Friday, July 1, 2011

Well, well what have we here?


I took half of the Wellbutrin in the morning, then the other half later in the afternoon.
I wasn't feeling anything?
I made the mistake of walking to the store and that's when it hit me, the massive anxiety attack.
I felt dizzy, real dizzy. I was halfway to the store and didn't want to turn back, I kept telling myself if I can just get there everything will be okay.
Inside the market now and I'm trying to rush and just buy what I need rather quickly, there is a long line at the checkout. My cellphone is about to die, I keep glancing at it, I think I can't walk the measly 10 blocks back home, I may need to wake my husband up so he can get me.
I feel really dizzy,I think I'm going to faint. I start silently praying in my head, Please God don't let me pass out here with all these strangers.
The line is moving and I'm one person away from the counter, I shove the few items I have on the edge of the counter to give my arms a break, I've already scrolled through the cell phone's address book and have my husband's number on standby.
Finally when the Vertigo its at its highest and I'm sure this is it, I'm going down now, a voice talks to me out of nowhere.
A small thin woman, about 4'9 and aged 60 at least, short mustard colored hair, and tan. Dry skin, worn out  from too much sun over the years, dressed in little grey shorts and a colorful patterned blouse, glasses thick and super reflective. She continues to move her lips and I try to focus on what's she saying.
"Oh that's's good for you right? I eat jars of that at home." she points to my Jar or Peanut Butter, my new addiction, a safe food and must have now at all times.
I nod my head and she continues making small talk with me while her items get rung up and she pays.
"You should wear your seat belt, I have two grandchildren and I make sure they wear their seat belt all the time." She pulls out her wallet and shows me the picture of the two kids.
I indulge her and tell her that I always wear my seat belt which is true.
Finally my items are scanned and I had the cashier the amount, the small woman has not left the store yet. I grab my bag and slowly walk out, she holds the door for me.
Outside now and the chatter continues, she pulls out the kid's picture again and tells me I must wear a seat belt. I assure her that I will and thank her for the suggestion, I start to walk away, turning to look back and she doesn't take her eyes off of me.
The panic is muted, whatever just happened was a great distraction. I rush home before the next wave of anxiety can hit.
The Wellbutrin makes me angry at first, I'm bitching about dishes and hissing at the cats who've completely destroyed my Lucky Bamboo plant. They think it's a salad bar, my poor little plant..
After my husband goes to work finally, I start to wind down and decide to workout.
Nighttime now and I'm waiting on my husband to return home, my daughter is in bed and I'm chatting online with the boy.
My Happy Tuesday friend has not spoken to me all day today, our last talk was a weird one.
I hate how much it bothers me when I don't hear from him, I know he doesn't really care about me. If he cared he'd be around more, but he's not. I need to find a way to stop having feelings for him, this will not end well.
When my husband arrives I tell him that I'm taking the Clonazapem tonight, to please check my breathing in the middle of the night, I have an extreme fear of dying in my sleep. Now you see why I'm an insomniac.
He reassures me that I will be okay.
"I 've never met anyone in my whole entire life like you, you live off of crackers and you throw up all day, afterwards you jump on an exercise machine for hours and walk all around the city for miles and miles on foot. You drink on an empty stomach and never sit anywhere for longer than five minutes without fidgeting..Trust Me, you're not dying anytime soon, you're strong. Most people would be dead by now with all that you do in a single day."
So the pill is gobbled up and I lay down and close my eyes wondering if in my sleep I will feel an anxiety attack.

