Monday, July 4, 2011

4th of July

I've taken my meds and I'm really woozy right now.
My eyes are puffy from crying.
I've just been sobbing in the shower for a complete hour, its the only room where I can have privacy.
Today is not a good day.
I did groceries this morning, I bought practically nothing. I'm forced to cook today-yipee!
I'm making stuffed burgers and chicken sandwiches.
I've been on my feet cooking all day, the shower helped get the stink of food off.
All I 've had is one cup of coffee.
I didn't eat today
I have no anxiety.
I was wrong, the pill doesn't keep the voices out.
The voices tell me I'm a fat pathetic loser. They are right.
Yesterday my "Happy Tuesday" friend acted jealous or hurt, I have no idea which emotion exactly because he is so vague.
He doesn't like me moving away I guess? or the extra attention by men, or maybe the fact that I said I have no real friends here.
I happened to be feeling really bad yesterday, dizzy and he cut me off to go watch a soccer game, told me he may come back online but to not wait around for him.
I told him I don't expect anything from him..
He said the same thing back to me and then wrote this on his FB wall..

 "God .. The Friend That Never Fails.. don't put your hopes & trust on human beings or the things created by them
Never complain about being alone or not having anyone there to help you out .. chances are if your still alive today he was the one helping you through the hardships of life.. don't blame anyone or put your faith in any one person or thing to dig you out of your hole .. have faith the lord will help you yourself dig your way out"

I felt like that was a personal shot at me.
So I left him a message telling him that he is the unreliable friend not me, I've always been there for him.
Well today as I'm putting groceries away he comes online and gives me a huge lecture, says that post wasn't about me. He says that he has a life and real problems, lots of things on his mind, he'll chat with me when he can but that's about it. He can't really offer me more.
I don't understand him, he said he had feelings for me, he cared what happens to me, now he's basically saying we're friends.
I'm a fool.
It's obvious that I care about him, but I guess I can't anymore.
He made me feel stupid, I thought he cared more, I guess not. Once again I've let another loser into my life.
I ended our conversation politely, I told him that I was sorry for assuming things that weren't there, clearly my feelings were one sided, I wished him a happy fourth of July and have been crying my eyes out all day long.
I cooked for everyone and they ate, I've cleaned up the kitchen and put away leftovers.
I have to get over him now. I can't see him in person ever again. I'll talk to him less and less until maybe he'll tire of me and just delete all together.
I wish I could close off my heart forever, stop yearning for someone to love me. I don't think I'm suppose to have anyone in my life.

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."
Audrey Hepburn

This is what I feel like everyday.
I'm glad I see my shrink tomorrow, I need to vent, I'm so lonely. I have no real friends.
The voices are loud today, they say such things to me, they want me to lose weight, they want me to slit my wrists, they want me to never talk again..
I told my sister yesterday that I'm getting real tired. I told her that suicide is a real possibility. She started to cry because she knows I don't wanna live anymore.
I feel like a waste of space.
I'm not strong, I'm nothing.
My husband asks me whats wrong.
I tell him I'm just depressed.
What am I suppose to say to him, I'm sad because someone doesn't feel the same way I do, rejection essentially. I can't tell him that. All my husband wants is for me to love him again. All I want is to love someone else.
I think God is punishing me, I think God will make so this man never leaves my side, he will wear me down until I give up and stay with him. I feel like an Elephant in the circus, they get beat until the trick is learned and done on command..

I'm sorry for the depressing post,  I guess tomorrow will be better.
I just have to harden up further. I have to stop trusting what people say, there are liars all around me. I know the real truth and that is that I'm a sick lonely woman, I'm not worth loving. I guess it's a good thing I have no friends, I wouldn't know how to treat anyone the right way.
At least I'm not b/p, I'm genuinely not hungry. I feel like I want to just starve, I don't deserve food.
I can't believe how ridiculous I've been,  why did I actually think if someone says something, they actually mean it?
Stupid Lou, dumb cow.
I feel really lightheaded, I think I need to go lay down now.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Depression has got us by the balls, no? *Hugs*

The right person will come one day. Walls keep assholes out, but they trap you inside and hide the right people from sight. Every sword has two edges to it, even if they aren't literally honed into the blade.

You DO deserve to be healthy, to live and to enjoy food. You're a motherfucking LIONESS (Or TRex. For some reason I see you as a lithe, muscled TRex Momma with beautiful ochre brown hide beating the shit out of something that was stupid enough to mess with her babies.)

I do believe that Gods test you, but I do NOT believe that they punish you without reason. Shit times are a crucible. They make us STRONGER, but not necessarily harder. Never give up on the sunshine and the hope for better days. Remember the prophecy spoken for Melisande; "That which yields is not always weak".

Our branches may be snapped off, our leaves torn away, our trunks may sway and bend in the tempest, but we ARE STRONGER than the hurricane that threatens to tear our roots from the soil. Even at our weakest, we are stronger than that which tries to defeat us. The wind and rain will end, the skies will clear and we will be there in the sun, bruised and battered but ALIVE and giving the retreating storm the finger.

It is harder when your enemies are locked in your skull with you, but they are still defeatable.

Don't you DARE give up. I do NOT want to have only your grave to visit when I go to America. I also want to get you and Miss.B. down here for a holiday. Dad will want to show off his 36y/o whiskey to you, and Mum will be good for a spliff if I ask nice XD

No matter what those lying bullshit voices say, I DO love you and I DO care and if I could have a sister I'd want a sister like you.

Arohanui, tuakana.

Peridot (G+P) said...


I found a lecturer for the Tire Slashing paper
I luffles Bruno!

OMG I'm totally spiking the next candy floss (Cotton Candy) machine I see with a fucking RAINBOW of different colours! I could slip my black food colouring in and make it 'Liquefaction Floss' in honour of all the poor Cantabrians still cleaning up XD

The First Lesson in Bitchiness is to learn to say 'No!' so something you don't want to do. . . and then STICK to it. It feels fan-fucking-TASTIC, even though you do feel bad when whoever's trying to take advantage of your good nature starts laying on the guilt. Tossers.

Will be going back to the docs and raging about this. I am kinda reluctant to give up the sleeping, but I gotta be sensible about this. By the time I need to get the prescription refilled I'll know for sure how it will be affecting me in the long run. The mood HAS perked a bit in the last few days, I think it may be doing something in that respect, but I fucking HATE how it takes a few weeks for your brain chemistry to show any real changes, while your body reacts pretty much instantly with all the Bad Shit. Not cool!!

Lol, Lord of the Knit. I like that! If you and Miss B design me a castle, I will build it. XD

*Raises mug of coffee* Here's to beating this shit. Like a Boss!


Dani said...

im sorry hun that things have been so bad lately if u ever eanna talk im here
ive learend that the voices are alwasy gonna b there and its a bitch u just have to learn to lbock them out i havent learned how to do that yet