Monday, January 30, 2012

No one said it was easy

I'm still here.
Today is by far the worst with my ED, holy shit is it bad.
I think my period is on? I don't really know if that's what it is, the only other time I've had a flow this light was before I had my daughter when I was at my lowest weight ever, right before I stopped having periods altogether.
I ate again today, I feel like crap now.
I'm so bloated, my digestion is awful.
The kidney pains are gone. My knee doesn't even hurt today, at least that's good news. My weight is still the same although I swear I feel like I'm slowly expanding by the minute.
I'm still keeping to myself, I just feel like I have nothing whatsoever to say to anyone. Plus no one really likes me when I get all negative like this, I can be a bit much, so I don't want to annoy anyone.
I know everyone means well and I appreciate what you all say attempting to cheer me up.
Its this ED, I feel like I'm drowning.

I just have to make the most of the day and try my hardest to learn to live myself. Like it or not I have to make this body of mines work.

I'll try to be a little more social tomorrow, I don't like cold shoulders and that's what I'm doing. It's not fair to anyone I care about to be this selfish regardless.

I wanted to distract myself because I was really triggered earlier and felt so sure today day 27 was the day I would finally cave and really binge..
I went on Craig's List just to humor myself. I hate looking at furniture because I'm still stuck here and what would I do if I actually saw something I really wanted, where would I stick it?
I did this very thing anyways.
I emailed someone who was giving away IKEA goods. I love IKEA!
I honestly didn't think he would respond so fast but there it was.
Free furniture and a reply asking how soon can you take it off my hands?
I called my husband who was at the park with my kid and he said sure let's go get it, free is free and you're gonna need all you can.
So my little yellow bug actually fit all that in it. I shook my head in disbelief, I think my car is 1/3 clown car.

An IKEA desk, bookcase and 2 chairs.
This was the highlight of my day.
My apartment looks like an episode of Hoarders, there is stuff everywhere. I still have loads to keep dumping.
My daughter was so excited, she can't wait to move and decorate her room.
Neither can I.
I hope my appointment comes this week. I'm ready to get this show on the road.
My mechanic postponed my car repair for tomorrow morning. What a hassle.

I'm gonna watch a little T.V with the Mrs. then get back to my book..
Goodnite all!

To Peridot you and your blog are not at all triggering to me sweetie, as a matter of fact reading any blogs don't trigger me.
We all the right to write what we please, it is after all our blogs and we should be able to vent when we want.
So ((hugs)) to you all for writing still. There are a lot of Bloggers who've gone missing and I think it's disappointing but everyone has their reasons.
In any case keep writing and I'll keep reading.


Sam said...

Sorry I've been struggling so much lately. I know my words are of no comfort to you but sadly they are all I can give. Congrats on the 27 days, especially with this one where u thought ud fold but didn't. U really are an inspiration.

All I can suggest about the house is keep checking in on the progress. Sometimes they need a little push to get all their stuff done.


Peridot (G+P) said...

The feelings of expansion are Ed tricks. Try not to listen, they're false!

Yay for no kidney pains! Kidney problems are never good. Keep them fluids up, ok? I don't think Miss.B is old enough to donate you a kidney if yours fuck out for good!

Your feeling of drowning reminds me of the intro to 'All Blacks Don't Cry', I've only gotten that for in. Yay for good distractions! They're like the life ring in a storm. Grab them and hold on to them and you WILL get through.

You have a clown car, I have a clown. We need to talk!

I really REALLY want to send you some Cool New House Things and some things for Miss.B to hang on her walls, but I'm restraining myself until after you move. The EXCITEMENT! It is PALPABLE! (Actually bouncing up and down here!)

Thank you for the wonderful comment and the shoutout. I'm needing to have a maybe-triggering-weight-related rage soon. Fucking bitch at work! RAAAAR!!! I'm glad I don't trigger you. I've not been talking about food stuff coz who wants to hear about stagflation? (Economics term, always made me laugh when the lecturer used it)

I've considered making granny-square or domino-square coasters out of acrylic yarn and then plasticising it, or making them out of the cotton you get for knitting dishcloths, coz then they'd be really absorbent and easily washable.

Lol, if I get really bored I'll learn how to do tatting/bobbin lace and make you some doilys :p

Ugh, fucking Valenwhines day? The day guys whine about having to buy flowers on? I always go out and buy MYSELF something nice on that day. Like a vase to put all the on-sale cut flowers in the next day XD I love me some cheap roses! (Also a great time of year for making pot-pori)

I've finished the outside of my Epic House! Optifine is amazing, I'm going to give it to Miles to see if it improves his game running. Although, I think his memory-running-out issues are related to it being written in Java and his laptop being a piece of crap :x

OMG I LOVE MOHAWK HATS!!! I should make a supply in Team Colours for the Super 12/14/whatever the fucking number is these days :3

Rofl, I would totally send that text if I wasn't s100%sure I wouldn't be arrested. Our government is doing seriously dodgy shit these days regarding information privacy. Did you see those British tourists who got denied entry into the USA for joking about on twitter? Yikes! I'd probably get done in relation to missing hikers or something. (Lots of hikers go missing here, they underestimate just how dangerous the Southern Alps can be. They do get found again, we have a good rescue helicopter!)

Lots of love and cat fluff!