Thursday, January 26, 2012

I spy..

My daughter has tutoring today, decided to walk and get her.
I'm still pissy about the weight gain and I need exercise every chance I get.
I'm anxious today. The walk didn't help that out. I had to keep telling myself it was going to be okay. Sometimes I think the Buspar doesn't do shit.
I see my Dr. tomorrow, I think I'll tell him that, I know he's going to say something stupid in response like last time-"Work through the anxiety."
Well fucker if I knew how to do that then I wouldn't be in this pickle.

I don't know what he'll say, probably up the Buspar, wish I could start a new medication.
I skipped my Wellbutrin today.
Maybe that's also why I'm anxious.
The long walk felt awful, I kept feeling lightheaded and kept thinking it was too late to turn back now.
I kept trying to think of all kind of things to distract myself, but all that kept popping in my head was ideas of b/p.
I tried and tried and kept feeling worse.
Stupid ED wish it would just put me on my ass already so I can just be locked away in a hospital room for good.
It doesn't.
Instead I do all sorts of things and still manage to wake up every morning in this same skin that I loathe.
I'm not in a good mood. I hate waiting and now it's all about waiting on account of the Housing appointment.
I keep thinking about what I'm going to do for income.
Why am I not passing out?
I know I'm dehydrated, I keep waiting for the seizure or the blackout that never comes?
I haven't eaten today, I really shouldn't. I think I've eaten enough these past few days.
Today is one of those days where I just don't want to put up the facade with anyone. I just want to stay in bed. Day 23 no Bulimia. I should be happy about this but you know ED never satisfied.
When I get back I have to finish purging some more crap I won't be taking with me before homework and making dinner for my kid.
On the way back from school, my daughter complaining about everything, we see something odd in the street.

A Hawk eating a pigeon. It was both beautiful and frightening at the same time.
My daughter was appalled and actually wanted me to intervene on the pigeon's behalf.
So sorry baby, umm I think that pigeon's days of bob..peck peck peck on the sidewalk are over. I give her the Circle of Life reference from the Lion King, she smiles catching my drift.

That's life, some just don't make it.
It is a eat or be eaten world out there, and I think seeing this on our walk home just verified it.
I don't see myself as a pigeon. I'll do whatever it takes to keep pushing forward.
They may not always be the best choices but they are mines alone to make.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Ah Disney, helping us give socially acceptable frames of reference for the earthier parts of life.

Ever since I watched a documentary about Cheetahs and how close to starvation they live every day, I stopped cheering for the gazelle's escape and praying that it would give itself so Mum and Cubs could have at least a haunch before inevitably being driven off by the scavs.

Dear Ed.
STFU and leave Lou alone. You're a murderous fuckwad and she deserves better than you. Get the hell out of her life!

When are you moving? Where are you moving to? I know you've probably told us all this but work has eaten my blog and youtube time -.-; Next week it looks like we're back to normal so I'll be spending some time catching up on your Vlogs.

Thank you so much for the comment. Lol like hell am I going to let this shit make me mar my tattoo canvas when I'm SOOOOO close to new ink! Not worth it, brain. Not worth it.

Omg your kids and car accidents comment made me laugh till I cried. The most common one we have here is 'Don't drink and park, accidents cause people' or something like that. I'm misquoting it coz meh brain is frazzled.

There is a lyric from an Anya Anastasia and the Bird Wizdom Cabaret you might like.
"A tumbledown(x3) life is better than a shackled up soul"
The song that that is from reminds me of you. I really should burn you a copy of the album when I get a real desktop compooper.

Thank you again for your wonderful wonderful words. You are an amazing person and I have no words to express how grateful I am for having had the luck to stumble across your blog and make your acquaintance in this vicarious internet fashion.

Massive hugs and all my love