Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I'm sorry

I can't see my collarbones, my ribs and hipbones are non existent.
My hips stick out and my butt feels bigger.

I'm fat.

Today my car got fixed.
My window can now go down, the blown motor was changed.
My mechanic found me four rims for my car but I can't afford them. They are $350.00
He also said my front speaker was done, he has two new speakers he'll give me tomorrow, maybe he can install it this weekend.
Today has been okay with my husband, he's been in a great mood.
We're actually talking more and more about the future.
I think us not living together is the best decision I've ever made. I will be able to finally forgive him for everything and find closure within myself this way.
He and I share a child together and that means we have to deal with each other for the rest of her life. We have to get along for her sake. We have no real reason to hate one another at all.
I wish him all the best in his new life, and I know he wishes me the same.

After the car repair we headed to the video store.
We were at my sister in law's video store when all of a sudden who should walk in but none other than Udonis Haslem a Miami Heat basketball player. He was very stuck up and didn't want autographs or pictures. My husband was very star struck and it actually broke his heart that one of his favorite players was acting this way. I wasn't surprised at all.
Sometimes these people just don't want to be bothered.

The video store trip was fun despite this.
My sister in law who's also a stoner and Bulimic was very friendly as usual.
We spend twenty dollars which buys you four DVDs but she always sends us out with 15 movies..
For Christmas we gave her a gift card from the Olive Garden, she was happy.
I think I'm gonna give her a nickel bag soon, I'm sure she would love that.
She's very sweet.

So the rest of the day I've been cooking and watching movies galore.
I made a chicken pot pie. I actually ate some of this in a very small bowl. Yes I felt guilty afterwards and had a meltdown. I can't enjoy anything without being riddled with guilt..

I'm currently watching Dream House with Daniel Craig, I like it very much.

I worked out today, my knee didn't give me any hassles. No kidney pains today.
I didn't get my appointment letter in the mail today, I'm still waiting. Please God let it come already.

Everything else in my life is getting better but not my ED.
My ED is driving me nuts.
I tried to be social but I just can't yet.
Too many triggering people today.
So day 29 and I'm still okay.
Sort of.

My ED wants me to go ape shit and do all these behaviors to lose all the weight I've gained.
I don't know how much longer I can go on.

I'll say this now that I'm in that point in my life where I kinda see things clearer.

Do I want to look like this?

Hell Fuck No!
God that is so unhealthy on so many levels, no one should allow themselves to be comfortable at that weight. You're doing tremendous damage to your body.
You can't possibly be happy with yourself at this weight, I don't care how confident you are. This is becoming the norm here in the states and I absolutely hate it. No wonder anyone who doesn't look like this is dubbed Anorexic.

Do I want to look like this?

I don't want to look like this either.
Why would anyone want to look like they are dying?

I have a child, a daughter no less, it would break my heart if I saw her doing this to herself. I know all I put myself through to look like that, I would never wish that on another person.
No in all honesty I don't want to look like that.
There are times when this stupid ED demands this, but I can't.
I have to show my kid differently, I can't look like that.

So yes I'm sorry for my next statement, but right now if you weigh less than 100lbs, I just can't talk to you.
I can't do it.
I won't compete with you and I don't want to hear about your hassles, you have
no idea how triggering you are to me right now.

I know I have more sense than this, and even though I hate the shit outta my body right now, it's for the best.

At this point in my life, I can't go backwards.
If I don't want this thing to kill me then I have to disassociate myself away from all that bullshit.
I wish you all the best, but right now I can't be there to support any more weight loss.

So now what Lou, you're a confusing bunch?
Do you wanna weigh 80lbs again like you did before you got knocked up or what?
When I was that low in my weight, I had people telling me to eat and asking me if I was on Meth or crack, did I have Aids?
I had my husband shaking me awake every night just to make sure I was still alive. I felt like shit all the time. I liked the way I looked but no one else did.
I was the definition of selfish.

