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Thursday, June 9, 2011

Guinea Pig day 2

                                                                                                                                      Mood:Sad

I've been up since 5am.
I've taken supplements today and even workout before finally taking the Wellbutrin at 6am.
Today there is no hyperness, just numb.
I've had 2 cups of coffee so far today.
I feel fat today, bloated.
My phone rings and it's my Dr.
He asks if I can come in tomorrow to his office, my lab results are back and he's not too happy I guess, wants to discuss something with me.
The Vampire wants more blood, and pee too.
I have no idea what could be wrong.
Its the last Day of school and on the way to pick up my daughter I notice the kitten is missing. He's gone, where to and when I have no idea.
I've picked my daughter up from school and I'm looking for the Camp Director to pay the fee for my daughter's enrollment.
He tells me he's sorry there is no more room at camp, they are no longer taking any more kids.
My husband waited too long as usual, always everything at the last minute.
I'm sad today. I'm anxious.
I've broken the news to my daughter about the kitten, she is devastated.
She turns to me tears streaming down her face and says with such certainty,
"Mommy I don't want Dinner today.."
Such a small little statement, to any other Mother would mean nothing, but to someone suffering with an Eating Disorder, it scares me like nothing else.
I gave her a cup of milk and she quietly sets it aside on her desk.
I'm having coffee number 3 and a banana, blech the fruit tastes like nothing.
I have to workout later.
God I feel so dam fat today!
Hate this feeling, makes me so triggered.
I can't even bp on this stupid pill.
I hate dealing.
Wish I could do something to take this edge off, all I've done is cry a little, not too much, my husband is still here and he always wants an explanation as to why the tears..
Sometimes you just have to cry, there is no reason.
Today sucks.
I hope tomorrow will be better, I want to feel better. I hope this pill is the one for me, I can't go through this every month, it will make me get discouraged and give up all together.
It's so hard trying to be good.
All I can think about today is losing weight, all I wanna do is get real skinny again. I don't wanna gain, and when I feel like this, all I want to do is keep losing weight. It seems like that's the constant in my life, the one thing that I'm allowed, nothing else seems to go right, the littlest molehills feel like mountains.
So this is Day two on this pill, sad and anxious, triggered and craving.


7 comments:

Lacey said...

Oh, Lou, I'm sorry. What a horrible day! "Dealing" is the right response, though. Doing self destructive things won't make any of the other stuff any better. Set a good example for your daughter!

Dani said...

im osrry that he wants to run more tests i know how that feels ive had alot of test fo rmy stomach and it all came back clear so now i need a specialist try and have a better day tomm sorry ur so down

neverfit said...

Poor kitten! Call local humane societies in case someone finds him and drops him off, and post bulletins around. I'm sure you can find him!

Almost.Skinny said...

Oh dear... it was looking so good yesterday! Perhaps tomorrow it will bounce back to that?
All the best with the blood test results- I hope its nothing serious... probably just a deficiency in something?
Don't give up hun, I know its hard but you can get through it and be stronger because of it. If there's ever anything I can do all you have to do is ask. Hang in there xxx

Peridot (G+P) said...

Suck. Balls.

*Hugs* You can beat this shit, you're bigger than any fucking side-effects! You're also worth far more than ball'n'Chain seems to think. Douchebag doesn't deserve you!

I hope the kitten comes home. Maybe he got out and someone decided to adopt him?

If I had the spare cash I'd send you and Miss B a box of random crafty things to do over the summer. Lol, I was soooo close to getting you two a Manu the Moa book&plushie set, but I'd just spent my pennies on the bloody butterfly ticket! D:

Kia kaha, mate. You can get through this. Awesome stuff is coming, you just have to wait this shit out.

xoxoxo

P.S. Capch is 'spesal' 0.0

Moonlight Mistress said...

That is one of my fav Frida Kahlo paintings!

I hope you find the kitten and I hope things start looking up. I hate to see you so down.

BTW, I'm glad your brother is alright. Sometimes I can't catch all your vlogs because I'm at work. :(

~MLM

jadedchalice said...

Did you ever find the kitten? Was it indoor or outdoor cat? If it was indoors only, please keep looking around the house cuz little kitties get stuck places sometimes. If it got outside im very sorry but most likely someone will find and adopt him. I would suggest putting up any pics you have of the kitten if you do have them. Maybe someone will call you about it I hope you feel better soon.

D