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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Chatter

So I wanted to blog about these past two days and all that's happened.
I can't or rather I can't focus.

I've been taking my meds so my depression is in check. I am not depressed.
Today makes day 16 no b/p.
My weight is still at 103.

All good good things, yes wonderful things.
Why am I so sad then?

Yesterday I binged on a bag of Airheads, I craved candy so much it was making me nuts. It took all day but yea that bag is practically finished. This is the most I've allowed myself to eat in days..
My daughter had a bad cough Monday night, her stomach ached and she kept throwing up. The worst part of it all, the thing that hurt me the most was she was so tired and sleepy yet the sick feeling kept her up and in tears. I didn't sleep at all that night, I was so exhausted myself, but if she's going to lose sleep than I will too. Medicine I administered actually settled her down some at about 1am and she managed to sleep. I didn't, not until 5am only to find myself up at 7. I drank the rest of the Merlot that sat in my fridge, so I was a mess in the morning but she felt better so that's all that mattered. I had to apply for that Hotel job, my head throbbed and I was cold and cranky. Honestly I was not up to it at all. The clothes I wore were too big, I need to get smaller pants. I didn't feel confident at all, felt out of place. I thought at any moment someone was going to point to me and say 'You there, get outta here, you don't belong here with us!'
I arrived at the swanky over priced hotel and headed to Human Resources where I filled out my application and left a copy of my Resume. Let's see what happens. I kept looking around asking myself is there where I am going to end up finally?
Is this my job?

My husband was off so we got movies and I cooked. I made a Chicken Fricassee because it's my baby's favorite.



She got Green yesterday at school, green is good. She's feeling better too.
My slumlord has so called Inspectors patrolling my building's hallways in and out of apartments. I'm no fool, these people aren't inspectors.
They are appraisers. I know them folk all too well, having sold two homes of my own. Looks like the slumlord is selling this dump and cutting her loses, by loses I mean us tenants. I'm moving anyways so all this can do is probably speed up the thing, my heart is sad for the countless elderly that live here, where will they go, how will they move all their stuff, who will help them?
It's not fair.
I didn't get any sleep last night, maybe half an hour tops. I kept having awful nightmares and such endless chatter in my head, wish I was drunk, could get peace for a few hours.
This morning I wake up and I'm so tired. My husband is sound sleep in his own bed, a drunken slumber from last night. He and I have been getting along actually. Monday he paid my overdue light bill so now I have a clean slate for next month. He's been paying everything to leave me debt free which is the opposite of what I thought. I'm grateful that he may actually be mature about this, maybe we can both walk away with minimal damage after all.
I weigh.
Still 103.
My head hurts really bad, there is so much chatter its deafening.
I feel dizzy today and my vision is so blurry even with my glasses on. I make myself drink a shake and regret it instantly. My stomach starts to hurt and I feel nauseous. My daughter is dressed but I'm not. My stomach looks bloated? I don't know anymore, is it or not?
I don't know what I'm looking at anymore.
My daughter needs breakfast and I have to get dressed. I make a mean bowl of cereal in the morning, but today she wants bagels with cream cheese and sliced strawberries. My head hurts and I swear its the smell of food that's causing it. My house reeks of last nights dinner, I can't stand it for another second so I whip out the bleach and start to disinfect the kitchen and anywhere I can. I toast my daughter's bagel and slice her fruit, give her orange juice and she is all smiles..I give her a little one and wash my hands profusely to get the smell of food off them too. I hate the thoughts that tell me that the touching of food is bad, those are the worst ones, that compulsion that says, food and oils absorb in your skin and calories seep in. Even the thoughts that say water makes you gain. It's maddening and untrue. I have to take a deep breath and try to reset when I think this. I can't give in to the utter nonsense.

I don't think it's sadness what I feel, or maybe it is. I feel very small today.
I utterly ashamed because of my Eating Disorder. I want to keep losing more weight. God help me I do.
I feel like such an awful human being because of it. I feel so judged and misunderstood, I don't want to have these feelings but I do. No matter how good things seem to be getting everywhere else, the ED is insatiable. I'm so tired of never being satisfied, I think I've forgotten what that even feels like?

Will I ever be rid of it?
 How much longer can I put myself through this, why can I withstand so much abuse?
Feels like my whole life has been about abuse or being abused. Maybe that's the norm for me, maybe I hope for too much, try to go against the current. I should just accept who I truly am. I don't know what it will take for me to stop wanting more, stop chasing and just be still in the moment.

If I keep losing more weight I will eventually start losing people in my life, sometimes I think it's better that way. What I'm doing to my body is a slow suicide, why should anyone bother loving a dying thing?
Today is going to be a long and very challenging day for me. I want to be positive I do, but I have a lot going through my head, so many conflicting things. Overall I feel ashamed, I do. I want to keep losing weight even though that's bad. I feel like I'm letting so many people down including myself. I'll just sort through all of my feelings today one by one. Deal with today's feelings and not think so much ahead. I have to start learning to deal with things properly..
Yes today is going to be tough, but I'm fucking tougher.

2 comments:

Peridot (G+P) said...

Omfg I had the longest comment EVER and the faulty cable ate it!

/cry

Reconstruction attempt:

This doco my fave channel uploaded may be of help, especially part 2:
Kate Thornton Anorexic My Secret Past

YES you CAN beat it. It can take a long time, it is a lot of hard work and is entirely dependent on whether or not YOU really WANT to get rid of it.

Sure, hard truth instead of pretty lies, but my point is:
YOU. CAN. BEAT. IT.
IT CAN BE DEFEATED.

Once you work out why you want to die, you can start finding reasons not to.

You do NOT deserve a short life full of pain and abuse and suffering. You were made for Awesomeness and Happyness.

(Big words coming from the chick who is only not-suicidal because of prescription drugs.)

I personally do NOT believe that Gods punish mortals for no reason. I believe that we get tested to make us stronger. We get shit thrown at us to make us STRONGER and more BADASS and so we can recognise the good times when they come, instead of floating through in a haze of ignorance.

YOU ARE A MILLION TIMES TOUGHER THAN THIS SHIT. It's only real weapon against you is your mind. Win your self-ness back from it and the rest will be the breaking of ingrained habits.

Repeat after me: My name is Lou and I'm a BADASS LIONESS who is TOUGHER than DIAMONDS.

(Did that help at all?)

All my love and hugs to you from across the Pacific,

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Mich said...

You are effing tougher, and you can beat this. The disordered thoughts may never go away entirely, but we can still rise above them. We can still metaphorically give them the finger and LIVE our lives without destroying ourselves with a never-ending quest for weight loss. You deserve to b loved, and you deserve the keep the important people in your life. You deserve to watch your little girl grow up and maybe one day get married and have children of her own--the ED would certainly take that away from you, but you CAN FIGHT IT.

Like Peri said--you are a lioness. You are fierce and beautiful and clever, and you can overcome this. One step at a time. <3

xoxoxo