Wednesday, June 15, 2011



At my Shrinks office and I feel lightheaded. I've only had the coffee this morning and my supps.
112.2lbs and I really wish it was less.
I have that voice pushing me for more loss. It tells me its time to get this off, no more gain, you're too FAT and it shows..
I want to listen, i want it all off, the healthy and good thoughts are muted, there is only white noise now.
The Wellbutrin sits in my purse, I've decided maybe I should start taking it again. I think I should give it another shot, the only thing that gets me is the anxiety but maybe soon I'll get prescribed something else to counteract this feeling.
I'm anxious already..
My sister has phoned me this morning, she wants me to go see her next week.. A whole week to get away and do something else.
Summer Camp is a bust, would be nice to disconnect up there.
My husband won't be too happy about me leaving..
I'm excited at the thought of getting away. I even have a friend up there who actually wants to take me on a date if I do manage to make the trip. He's very nice and really shy, we should make an interesting pair.
It would be nice to actually do that, go out and see how the other half lives, the non disordered bunch. To smile and laugh and not worry about food or calories, gain, voices, weight.
My happy Tuesday buddy has been a bit distant lately, that's not a good thing in my book, out of sight out of mind with me will happen. He's not meeting me halfway, I feel like 90/10 is not working with him. I'm losing a little interest to be honest, my short attention span is roaming elsewhere.
I've decided already anyways that he's not relationship material, I've even gone as far as to make him raise his right hand and swear that he will not under any circumstances fall in love with me..
He agreed laughing all the while, he thinks its a joke, I'm dead serious.
I've been in a relationship for 10+ years already, I think this time I just want to enjoy other people's company and not jump into anything serious. I want to enjoy being single, be on my own and answer to no one.
I like being alone period, I can think  and function better without the leash.
I wonder if there will be any waterworks this session, my therapist seemed pleased that I finally showed some emotion, her own eyes even glossed over at my sobbing..Empathy is nice.
Sometimes I feel like therapy is pointless and I wonder just how long is this charade of mines can go on. When will the breakthrough or whatever is meant to happen arrive, do I get a SANE stamp on the back of my hand?
My husband has dropped me off this morning with my daughter in tow bouncing in the backseat, excited to see mommy off.
My husband looks extra pissy today.
"How long will you be?"
I think an hour and half, I need to head to the clinic and inquire about my test results.
I'm dying to know what is wrong with me, what the heck is high?
My husband wants me to find a job already so he can move out,
I've been applying anywhere and everywhere, even lowering and in some cases throwing my standards out the window altogether.
If I were fit and had a nice flat stomach, I would head straight to the clubs..stripper. I wouldn't think twice about it. I know there are some things that accompany that lifestyle, but no job is ever easy.
My legs and hands keep falling asleep, so annoying. I don't get how someone who exercises constantly can have such shit circulation?
Ugh I hear my nemesis Empanada Man downstairs.  The man is relentless in his world domination of clogging arteries and expanding waistlines..

My Judas stomach growls in protest. I would love to never eat again..
How can they eat that greasy food and not panic?
I'm scared to eat anything today, I'm worried may lead to a binge, so far I've been doing okay, hanging in there and resisting Mia.
I wish I could cheat, I shouldn't, could be bad, more gain..
My therapist arrives bubbly as ever and I can't help but crack a smile.
Our session is good and I'm even given Homework, she thinks I should continue with the medication, she even accompanies me to reception and moves my Dr.s appointment to the 28th of this month so I can get anxiety meds sooner.
She tells me "Be More Assertive!"
I love this woman, I can't help but feel hopeful and positive after our sessions..
At the clinic now for my lab results, I love how nurse wratchet remembers my name, I've plum forgot hers..

So she checks and my results actually arrived 15 minutes before my arrival, she tears open the envelope and makes odd faces, I shift uncomfortably in my chair..
She says the Dr. will call me tomorrow for further instructions.
Great more waiting.
Stay tuned for more adventures in patience..


Almost.Skinny said...

NooOOooo! It can't end there. Are you ok??? Stupid medical system. Great work avoiding temptation, you're inspiring :) all the best for tomorrow xxx

Lacey said...

Be good, feel good, set a pit trap for the empanada man. As far as the wellbutrin goes, you've got to give it longer. It can take weeks to build up a stable level of serotonin.

Peridot (G+P) said...

Greasy Crap McMan must be like the Miami version of the Mr Whippy ice-cream truck. HORROR!!!


*Flies on to read next post*

Dani said...

def let us know what the results say
im gald taht ur therpaist is helpful though