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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you!

Well my car has a new problem, some kind of sensor malfunction, the mechanic can take care of it of course for a price.
I want it fixed so I've decided to call my sister and tell her I can't go up there this month, I was gonna head up there next month after the first, which is good because my rent will be paid and maybe my period will be gone, I have a sneaky feeling its coming soon. I can't go up there on my period for obvious reasons.
My husband and I were discussing my move up there, he actually wanted to speak to my sister and ask about the job and what the rents are like, just to calculate how much I need to move.
I call my sister at work to let her know that I can't go up there and she goes nuts!
She goes off the deep end and misunderstands everything I was trying to tell her. She started saying things like "Fine choose him, you'll never change!"
Omg W T F?
My husbands decides to make a bonehead move and call her back, she blows up on him too and says she's had enough of me and my drama, She was calling the Child Protective Services on me and the Police and Housing and whoever else she could call to tell them that I was an unfit mother and that I'm suicidal.
I call her back in tears and she continues putting me down, she said I wasn't shit, I was a bad mother, that I am a bad person, an Idiot, that she's had enough of me and gives up on me.
She said she called the CPS (child protective....) so they can take my daughter away from me.
I don't understand how this got this way, she also said I was a slut, no a FAT slut and that she will tell The Boy what a freak I am. Then she said she was never gonna speak to me again and hope I just kill myself already. She also called my two older brothers and told them to go check on me cus I was gonna off myself?
Well my lovelies I've always protected my Idiot sister but no more.
The minute she started on about my kid, the lioness came out.
I stopped her in her tracks, I told her if she even dared called CPS on me I would call DEA on her and tell them she is growing pot in her bathroom!
My sister gasps and stays quiet, she didn't think I knew about that little secret huh...
Also ever since I've told my sister about my ED, she's taken it upon herself to do the same thing I do, denying it at every corner until the day of the beach weekend where she finally said I don't care, I throw up what I eat, I can't get fat, if you do it I can too.
She purges and takes laxatives everyday.
She'd always call me gross and a freak for my ED all the while doing the same thing herself and denying it, using excuses like "I ate too much" or "I can't keep it down, it made my stomach upset."
Her weight started at 180lbs and now she's down to 148 with all this purging and laxin.
She doesn't exercise or take vitamins, she thinks she knows it all even though I tell her how awful and dangerous this all is to me and my health. She doesn't listen.
I never expected her to be so cruel to me today, to say such horrid things, I guess deep down inside she always felt that way about me.
I've called my brothers and assured them no one here is killing themselves, and I've spoken to The Boy and told him that she and I have a fight, and sometimes she'll exaggerate things, that she out of spite may tell him things about me. That they are all untrue of course but its up to him if he wants to believe her or not, and that I would understand if he never wanted to speak to me again.
He said he won't listen to her and he won't turn his back on me.
I guess I'm not visiting her anytime soon, or moving up there.
I don't know if this fight will blow over or not, but she's already crossed the line and shown me her true colors, I can't be close to her again. Now I have to put the walls even higher.
I won't answer her calls anymore, she really hurt me and made me feel like an awful human being. She is very triggering.
I've made my posts private on FB so she can't see a thing.
I think I'm even glad this happened. I knew deep down inside that Hope and Love and all that other sentimental shit was a joke.
People hurt you, the closer they are the more it hurts.
I've b/p 1x today and I've started abusing the laxatives again.
I may have to reconsider staying here after all. As for The Boy, he'll tire of me I'm sure. No one really loves or knows me anyways, only my husband does.
He may treat me like dirt, but who doesn't?
I guess I should just stay with him and keep indulging in the ED. I think fighting against the current is too tiring.
Some people are supposed to be weak so others can flourish.
Once upon a time my sister was a crackhead who prostituted herself for drugs and left her two boys alone at home.
Was in one abusive relationship after another, married an awful man. That same man would later put something in my drink and rape me. I told her and she took his side.
My sister left him a year later and shacked up with her current boyfriend who moved her out of town away from the drugs and sex.
Now she's doing better, and since then looks down on everyone Else's struggles. She sits on her soapbox unaware of the world around her.
Always bragging how great her life is, what a great boyfriend she has..pfft yea right if she only knew that when I returned from my last visit with her, her boyfriend kept telling me to meet him for drinks whenever he was in town.
Thank God I have a shrink and was able to work through that awful failed pass at me.
So that's it.
I won't pay her any mind any more.
One less person in my life to bother me.
I can't have anyone threaten my child, I won't have it. I'd rather sacrifice my happiness for my child's.
I'd gladly endure a failed marriage just so she can play make believe with her dad and stay smiling, unknowing of my inner loneliness.
Everything I've done is for that child, she is the only reason why I bother to do anything at all.
The only reason why I don't plunge a knife in my neck or slit my wrists.
I would do anything for her, and for some stupid petty person to dare say that I'm an unfit mother is just wrong.
I have an ED and I suffer from Depression, but I'm a person dammit, I have fucking feelings too!
If you can't deal with me then FUCK OFF.
I don't care if I ever speak to her again.
I'll prove her wrong, I won't be like this forever.
Today is a bad day because I can't get the crying under control, but tomorrow is another day and a fresh start. I won't always be down here, I'll have my own soapbox to stand on one day too.

