BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND TWITTER BACKGROUNDS »

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Grow

                                                                                                                                      Mood:Selfish

Tuesday..
Kill the alarm clock and yawn. Time to weigh and see the damage.


110.6lbs today..
Yesterday was a nice relaxing day. I actually slept late and managed to lounge around and do nothing. My husband brought movies for us to watch and since I cooked all weekend long he decided to spoil me and my daughter with takeout.
Cici's Pizza it was.


I decided to go ahead and allow myself a slice of pizza..
One slice; 152 calories indeed, seems like a lot for one item, but I was hungry and actually wanted to eat this.
You know what I can't stand..
I can't stand when anyone says they hate food.
Bullshit.
You love food, especially ED ppl.
That's just nature, you can hate getting fat, no one likes that, but food, ah you love it!
If you say otherwise you're a fucking liar. You really hate the way food makes you behave is all, some of us can lose control and binge on it, others restrict it to the point of utter survival. I think that's the dislike of food, the way each of us responds to it, we hate ourselves, not the food.
Food is food, processed or dead animal byproduct, vegetable or organic, its meant to be consumed by us in order to survive. Some of us become monsters, a frenzy ensues, others deny to the point of delirium and confusion. That's just the reality of an Eating Disorder.
So yesterday I fucking ate one slice of pizza. I drank coffee in the day and worked out in the evening.
Here I was tossing and turning all night hoping that I wouldn't gain 5lbs overnight, and this morning there is no gain. I'm okay.
You hear that! I ate food and lived!
I'm tired of living this way, most days the voice inside my head is too much to bear, I wanna lie on the floor in a ball and cry out, I feel hopeless, when will enough be enough?
Then there are days when I truly let my guard down and eat, allow myself a very small portion of what I truly crave, I may have to workout for hours throughout the day, but the item is worth it.
I'm 110.6lbs and I hate it. I hate myself more for feeling this way, this disgusted. I was once 212lbs, I should be kissing the scale and down on my knees in gratitude, instead I'm acting like a spoiled little brat bitching about ounces and numbers that are lower then most.
I want to stop being so dam ungrateful. Things could be so much worse. I could be 10lbs heavier and my pants could be a larger size..
I will stop this behavior.
17 days no Mia in sight..I am happy.
How I hate Bulimia, how I detest the ritual and the way I become with it. I become this shell of a woman, a robot, a weak person who does nothing more than b/p till she can't anymore. I don't care how many times I fail, I will never stop trying to be rid of this entirely.
I have been good lately and in good spirits too. I've been purging people now instead of food. I'm tired of the competition, I'm tired of other people's problems sometimes, you can only be so supportive to a point. How much longer can you tell the same persons everyday to stay strong and they don't want to?
It's exhausting and I don't wanna do it anymore.
I'm no one's nursemaid, I'm no one's therapist or counselor, get right or get left behind.
I can see the goals ahead, the things I want to do with my life that have nothing whatsoever to do with weight loss, I want that, that should come first..
After weighing and supplements I make coffee and shower. I see my therapist today.

She is running late by half an hour and I know the reason why..I wait in the upstairs lobby and scribble in my notepad. I am suppose to be in Orlando, she thinks I've cancelled on her.




After calling her twice and getting the voicemail, I figure its time to go. As I make my way out of my seat, she appears smiling as usual. She shakes her head at me and I laugh knowing what she is about to say.
Our lines got crossed.
I'm shown inside her office where our session begins..


She laughs hard today and at the end of our session which ran an hour more than usual, she says she really enjoys talking to me. She likes my stories and sense of humor. She says I'm making great progress and is proud of me for actually trying to make my life work again. I feel good too, because I am trying, hard as it is, scary as failure may be, I want to be happy and I know I am the key to it all. I have to make this work, no one can do it for me.
This is my Shrinks favorite Motto "Its in the past.." which delightfully enough is from the Lion King..She reminds me of this at the end of every session, it will get drilled into my head soon enough.





So now I'm done with therapy and head home stopping by my local market first..New Tags in the neighborhood too..


