too long as usual he glances at me and gives me a quick once over. He's done this before, smiles too long at me or I catch him staring at my breast or mouth.
I want to feel something else indeed. I get an image in my head, I imagine how simple it would be to be bad. To start at this very moment a different, alternate me.
I imagine closing the door to his empty office and sitting on his desk, asking him point blank Do you wanna fuck me?
I imagine him blushing and laughing maybe, before asking me if I was serious, in which I respond yes and grab his crotch. I imagine him getting hard very quickly in my grasp. I imagine him saying yes and then trying to kiss me, in which I'd turn my face away because I wouldn't kiss him, that's very intimate to me.
Instead I would turn around and start unzipping my pants and pulling them down. I imagine him clumsily and hurrily unzipping his own pants and trying his quickest to seize the moment. Entering me rather quickly and coming just as fast. There would be no pleasure for me I don't think, or maybe there would be, sex with a stranger and the controlled situation could be something that could have an odd effect on me.
I picture him in awe exhausted and trying to get information on me to do this again, in which I would turn him down and say something witty.
The point is to do something else, be something else, change. Change; change this long awful stop that my life is currently in. This neverending loop that I'm stuck in.
I feel so strongly in my heart that I'm being ripped in two now.
There is something that has cracked in me. I feel like I shouldn't care. I feel like I wanna try to get this life going, maybe even shocking it into doing so.
How easy it would be for me to do this, to do anything I wanted or at least try to and see what would happen, how much worse could it really get?
I smile to myself and think I wanna try this, not with Jose though..what's that colorful saying, "No way Jose."
I get my next appointment card and politely leave, I feel like the tears wanna start up again.
Outside and its sunny, I wait seated on a concrete raised flowerbed for my husband to arrive. The tears start up again. There are lots of smokers outside wandering the grounds, they pay me no mind, crying outside is normal here.

I'm staring at the cracked concrete sidewalk, averting my eyes from a man who's staring at me, this particular place isn't the best place to meet men. We're all looney here, even the cute ones.
Out of a little crack from the flowerbed's border emerges a Pill or "Sow" bug. I'm amazed because I haven't seen one in like five or six years if you can believe that.I used to play with these things as a kid, they roll up into a tight little grey ball in defense if you poke them. I take it as a sign that my new distorted thinking is the way to go, that I must shock myself into making the change happen.


My ride is finally here.
My husband and daughter arrive and I tell him my prescription needs to be filled at a nearby CVS.
I get the crying fit under control, anyone with two eyes can see that I'm upset.
In CVS now and it will be 15 minutes before my meds are ready. My husband and daughter play with the blood pressure machine, I go ahead and take mines too.


My daughter starts being a pest, a misbehaved one, this always happens when her dad is around, she knows he will give her anything so she acts out. She wants to run around the store and normally the Idiot would indulge her.
Im in no mood and snap at her. I tell her to behave, in this instant I take my sandal off and wave it at her threatning her to stop misbehaving or I will pop her on her leg, I usually won't resort to this, I mostly punish her by taking things away, it works but at this moment I feel like I have to call a bluff. My voice is stern and a tad bit loud, there is a woman with a rectangular box of foot fungus cream in her hand who is staring at me.
I proceed by repeating my previous satement and add that I don't care who's watching, if they have a problem I'll pop them too with my sandal. The lady turns her nosy face away and pretends to grab something else. My daughter zips her lip and straightens up. My husband even sits up straight in his chair.
"What's wrong with you?" my husband asks quietly, in which I proceed to sum up the predicament which Dr. Jerkoff and what my anxiety feels like, as I'm talking mid sentence pouring my heart out to him, my husband turns his head away and starts talking to my daughter.
The lump in my throat returns, in that very instant I realized that I am truly and utterly alone.
I don't even bother finishing my story, I get up and wander the store to kill the remainder of the time. I head staright o the aisle with all the vitamins and of course diet supplements.
Everything is so overpriced and limited, I've tried the majority of these brands with the exception of that Jillian Michales pill, I forget what its called. I glance at the vitamins and see loads of things I'm out of and new ones I wish I could take but can't afford.
Mia is with me today, I feel and hear her. Its like a soothing rub on your back when you're being comforted, she is speaking very softly to me.
"You're all alone again huh?"
I actually nod my head.
"I know you're sad, you're frustrated, you have so much you put out and never get back in return, who can you call right now at this very moment who is there for you..noone right, am I right?"
Noone, I'm all alone, they all say they care but none is ever around when I hurt the most, when all I secretly want is for someone to hold me and tell me its gonna be okay. There are tears now streaming down my face.
"I'm always here, I can make you feel better. Don't take those pills it's a trap. You know what will happen when you fall asleep like that, bad things will happen, you won't be aware. They'll wait for you to fall asleep and when you're under the trouble starts. You don't need pills, you can manage just fine with us, how about we all take turns, Ana and Me, we're always here for you, we love you. Don't you wanna be beautiful? You can, everyone will love you then, you're too fat still that's why they all stay away..we'll help you."
I wipe my tears away with my sleeve and head to the aisle with food, I don't know what I want yet.
The chips are on Sale for $1.88,
I grab two bags and a jar of peanut butter. I then head to the aisle with the laxatives and grab four lemon flavored liquid Magnesium bottles.
My husband is in the very back of the store with my daughter, my name is suddenly called on the intercom, my meds are ready.
My husband is already there and is surprised to see the food in my hand, I sign for the pills and shove everything on the counter, he says nothing and just slides his debit card when the items are rung up.
My heart is beating very fast now. The anxiety is high and the chatter in my head begins again, this time reasons to not b/p. I don't listen.
At home and there is message on my answering machine, my therapist calling to cancel Tuesday's session, she has a funeral she has to attend. I call her back to give my condolences. I ask what happened out of curiosity, she relelunctantly tells me it was another patient of hers, suicide.
So my session is cancelled, I can't tell her about how sad I am, I can't be saved.
Time to internalize the pain.
So I binge and purge on all kinds of things, whatever I can find in the house. Three times that Monday night.
My eyes close on me after the last purge, I'm really drained. I then lax before heading straight to bed.



