Tuesday, January 3, 2012

So far so good.

Well I think I'm finally curbing the b/p.
I actually ate something on New Year's eve and haven't purged since.
Yesterday (Monday) actually ate nothing at all. I'm back down to 108lbs. I can't seem to shake that number but at least damage control is done and I'm not having a meltdown over my weight yet.
The NYE's party was great, I'm glad I went and got out of that rut I've put myself in where I let the anxiety back me up into a corner. I miss people and even though I was shaking and nervous when I first got there I overcame my fear and impersonated an actual carefree woman having a nice night out.

 I'm actually turning food away, I had a bunch of bananas that I've thrown away after peeling one and then hearing a voice tell me, "that doesn't taste good, do you really want to waste your time eating that?"
I have an actual pack of bacon and a whole carton of eggs sitting in my fridge untouched, this is epic. I would have binged on that already but that same voice resonates and reminds me that the food will be there tomorrow and the next day if I change my mind. For some odd reason this logic is comforting to me.
That I can binge later on if I wanted to, but for now I don't.

Today was the first day back to school, it's a chilly 54 degrees here.
My daughter was not in a good mood at all this morning, her happy days of playing with toys and staying up late are done with, I couldn't be more ecstatic to have a moments peace to myself again. I love being a mom but boy is it exhausting.

This cold does something awful to my joints. I'm going to buy an actual walking cane today. Sometime this month I'm going to see my Dr. and hope he can remedy this bad knee ache. I hope he doesn't just give me an Rx for pain killers and sends me on my merry way. Not that being doped outta my gourd wouldn't be fabulous, I'm trying to not go that route because I need to not be a zombie for work's sake.
I don't know why but I'm actually thinking maybe my knee killing me in addition to some of my other bones may actually mean something bad, this eating disorder is killing me slowly and well I wouldn't be surprised if I had Osteopenia or something along those lines. I exercise like crazy and that's not healthy at all. I hope this year I can find a comfortable balance with my eating disorder (lol that sounds like crazy talk) I want to slow these behaviors down or learn to not do some at all. I'm so tired all the time now. Feels like everything around me doesn't exist only ED. I think if I push hard enough I can find a way to live again, something has to give and good things are due for me right? *crickets*

My niece called last night and it was a great conversation, she is looking for work herself. I'm not sure what's going on with my friend's request for my resume, I'm still waiting to hear back if I'm a desirable candidate for trivial mediocre work. Either way still applying places and looking as always.
Happy Tuesday and I spoke on New Year's Day and he was quite drunk lol. It's been a long time since we last hooked up. Maybe that's a good thing, I kinda wished I was working already, I'd be so distracted I would have no time for him whatsoever. He and I can never be more than FWB..I don't want complications from another man, I'm trying my hardest to dump the loser I'm married to now, don't need to replace one dummy for another.
I'm defrosting some lean ground beef to make picadillo today with white rice, something hot to feed my kid, I'm not hungry, I'm just thirsty. Tomorrow is grocery day, I have no idea what to buy?
I know one thing that's a must, Cranberries.
Yesterday my kidneys hurt so bad couldn't walk or bend over. My drinking has been getting worse, I'm sure if I had labs done my results would be shocking.
Well I'm headed back to bed, going to pop a painkiller for my bum knee and try to dream about Caleb Followill lol.


Peridot (G+P) said...

We are 3 staff down and Nos'R'Us pays good :p

Yay for the fun New Year's! Fake it till you make it, no? Sometimes if we wear a mask long enough it becomes reality.

Ouch, I hear you on the knee. Lack of strength training means I'm cane shopping too. Maybe I can use the new skills to crochet us up some Epic Cane Holsters?

I completely forgot what I was going to knit Miss B. Was it a Hiphopopotamus or a Rhymenocerous? Had a brainfail and forgot >.< Man I wish I was going back to school like her! I don't know what to do with myself without Uni providing structure. Knit a Mini University? o.O

I hope you can find a happy medium this year so you can begin to live instead of simply endure. You're a wonderful person and the world would be a shithole without you!