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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Big Fish in a little Disordered Pond..

                                                                                                                                   Mood:Sad


I'm deleting people from my life today.
I can't do this anymore.
Last night after 18days of sobriety, I caved and b/p.
Triggering scenarios all around, so many friends who don't want to change, keep on and on with behaviors, I can't.
It's a choice between them or me and I choose Me. I can't have these petty backstabbing competitions, fake friends or constant exhausting conversations.
I feel incredibly selfish right now and like the World's Biggest Most Horrible Friend, but I don't wanna die. I don't want to end up in a Hospital.
I want to get better.
I want to be a Mom to my Daughter, I want to maintain my weight, take my Meds, find a job, move into a bigger house, socialize, Eat like a normal person again..
I can't do these things with the friends I had, the people who constantly are unwilling to change or secretly try to trip me up. I won't have it for one more second.
I'm sorry, so very sorry...
I think its time to really change, it won't happen overnight, but I'm gonna try to make break for it.
I think I've held on to unhealthy friendships for so long because deep down inside, there was an still is a part of me that wonders about Failure, if I failed who would be there for me. That's not a valid reason to be friends, its not fair to any of us. I wish all the deleted a good life, I hope you can find the thing that makes you happy. I will try to find mines.
I'm not perfect and the road ahead will be long and winding, but I know if I try my hardest I can make this life of mines work again.
I have to start all over today and get Mia off my back..damage control now, I've backed up my digestion with all that binging. I have to rehydrate and replenish all the lost electrolytes.
So once again, I'm so very sorry. I just can't go back that place, I'm a big Fish in that little pond, and I need to go upstream now.
Maybe one day when you've chosen to get better we can be friends again, in the meantime I bid you adieu!


4 comments:

Almost.Skinny said...

I love you, do can do this, you can get better and reclaim the life you deserve! If you ever need anything I'm here- if you need healthy recipes I can always help! All the very best xxx

Mich said...

You are most certainly not selfish for wanting to distance yourself from friends like that. Personally, I believe that you can't be a good friend to anyone unless you take care of yourself first. And it takes a very strong person to walk away from unhealthy friendships, especially if you've known the person for a long time.

You can make it upstream. You just have to keep swimming. <3

xoxoxoxoxox

Peridot (G+P) said...

I love you.

You deserve life and health and happiness.

Gonna miss you.

Sorry I don't have the will to fight any more :(

xoxoxoxoxo

Dani said...

loveu and im so proud of u hun
u make u happy and no1 else