Tuesday and I'm so tired, I've been up all night shitting.
Things start to quiet down after 9am and I manage to get an hour's sleep.
No session today, I go weigh and I'm down to 107lbs..
This won't last of course, its not real. I feel dizzy and need to go lay down.
I've spent the remainder of the day cooking, my husband is off today. We watch movies and I continue to b/p 3x today. I workout and even manage to get some reading in.
I feel numb.
My weight is back up to 108, I'm retaining water, my body is holding onto the salt too. I'm really dehydrated, I've been over seasoning my food all day.
The pills sit in my medicine cabinet. Four bottles of Clonazepam now.
I should gobble them all up since they want me to take them so bad.
I feel really depressed today. My Happy Tuesday friend IM me, I didn't hear from him at all yesterday. He is never around when I need him. He is the shittiest friend ever.
He wants to know what happened so I tell him, even about the b/p party I threw myself.
He begins to lecture me. He begins to say the ususal song and dance that I'm used to. He thinks I can get better, that I chose to be like this.
He doesn't know me. I get defensive and tell him he doesn't know shit. I try to push him away and tell him that I think I just need to be alone right now, that I don't think I should get close to anyone because I'm not worth it, and what's the point really, I'm all alone.
I close the arguement by telling him to not get too attached to me.
He says that he doesn't mean to be cold and that I'm right, he doesn't understand what I'm going through, he just wants me to fight this. He also says that its too late, he cares too much about me and anything that happens to me now affects him.
I sigh heavily and tell him that I don't really want to fight with him, which is the truth and that I care about him too, I just don't want him to worry.
I start to end our talk and tell him I have to go. The truth is he wants me to be better and thinks that I'm this strong intelligent person, I feel like I let him down. His hope in me breaks my heart.
I'm none of those things, I'm just a sick fool.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel depressed and hopeless. Tomorrow I will read Dante's Inferno, fitting per my mood I'd say. I don't know what the day will hold, who knows what will happen.

5 comments:

Jenn said...

Very touching today my friend. I feel your pain through your well crafted words. MUCH love to you.

Almost.Skinny said...

I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going well. You can get through this, you're more than you think you are. I can see it even through your words. Don't let stupid doctors and husbands ruin all your hard work, tomorrow is a new day, you can beat this- don't give up!!! All the my best wishes and positivity xxx
p.s I think those bigs are so cute...in australia they're called slaters and in england they're called woodlice.

Peridot (G+P) said...

*MASSIVE INTERNET HUGS*

If I lived closer I'd drag you out of the house and we could feel alone together.

Too late, I'm attached to you. Bite me.

The ball'n'chain is a twat and the doctor a drug-pushing WANKER who is as useful as a single water wing in a hurricane. Tosser.

Mia and Ana and all the evil voices in your head are lying little sods. You ARE fucking awesome. Fuckers need to shut up before I shrink myself down Magic School Bus styles and kick their asses.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

Don't give up. Fuck the universe if it tries to stop you. You are wonderful and stronger than you know. You can beat this shit and get better IN SPITE of the crappy doctor. Kia kaha, hine!

All my love to you. Sending you good vibes for the rest of the week and the next. Look after yourself, ok?

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

Mich said...

What a douchey doctor. I swear I don't get how some people pass medical school.

Never give up. It's a long and difficult road, but you're strong enough to beat Ana, Mia, and all the other voices.

You should beat hubbie with your sandal next time. Clock him round the head for me.

<3 u!!

xoxoxo

Dani said...

wow hun im sorry the doc just pushed u aside like that but trust me im sue to it
dont giveu p and dont pity urself ujust have to keep fighting one day at a time push urself harder in whatever direction u decide