8 comments:

Jenn said...

JEEZE you're a rockstar. Having that positive attitude at the end of the post after all that? You are an inspiration you know that?? I'm so proud to call you a friend. I don't want to talk smack about your sis cuz that's just not right. but I want to. She's a freak, I'll leave it at that.
xo

muttonfish said...

So sorry to hear of the hurtful things your sister said to you. You are right to get some distance from her for a while. Don't believe a word she said -- her comments were cruel and hateful and they say a whole lot more about her than you.

Keep your chin up. You are beautiful inside and out. You are smart and articulate and determined. That is probably where her anger comes from, she feels threatened by you. You are better than her and better than her hate.

Emry said...

I'm sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. Your sister said some very hurtful & untrue things. And to threaten a momma about her children... that's also uncalled for. I hope things get better soon & I'm glad to see that you still have hope for the future (from the way you ended the post).

CAliChica said...

omagosh ,that is really cruel .I'm sorry to hear that happened to you .Wow u really love your daughter ,thats great . I hate how when people know you have an ED they stop treating you like a normal person ,i mean we still have brain ! get better ,i hope you find happiness for all of you
xoxox

Mich said...

I'm sorry about your sister, I hope everything works out, even if it takes some time. <3 It's a shame that our family members are the ones who often hurt us the most.

It's good you're staying positive. Tomorrow is always another day, and another chance to start again.

xoxo

Peridot (G+P) said...

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I LOST ANOTHER COMMENT.

Your sister is a grade-a cretin who you're better off without talkign to.

Also: American Lions are NOT dead, theyres one living in Miami. Her name is Lou and she is AWESOME.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Lion
http://www.tarpits.org/education/guide/flora/lion.html

Going to go now, doxe is making me loopy.

Love you, please look after yourself this weekend <3

Claire said...

omg. I can not believe your sister. YOU ARE AMAZING! you are a fantastic mother! you're just going through the shit which will make you stronger at the other end. Maybe walls are a good thing right now, you need some protection from the crazy around you. Maybe staying close to your medical care is a blessing in disguise? you never know...
In conclusion- your sister is a nutter and you NEVER deserve to be treated like that. You deserve to be treated like the beautiful creature you are. Do something that makes you happy- don't give up hun! Sending you love, strength & positivity vibes x x x

EmptyShell said...

You are fantastic. It's amazing what you do for your daughter and it's super fucked up that your sister threatened you like that. She should know better then to get between a mother and her child and she is certainly in no position to judge you.

Don't give up on your dreams of leaving, even if it takes longer then you want it to, you can do it!