Thursday, January 12, 2012

At a snail's pace

I got a book in the mail today..

I'm not exactly into the whole Recovery bit, but I don't mind seeing how the other half lives.
I got it off this Website, they are an Eating Disorder site with links and things for those interested in recovery.

This was in the book's very first page, I'll share.

Do You have an Eating Disorder?

  • Constantly think about your food, weight, or body image?
  • Have difficulty concentrating because of those thoughts?
  • Worry about what your last meal is doing to your body?
  • Experience guilt or shame around eating?
  • Count calories whenever you eat or drink?
  • Feel "out of control" when it comes to food?
  • Binge eat twice a week or more?
  • Still feel fat when others tell you that you are thin?
  • Obsess that your stomach,hips,thighs, or buttocks are too big?
  • Weigh yourself several times daily?
  • Exercise more than an hour every day to burn calories?
  • Exercise to lose weight even if you are ill or injured?
  • Label foods as "good" or "bad"?
  • Vomit after eating?
  • Use laxatives or diuretics to keep your weight down?
  • Severely limit your food intake?

It's like looking into a mirror lol.
Today makes 10 whole days since I've last b/p.
I haven't eaten anything today, I've just been drinking loads of water.
Not purging has left me with an abundance of stomach acid and bile buildup which I can now taste. I'm nauseous and have a huge migraine.
You're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't purge.
I've been in bed all day, my husband sound asleep next to me.
I feel so depressed.

My house reeks. I think it's contributing to the headache.
My house smells like my mother's bedroom after a month long alcohol binge.
What does that smell like?
Imagine a room full of empty or half opened beer cans, liquor bottles, miniatures. Imagine someone who wakes up drunk and falls asleep the same way being locked in that room only coming out to get more booze or to annoy me or my sister, bathroom breaks (sometimes) seldom eats-maybe a cup of noodles and doesn't finish it.
My house smells like that. My husband drinks everyday, his skin smells of it, his clothes and breath. I'm sick to death of this smell. I grew up with an alcoholic, I can't wait till he moves out and takes his liquor with him.
I don't want to have an alcoholic in my life ever again.

I could lay in bed and keep feeling miserable or I could get up and do something.

I do something.

I take my Wellbutrin today for starters. I take what supps I have left.
Ugh I look horrible. I need to do my hair, it's time again.
I shower and head out for the day. My husband works all weekend long and that makes me happy. I'm going to disinfect my house and get that drunkard smell out, then work on me.
Fuck you depression, you're not gonna get me this time.
I got to speak to my sister and she's happy to hear me more upbeat and to know my husband is nowhere in sight.
She's happy if I'm happy.
Why do I get this reaction from a lot of people I know?
In Publix and I'm circling the aisles wondering what to make for dinner?
I have no idea what to buy, I circle the same departments over and over, from an outsiders point of view, you'd think I was shoplifting or something.
Finally I just go with stir fry veggies and lomein noodles.
Strawberries are back in season here, my daughter will be so excited. Strawberries are her favorite fruit to eat.
At the checkout line and my favorite cashier is here.
Her name is Lisa and she's very bubbly. She has the ability to make you smile by just smiling herself. So I found myself smiling in the 10 items or less line.
"Where you been girl, I haven't seen you here anymore, shopping somewhere else?"
Heavy sigh.
No I've been busy these days.
The truth is I haven't been binging, so I haven't been here every morning as per my routine. Dropping my daughter off at school and heading over to the market to rack up on things to b/p on, making chit chat with Lisa here while I secretly wished she would hurry up and ring everything up so I could leave and the fun could start.
10 days later no Bulimia in sight and I run into her again.
She holds up the line by talking to me about her weight loss resolution. She says she wants to drop 30lbs this year. Of course she asks me for tips. I hate giving out tips, so I give her the healthy ones that everyone should do anyways.
She's grateful and said she hopes to look like me, I actually laughed out loud with that and tell her,
NO you don't wanna look like me, trust me it's a mess under these clothes.
She laughs and shakes her head.
On my way out walking down the shady sidewalk towards my car I spot a snail on the ground. The poor thing, I actually pick it up and move it out of harm's way, I know the snail is probably cussing me under it's breath seeing as I have no idea which direction it was headed, maybe it took him all day and I just set him back to the starting point, but at least I bought him a few hours without being stepped on..
I know, I save little animals, and help out the elderly, I like to donate things and like to help out whenever I can. I'm always putting others first and myself last.

When I'm all done with errands my husband is dressed and out the door.
I have the house all to myself.
I'm really dizzy today as I drive to get my daughter from school, she got Green today and Green is good!
She's happy about the dinner and the fruit.
I'm not hungry, I've been nursing a bottle of juice, I don't even want it.
I'm going to try to workout today.
I had a thought earlier, I'm sure it makes no sense at all, but this is how I actually feel right now,
I have so much going on in my head, and things that I have to do and things that are about to happen, I actually think that food and eating are not as important to me right now.
That's crazy right?


Peridot (G+P) said...

We're all crazy here!

And yes: I'm happy if you're happy :)

I actually found something for the ExHubby today when i was eyeing up some HK swag for you. It's a typical Kiwi thing- a can cooler. An insulated doodacky that stops the heat of your hand warming up your beer. (We tend to nurse a few stubbies over the course of a night if we're not drinking to get drunk, and they warm up fast in summer) Can be used for fizzy drink too.
Lol, get him a 6pack of lemonade cans when I can get it posted. (I'll even label it 'Mr. ExHubby' to make my point that he's making you both miserable and should GTFO)

Wow that snail is pretty! I love the black bordering and the lovely rich brown. You did good keeping it from becoming a squished mess!

When I can finally work out how to answer Mich's questions you'll get a bit more of an insight, I promise! Hmmm, I should name you in the next round. What to ask, what to ask? *Ponders*

I hope you have a good friday!