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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Pass me the MonkeyWrench!

                                                                                                                                          Mood:Down

My friend and I have gotten into rifts before, but yesterday was different.
He actually upset me, I won't get into specifics, but I even felt jealous?
Grr..
I'm New to this, it's been awhile since I've actually had to think before speaking. I think I may be ruining this whatever the heck we are on purpose?
I've been really triggered these days and I'm getting anxious, I have to do groceries on Saturday, I've been fantasizing about possible crap to binge on.
I'm at 111.2 today, hmm weight's going down?
I'm at day 16 no b/p either. Feels like a tight squeeze now.
My insomnia is back too, sleep is out of reach.
I feel like a Monster, I've been snappy and moody all week.
I think I'm sabotaging this whatever we are,
I think maybe it's in part because he wants me to be healthy and get over this ED, he's very encouraging with that, but sometimes it feels like pressure, what if I can't get better?
What will that mean, how long can someone really root for you to get better.
Having an Eating Disorder is hard, and its exhausting always trying to cheer someone up and remind them to keep fighting. If I can't get better, recover, does that say something about my character?
I also have trust issues, I keep thinking that I will get hurt, that this is gonna blow up in my face so why bother?
Does that make me unlovable or unreliable?
Does that make me a failure.
Sometimes I feel like I have too many problems, that I'm just too much for anyone to deal with at all. Why can't I accept that I'm worthy of happiness?
I miss my laptop, have no powercord yet, I hope I can Vlog tomorrow.

I've been listening to Erykah Badu all day..I'll share this song which is the Epitome of me right now..


2 comments:

Mich said...

It sounds like you're overwhelmed, but you're definitely not unlovable, or a failure!! There's so much going on for you right now, I'd be irritable and on edge too.
Maybe talk to him about your recovery? Say you're starting to feel a little pressured--he might not even realize he's making you feel pressured. The fact that he's trying to encourage you to recover makes me think he really cares about you. But boys can be a little dim when it comes to our emotions.

16 days purge free is amazing!! You're so strong, I know you can beat it. xoxoxoxo

Peridot (G+P) said...

I really want to make the purple and green chicks hats now 0.0

Unlovable failure? THAT IS BULLSHIT!! You're an awesome person fighting a really fucking hard battle AND BLOODY WELL WINNING IT! 16 motherfucking days, you are practically SPARTAN in your strength there!

Cut that sabotaging crap as soon as you notice you're doing it. If he is worthy of you he'll stick around and help you heal. Otherwise, well, he's still a mate, but not good as a romantic partner. (Same as The Boy. Great mate, shitty partner) Also let him know if you feel like it's pressure and not support, ok? (Just try not to UNLEASH TEH WRATHZ on targets that haven't earned it! D:)

Have you been to Something Fishy and checked out their recovery support? It'll help you know what to expect. You're doing fucking AWESOME so far! Don't let Mia's fishy flaps back around your face, tell that filthy whore she ain't welcome in your house! *Huggles*

I tried to get butterfly photos for you, but I forgot that there'd be condensation on the sodding camera lens >:( I've got a few nice shots that were ruined by that! I don't think I got any of the Blue Morpho or the Atlas moth, though. They were my favourites :3 Picked you and the spawn up something fun to do together, though! XD

Keep fighting, you're worth it! You deserve to be sickeningly happy in your own awesome Floridian house with a gorgeous, adoring man who treats you like a queen and a job that gives nonstop job satisfaction.

Arohanui <3