Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Touched by an Angel

Well now,
I believe we've completed a 3day fast!
Woo Hoo!
I'm so happy and a little bit dizzy but all in all Mia free!
Monday was tough but I held on with water and tea, I tried to only allow myself one cup of coffee, the java that day became sort of triggering for me, I started to want another cup and then another until, I'd feel full and that would lead to a binge, so I fought hard and only had one cup.
I spent the day reading and watching Big Brother episodes.
I can't get enough of this show my goodness.

I want to say to the lovely Sam who asked me about the book I was reading, particularly the Author's name, here is the answer sweetie. "Hungry" by Joanna Torrey..
Its a great read, I think you would like it very much, I hope you can find it at your local Library or bookstore.

You know I was thinking of actually making a Vlog and sharing some of my Favorite Books to read, what do you all think?
Maybe in the near future.
Monday was fine, my husband took my daughter to the Water park and then a buffet, they got home pink, tired and smelling of Chlorine. My daughter complained of a stomach ache, I gave her medicine to help with her tummy ache. I was the last to head to bed at 2am after chatting with The Boy and watching more Big Brother episodes. My daughter stirred in bed and made noises, I thought she was having a nightmare so I rubbed her back and wiped the sweat  dews from her forehead, she turned again and then vomited on her pillow. Oh boy, the noise awoke my husband who now sleeps in her twin bed alone. My daughter has been sleeping in my bed now for the last two months.
The smell was nothing to me or the sight of vomit itself, my husband on the other hand covered his nose and heaved in disgust. He took the sheets off all the beds while I bathed and calmed my daughter down. She was crying at the fact she messed up the bed. My husband made a 2:30am run to the 24 hour Laundromat to wash all the linens in the house.
It was a long night to say the least, my daughter fell asleep on the couch with me as we waited for my husband's return.
This morning all is well and I'm happy to see my Shrink.
I go weigh and I'm right back to normal, my maintaining weight, my safe number.
I let out a huge sigh of relief, I'm actually happy today. Today I love myself and the way I look in the mirror. I stare at my naked body and cut myself some slack. I think I'm okay, I think I look fine. I'm not fat. I'm normal. I feel safe and hopeful again. I feel in control.
I want today to be a good day, please God give me one day, can you spare a good Tuesday for me?
I'm actually cold today, really cold. My meds and supps are gobbled up. Thanks to the wonderful Peridots suggestion of writing things down, I've had the correct number of pills today in my bottle. I have a refill to pick up today for more Wellbutrin. There is a little bit of sadness from my sister that looms in the background, but I tell myself this is for the best, we needed a separation for awhile. Sometimes its good to distance yourself from people. You get so intertwined you forget yourself. You get caught up in their nonsense and forget your goals.
The bottom line is this..I'm looking out for Lou.
If it's you and me in a room, I will survive, It will be me, because you as a person have to always put yourself first, you need to look out for #1 always.
I have goals, ambition, things and places I want to do and see. I want to be a better person.
My dad used to always say, "If you hang around with people who don't have anything (goals,dreams,love,future,respect for themselves,dignity,honor,honesty) you won't have anything either.."
So purging people and separating myself from those who do not benefit me if a good idea.
I have to do what's best for me, live this life that I've been given, take advantage of the second and third chances even that I'm given. Make the most of this life and start taking responsibility for it.
If nothing Changes, then Nothing Changes!
I'm sure my sister and I will talk again one day, we've had fights like this before, back in those younger years, I have forgiveness waiting for her, but right now I think I need to grow some away from her, get independent, prove her wrong. She'll grow too as a person, and maybe even learn a thing or two in my absence.
Love is strong and it always has a way of bringing those who are meant to be in your life right back.
We'll see each other again, one day.
My favorite Kings of Leon lyric from their new song The Face, it says "Ride out the wave.."
That's what I plan to do.
So Tuesday and I'm happy, back down some weight, and hopeful again.
I see my lovely therapist, I even bring a handkerchief in my purse, I'm ready to let out some anguish, tell her about my lousy week.
We talk and I tell her everything, the crying is good.
Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a blessing. When we are born, we all Cry, it is expected and anticipated for one reason and one alone-To show we're Alive!
I feel pounds lighter venting.
We get to the Housing ordeal and my Therapist is an Angel, I think I can see a Halo if I look hard enough..
She calls my Case Manager's Supervisor, she calls my Case Manager, we have an Impromptu conference on the phone, everyone agrees that an injustice has been done to me, that this little deal of living here in this awful roach infested studio with a child is making me sicker. My case Manager is ordered to go to housing and plead my case, have the Dr. sign a Reasonable Accommodation request Package.
Worst case scenario, I'm turned down again. Or who knows maybe I won't be.
My therapist glows, she's had a victory in my defense. I cry happy tears and feel proud to have someone like this fight for me.
"Do you know Lou why I'm doing all of this?" she asks me in her thick Latin accent (I love any accent, its music to my ears.)
I shake my head no of course and blow my nose on my Hello Kitty handkerchief.
"Its for two reasons, 1) Because I care a great deal for you and I think this is an incredible injustice to you, this little thing of moving can actually be beneficial to you. Will make your self esteem and mood 360 instantly. I want this for you because you will get better quicker. 2) I'm doing this also as an example, think of me as a Model, you see how they tell you No, you became passive again and decide there is nothing more that can be done. There are always things we can do, You have to make things happen. Change things, speak up, make moves. Expect different results and sometime they come true."
I take it all in and hope to be as strong as she believes me to be. I smile because it makes me also think of  a comic I saw once..

So the session is over and I walk out feeling vindicated, I hope something can be done. They've already told me no, what more can they say other than No again right?
So now I'm home, I've been out with my daughter and husband, window shopping and I've made them dinner. I bought more tea and I've taken my meds for the night. Watching more Big Brother and then chat with The Boy before bed.
I spoke to Happy Tuesday yesterday very briefly, he says he misses me. I said nothing in return. I don't want to cross any lines. I'm going to try to stick to being his friend, its very tempting to see him again on account of the car in working order and all, but I think I won't.
As for The Boy, well its nice to talk to him, he is very sweet and so dam cute. I won't expect anything more than a good conversation with a decent person. He's happy if I'm happy, that's cute, and he told me yesterday he was up for an assistant Manager position, I'm very happy for him, he's a hard worker. Who knows what the future holds, strange things happen to me all the time.
I hope you all are well, going to continue the good fight, and more Big Brother lol.


AKA 'Krystal' said...

hey Lou -
im really happy the therapist was able to assist you in making a voice for yourself... i am also happy you made it through your 3 days... i would love to do a fast but everytime i try - hubby steps in and pushe me to eat and eat more... i despise mia in my life and i am working to still delete her or at least to sauder the chains that bind us - apart... i can live knowing she is in the corner - doing a much needed timeout and i can continue to move forward in my recovery journey. i think you should check out and see if the local chapter there has ANAD meetins or ED meetings in your area... i think the meetings here will benefit me the more i go... the hardest part is always the beginning because ED is totally combatting my push to recvery... so ya - u can do it - i believe in u.

Sam said...

YES, YES, YES, I think you should def do a vlog of your fav books. That would be great. Thank for the book information.

Exstatic that things are begining to look up with the boy, the housing, and the positive changes.

Hope your baby is doing better and congrats on the fast.


Dani said...

im glad that ur hterapist is there for u