Ladies and Gentlemen I find myself in a triangle..
My Tarot's reading may be coming to pass I think.
I'm being pulled in three different directions by three men.
In one Corner my husband who keeps pushing for this sham of a marriage to endure a bit more. Then there is Happy Tuesday friend who now is back in the picture talking to me again, and now my new friend or "boy" in Orlando who is the sweetest (youngest) of them all.
He actually wants to take me to Disney World on our first Date..
He tells me constantly how beautiful I am, and funny, he says things like I think about you constantly..
We chat everyday now.
My sister who's his coworker actually refers to him as Brother In Law,  she says he smiles wide and turns red with delight at this.
She approves of him and wishes that I would just move to Orlando finally. I have a guaranteed job there actually, the houses are cheap to rent too.
He's crazy about that idea.
I  find myself very loved these days and I won't lie and say that I don't like the attention. Deep down inside though, I have no real interest in having a future with any of these three, for some reason I feel in my heart these are not the ones for me. The man that I have yet to meet is still out  there somewhere.
In the meantime I will try to just enjoy the present and work on what lies ahead.
Work on me and try to block out all the negativity.  Its in the stars even.
♥Horoscope Says:
Feed your spirit by making new friends who have a similar upbeat attitude. When it comes to your social life, surround yourself with fellow optimists who can keep up with your ambitions and dreams.

Oh Btw the boy is an Aries..hmm Interesting match.

Aries-Pisces Compatibility

An Aries will get attracted towards a Pisces as she is good at providing emotional support to her partner and are also have caring personality. But there could be problems because of the aggressive nature of an Aries which a Pisces might not be able to handle. An Aries will also like the reflective nature that a Pisces has and similarly the nature of an Aries where he strives to reach his goals in life will inspire her to move ahead in life with a positive attitude.
Aries man will like to get close to a Pisces woman as they are able to provide emotional support & care to their partner while a Pisces woman will like mental strength that an Aries has. The character of an Aries man makes him outgoing and he will like the independent & free spirited nature of a Pisces
The other features of a Pisces woman that will make the Aries feel attracted towards her will be her soft and tender personality. If they are really interested in developing compatibility and a good relationship then Aries man has to control his anger & aggressiveness and a Pisces woman will have to do something about her indecisive nature. Apart from these they generally complement each other well which helps to build mutual understanding and strengthens the bonds between them.
An Aries man will easily inspire his Pisces partner to make the effort to get her goals in life and will like the reflective nature she has. For a partnership to grow they will have to avoid lengthy arguments on minor issues and also control their tempers.
Aries man is a go getter and Pisces woman have lay back nature. Such contrasting natures help to attract each other as they find qualities in the other person which are lacking in them. One point of concern that can affect the relationship could be the emotional whims that a Pisces woman has and to keep the relationship going she will have to work consciously to correct it.

5 comments:

Almost.Skinny said...

Good on you for eating! & enjoying it! & not gaining! win-win-win :)
I love your attitude today, you can do it- keep going!
Even if boy's not 'the one' it still sounds like a nice situation to be in after leaving the husband? All the best xxx

sarahlynn said...

This made me feel better. I don't know why - it just did. Maybe you said what I was thinking.

Sounds like it was a pretty good day, all considered?

Dani said...

im so gald that ur dong well hun adn hat u have some1 to talk to
and im one o fthose who really doesnt like food it might b cause my stoamch cant handle nething nemore and it makes me sick if soemthine makes usick u tend to hate it

Mich said...

You're doing so well!! And YES, you should damn well be able to have a slice of pizza and not die. :)

I know exactly what you mean about being fed up with other people's problems. I've had to purge some people from my life, most recently someone who used to be one of my best friends; but like you said at some point you just can't take it anymore. We have enough problems of our own without adding everyone else's!!

Hot mama, juggling 3 men! :D A Disneyworld date sounds like the cutest thing ever.

xoxo

Moonlight Mistress said...

"I'm tired of living this way, most days the voice inside my head is too much to bear, I wanna lie on the floor in a ball and cry out, I feel hopeless, when will enough be enough?"

I relate to that so much right now!

Thanks for the advice on home solutions for depression! I will try them for sure.

I think you sould consider moving to Orlando. If you have a job lined up and the housing is cheap, why not? You will also have a support system, with your sister.


~MLM