I wake up at 7am and head to the bathroom to weigh 109lbs today. I feel backed up.
I take a whole Wellbutrin this time and head back to bed, at 10 am everyone here wakes up.
I'm groggy at first and hope that the day won't stay like that. The morning is dark, an overcast has set in on the city. I make coffee and sit on the couch sipping it slowly, I grab a tablespoon of peanut butter and lick that for 5 whole minutes savoring the small dollop until it's completely gone. I wonder what someone would say if they saw me eating the way I do, they might think I'm crazy.
I can't help but eat that way, cutting things up into a million little pieces or separating things by shape or color. I stretch the food, its like its my final meal and I'm making it last forever. To me its a good way to avoid a binge.
Yesterday zero, today let's hope for the same.
No anger yet, only a lot of discomfort, things get to me but I'm more controlled today. It's also incredibly quiet in this house?
I look around and even go so far as to open my front door and stare into the hallway.
I shower while my husband wakes up to get ready and go to work early today. I walk to the store to get bread. We're running low on food here, the b/p party I threw myself on Monday and Tuesday really set us back. It's almost grocery day again, soon I can put back everything, I've ransacked the house eating things that noone else would eat.
Bread and Cold Cuts for today, my daughter's favorite. Plenty of fruit too.
The day is beautiful outside and its a nice day for a walk. I think I want to do that later.
My husband is finally gone to work and I'm checking emails, nothing yet from Happy Tuesday friend.
Heavy sigh, Lou you're a fool.
I deffinately need to not care anymore about him, he doesn't. Why do I always do this, I keep allowing people back into my life who don't really care about me. I hate that I have feelings for him, that I've put myself in this weak position.
The boy is online now and saying Hello, the boy is always around, he always makes time for me, when he can't get a hold of me he asks is something wrong?
When he's at work he IM's me to tell me he really misses me, he lets me know when he's home from work even. My sister adores him, says we make the cutest couple ever. She took a picture with him on his phone and sent it to me, his face red. She says "He's blushing, I call him Brother in Law.."
My sister being nosy will ask him about us, he says nothing. He is very polite and respectful, doesn't like when other people mention me in a disrespectful way such as .."Yea her sister, the hott one, I'd love to hit that." He stops them in their tracks.
One day my sister made a comment about me to another coworker, she being on a diet, so weightloss is always discussed. I'm brought up and something is said along the lines of "My sister is too skinny."
The boy hearing this, says to my sister that there is no such thing as being too skinny..
My sister disagrees.
I know there is such a think as "Gaydar" that suspicion when another person is gay or displays gay tendancies. Is there such a thing as "EDdar?" Can certain people give off little sparks of disordered eating patterns?
The boy is 6ft tall, beautiful blue eys that sometimes turn green, black soft hair and pale fair skin. He is a bit skinny, not too much though. He says he weighs 150lbs, but all his life he's been yo-yoing between 110-120lbs?
When I ask how come he was so thin, he says he just ate differently from everyone else.
He eats like that still, webcaming with him and all he ate was a small individual size chip bag and water. I was eating a pack of Ranch Sunflower seeds and loving everyminute of it, my own botle of water on the side.
Sometimes we'll be chatting and ask each other whats for  dinner, I'll say I cooked but maybe I'm skipping dinner. He says I'm not having dinner today, I want pancakes tomorrow, I'll wait until then. Or he says I'm not hungey alltogether..
Do these sound like signs to you, male ED's are so hard to diagnose.
The boy even works out on nights he can't sleep.
Maybe I'm just grasping at straws here, hoping that another like me is in proximity and even better okay with my disorder and still could love me in spite of it.
I guess I'm just really lonely and wishing I could finally connect with another person. Happy Tuesday friend is a no show today, he hates when I b/p, so I guess maybe this is his way of showing me how much it bothers him or something.
I'm feeling better today, no voices at all. My head is so quiet, there is a complete deafening silence that I wanna revel in.
It starts to rain on and off and I tell my daughter that we should have a pinic indoors. She's happy about this idea so we head around the neighborhood before going to the market for supplies. New Gallaries are up and new murals that I wanna share with you all..

So my beautiful readers, today Thursday has been an incredible day, no ED voices or anxiety at all..No depression either. I got to spend a great time with my kid without worrying and fretting over things that are out of my control. Tomorrow another picnic indoors followed by arts and crafts.
Dr. Jerkoff did something right by increasing the dosage, I'm able to function, not drowsey anymore. The sleep was okay and since no worrying in my head the bad voices couldn't get to me and make me think my demise was near.
I dare say that I am happy.
No Happy Tuesday friend in sight, that upsets me, but maybe now that I feel better I can focus my energy on something else, and since he wants to disappear for a few days, I will too. Except with me Out of Sight is Out of Mind. If I can go a week without hearing from him, then that's it he's out of my system.
I'll Vlog later if I can, Hubby may be off today, they have him on standby because of the upcoming Holiday.
I hope I continue to feel better.
Take care all and see you soon!


Avani said...

I'm doing things in the wrong order here, as I watched your vlog first. But your husband sounds amazing and supportive. And the pictures are super good.

Claire said...

Yay! I'm so glad to hear you're doing better! :) fingers crosses it stays good and you can enjoy your life again. Thanks for sharing the amazing street art in your area, I love seeing it- it makes me jealous!
If a week without mr tuesday will get him out of your system then if you really don't want him you can move on? but if you have feelings this strong, they're obviously for a reason? The boy sounds gorgeous though and more fun to me. As for the ED thing, I think it exists- people that have experienced it or have been part of someone else's journey will pick up things but I wouldn't jump to conclusions about the boy's eating habits. Some people just don't love food. Have you ever seen supersize vs super skinny? the skinnys have no interest in food and just naturally perform ed behaviours without having one.... its odd. I'm sure he'll love you for everything you are if you give him the chance.
Lots of love & smiles xxx

Peridot (G+P) said...

"I keep allowing people back into my life who don't really care about me."
I do that too. All the fucking time. I came to the realization last night that just because I've known somebody for years it doesn't mean I can trust them. Bloody hell, I have a lot of work to do! Keep hanging out with/relying on the same tossers who let me down. Not good!

Lol, I have an 'EDdar'. Served 2 people today from opposite ends fo the spectrum. Bitchy ana-type who took her irritation at being around food (Buying meat for others or herself? Couldn't tell) out on me, and a rude mia-type with swollen saliva glands buying coleslaw for a binge or to avoid one. People's attitudes around food really gives them away.

I LOVED the murals, especially the girls with the lilies. You live in a place filled with art, you lucky bitch! *Sigh of Envy*

I have a random question: Is Mr Calico still the Lord of All Evil? If so, does he need a nemesis or some henchmen? I'm going to be knitting some toys for the Fresh Futures craft stall, and I want the good stuff to go to a good home ;) (As in a home where they will be given personalities and played with properly)

I'll watch the Vlog when Miles is out putting up posters tomorrow. I hope the rest of your weekend goes well. Side-effects can suck my sweaty unshaven ballsack. I wanna lift more than 5kg again (15lbs?) without passing out! D:

Arohanui <3

Dani said...

male ed's are a really ahrd thing to diagnose he might have one or he might just have disordered eating
im sorry that that one day was so rough for u all those voices but im glad the crazy old lady talked to u and i know ithelped
the pics are so pretty