Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Up and Down

Therapy today was super productive.
My shrink is coming to my rescue, she's producing a letter identifying my disorders and encouraging housing that my condition requires me to move.
I'm relieved, I'm praying that something changes for me. So far I've nothing but coffee and Ranch Sunflower seeds.
"You've lost weight? your face looks thinner from the last time I've seen you?" my very lovely shrink asks.
The massive week's binge caused that. I tell her I don't think I've lost weight, in fact I think I've gained. She raises her eyebrow in suspicion.
No one notices my plight.
After my session I headed next door to the clinic and made an appointment. My knee hurts bad, its starting to affect me walking, and more importantly the chest pain is intensifying.
I'm getting scared, what if I'm having a heart attack?
Maybe the lax and bulimia binge really got me this time. I'm not going to b/p today at all, I need to start putting things back into my body instead. My Dr.will see me on Monday, if the pain gets worse I'm going to the E.R
I hate hospitals, I would be trapped there all day but I have no other choice. I'm really scared. I told my husband last nite that I don't think I'm going to be around much longer. I think one of these days the heart will be strained too much. My husband says he cries for me and wishes I would just stop this obsession with weight loss. He says he doesn't know what to do or say so he just does nothing. He says that I am the strongest person he knows and I won't go first, that I need to be around, that this world is not meant to be lived without me in it.

Its another hot day, and that means more walking for me. Thanks to no summer camp my daughter is bored out of her mind, I've decided to take her to the library, Free Air Conditioned Paradise.
I hope I'll be okay, I'm starting to worry now.

For Peridot
Sugar for the walk home lol


Claire said...

For once I agree with your husband, You ARE strong, you can get through this, this world is a better place with you IN it!!
I hope you feel better soon, please take care xxx

MadelinaCooke said...

I hope you're okay! Try to relax, even though that's such a hard thing to do sometimes. What your hubby said is so darn sweet, and he's right. I hope all works out <3

Dani said...

if u think ur body is gonna give up then it will but if u fight it its better trust me i fight to stay alive all the time i get teh worse chest adn between teh shoulder blades pain so bad but if u fight it will all u have u have achance
lobe the pics hun

All.That.Wander.Are.Not.Lost said...

I really hope you are ok:( It always opens my eyes to how serious this disease is when I hear other girls talking about the health issues they are starting to notice in themselves. Maybe this is just a scare? Either way I hope you start taking better care of yourself:( (I know it's easier said than done though).
Your pictures are lovely, is that your daughter? She's adorable, and you are stunning girl!

(BTW-I am going to be in Panama (blaaah), good to know they have my morning star though haha)

Jenn said...

Lou, I LOVE you're picture posts :-) I should do that more. I did just made a post with SOME pics you prolly already saw on facebook. But I made one extra joke I couldn't put on facebook (about chipmunk cheeks) and I think you should read my blog this time or better yet, follow me ! ;->

I hope hope hope you're chest pain feels better today. let us know k. love love love ya

Peridot (G+P) said...




I'm so jealous of your library. So pretty!!

Fuck I hope you're ok. Nuke a potato for some potassium and take it easy, ok? Flushing electrolytes out of both ends and the associated straining over the bowl takes time to rectify :(

*Sighs at hubby* How about you stop being such a triggering FUCKSTAIN half the time? Douche. Although he has it right when he says the world needs you in it. To be perfectly honest I selfishly want you to stick around. SO THERE! *Sticks out tongue*

Regarding knitting, the FIRST thing I looked at on Felt (New Zealand's Etsy) was whether or not they do international shipping. Since they do, (YIPPEE!) my next plan is to go to the bank to ask about hidden fees. One of my mates at the same bank as I got stung with a $NZ3 fee every time he sold something online and the buyer deposited the payment into his account. . . NOT COOL!! Lol, what do you think of the name 'Topaz Tangles'?

I hope you're having a good day. If we get more snow overnight I'm so snapping Mt.Cargill again in the morning. It's fucking coooooooold and snow has been forecast. . . Who knows?

LOVE YOU!! xoxoxoxoxo