Monday, June 6, 2011

I'm fucked.

So late last night on day 19 of being bulimia free, the pressure from everything got to me and  I caved.
I b/p alot..
Suddenly something different happened to me, a painful new scenario.
My ears popped, my jaw locked, everything started to spin around me, I was dizzy and swaying to catch myself before I hit my head on the edge of the sink.
My husband was home and enjoying some ribs I baked for dinner, he was distracted with the basketball game.
My daughter was asleep in bed, the only witness to this were the cats of course.
I manage to make a commotion trying to stand up on my wobbly legs and my husband finally noticed something was wrong, he opens the bathroom door quietly and peers his head in a very slow manner, scared and unsure of what to find.
I'm carried to the couch and I'm panicking.
My head is pounding, my jaw hurts, my ears are stuffed to the point where everything sounds distant.
I have a guess as to what has just happened to me.
I think its TMJ.
I have all the symptoms and for the remainder of the night, I suffer unable to sleep and unsure of what to do.
I go to the hospital today and in the morning my face is swollen. I can hardly speak, I slur inaudible words.
I'm so sleepy, my eyes close as I stand.
Coffee is made, a LOT of coffee.
In the waiting room,  and I'm finally seen.
This next part gets tricky..
I'm weighed, and here goes the miracle of water logging, 116lbs is marked on my chart as my weight, my height is measured too.
I get gold stars! perfect weight.
I'm asked questions, the usual history and meds, blah blah..
I'm examined.
My blood pressure is low, real low..
The Doctor notices the weight loss, everyone does, my drivers license is passed around, I've suddenly become a conversation piece in the examination room as nurses gawk at me.
"The incredibly Shrinking Woman.."
The doctor begins to examine me and he says I'm not retaining any water as he pokes and grabs at me.
I will now say something to you all, something personal. I'm going to share this because I know I'm really screwed up, today proves that.
A man, someone in my past, took advantage of me and did things to me against my will and without my permission, he abused me.
I don't like to be touched anymore, I don't trust any man, to me they are all secret savages.
My friend who I miss so much on Happy Tuesdays knows about this and is very patient with me. I'm trying to work through this trauma in therapy as it is fairy recent before I became homeless.
In any case, this male doctors probing really did a number on me. I did not for one second like his hands on me. I didn't like the lingering hand on the small of my back, ushering me this way and that, I can't stand it.
I know he is just doing his job, but for some reason, I felt so defensive.
Blood was taken today, Xrays too.
My jaw is not dislocated, and looks like just a sprain.
I've been shown exercises to relax the jaw and prescribed muscle relaxers.  I go back tomorrow to the hospital.
At home and my cable, phone and Internet are disconnected?
My husband didn't pay the bill.
In my slurred speech, I pull out a paper and sit at the desk, I want an account on record of where all the money goes.
We argue, the fight and everything gets turned around, and he tells me that I'm the reason why we're broke.
I'm tired and his cell phone rings.
My daughter's kindergarten teacher calls, apparently there is nothing but half days all this week, and my daughter is an hour in waiting for no show parents?
How could this have happened, no one told me about this.
My husband finds the exit to the quarrel and leaves.
I'm anxious, depressed, triggered and in pain.
Finally he returns and sorts the cable mess out.
I'm going to gobble up some pills and sleep. Hopefully I won't wake up. I secretly wish I don't.
Dinner is reheated, house is clean, the little wife is home with no one to talk to, no where to go except escape in her dreams.
Today is not good. I wish there was no tomorrow.
I'm a failure and a mess.
I don't know what else to say.


Jenn said...

Here for ya babe. Tomorrow it will all look better. I'm so sorry about all that. Wish I could just go pick you up and take you and your daughter to a lovely (not too hot) Northwest destination for vacation :-)


Dani said...

o hunny wow im sorry that u had to go thu that im so sorry it must of been really scary to now know what is going on
and u shoudl of told the doc or soem1 should of told him if he knew he would of got some1 else or took other precautions doctors will do nething to make u comfrotable
just take care of urself and i hope ur ok

Almost.Skinny said...

Oh dear, you poor thing! I'm sorry to hear you're in such a pickle. I hope you feel better with the pills. I totally get the doctor/man thing. You're not alone in that, good on you for not freaking at the time.
Hang in there, it will get better- I promise xxx

adrian said...

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now, really really really. take care of yourself, for you, your husband, for your daughter. I know it seems insurmountable at the moment, but you've fought a lot of things before and I've seen your strength. So take a muscle relaxer and let yourself rest because you need it, but you will make it through! I'm pulling for you at least.

Mich said...

I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time, but I hope you wake up. <3 You are not a failure!! Never a failure. None of us can be perfect. We all make mistakes; most of the time they're stupid mistakes, but we're only human.

I definitely relate to your experience with the doctor. I hate being touched. Hugging freaks me out--I can't even hug most of my family members.

All we can do is keep soldiering on, keep trying to make each day better than yesterday.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here!! It always helps to vent.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Fucking HELL. He should NOT turn it around on you when it is HIS lazy ass that didn't go in to pay the bills!

When my ex let our phone get cut off twice I have up and started paying them, but at that place I had control of the bills&rent account coz he was too lazy to sort it out.

I hope you're ok, love. Lots of hugs and love to you <3