No. I don't want to look like that picture.
The sick ED in me says yeah, get it all off! SKINNY c'mon lose all the weight keep going, you're doing good.
The me, the person with more sense than that says NO.
Who can possibly find a bony woman attractive?
Who wants to be weak all the time and starving.
You're not strong, you're an idiot.
I'm gonna try to make a break for it, flee ED as much as I can.
Yes I'll have bad days and triggering days but I'm gonna try my hardest to fight it and keep pushing forward.
Please God help me fight this.
I want to love my body and myself.
I want a chance.
I don't want my daughter to ever suffer with this affliction.

I'm tired of my hair falling out, of being cold all the time. I'm tired of not being able to be really close to anyone because I'm so scared of letting anyone see my body. I'm tired of letting this dictate how my day will go or how I feel.
I'm so miserable.

I feel like I want to cry because there are so many people I love who are sick and suffering, but I just don't know what to say to you, you don't want help, you want to keep getting sicker. I listen and support you trying to get better and be a decent weight that isn't skeletal but then you turn it all around and it becomes this thing where deep down inside I just think you want attention and someone to sit in the Peanut Gallery, a witness to your performance.

I saw my father die of Cancer.
He went from being perfectly healthy to looking like an emaciated Anorexic.
He suffered, he was hungry and couldn't eat, hold food down. Couldn't walk. I saw what sickness is.
I watched him wither away and die, I don't want anyone to watch me die.
I don't want anyone to be affected by my illness. I still have a choice to not alllow myself to get worse.
I don't want anyone to see me get worse.
Least of all my daughter.
I need to fight this.
I will try.

Please forgive me.
I'm not saying my shit doesn't stink.
I'm just saying don't make it harder for me.

No worries I'm not ditching Blogger, I'll still be here, but you'll just hear me bitch and complain about trying to fight this.
I hope you all stick around and maybe try to have bouts in your life where you fight this illness too.

So that's it.
Back to the movie.
I love you all and thanks for hearing all my nonsense.


mhairi! said...

I really hope you win this fight. Your fire in this confusion, that is more powerful than any of it and I hope you can hold on to that when things seem cold.

This should show you that you have strength.

Take care x

Peridot (G+P) said...

Thank you for your epic comments, you are wonderful, you know that?

Yay fixed car! :D *Does happy dance*

I feel sorry for celebrities in other countries. They get mobbed everywhere they go and have people with cameras stalking them all the time. Who'd want fame under those conditions?

Omg you made that? It looks amazing! You must be the Masterchef of Miami. Seriously l337 cooking skills going on at your place. Can I have lessons? 0.0

If you have to, avoid the triggering people until you're on steadier ground. They should understand, if they're good mates. Recovery is an ass and takes time, but it's so worth it when you're free of Ed's assholery.

You'll never be that fat! You don't have the build for it. Yes, disordered eating fucks up your metabolism and you will retain water and have digestion issues while your body gets used to having food go though it again, but it DOES pass.

You can beat Ed, one day at a time. Every single non-disordered mouthful is a fucking MASSIVE victory and you deserve a medal for each one.

Lol, I guess I'm safe coz I'm never going to weigh under 100lbs. My SKELETON probably weighs that! I prefer fitspo to the emaciated, photoshopped crap that passes for inspiration in the sicker circles. Funnily enough those pics make me want to not let my disordered eating get out of hand. Fucking being weak and being forced to be dependant on others. I fought too long for my independence to give it up to ANYTHING.

Have you been to They have a pretty shiny looking recovery section. Think about the reasons why you are fighting Ed, why you want to be healthy, and he'll have a lesser hold on you.

I love you so much and I will be here for as long as you can stand to have me around. You can beat this thing, you're tougher than it will ever be.


Anonymous said...

You're doing so great!
yes eating again is tricky and it will drive you nuts because your weight will be inaacurate but you're not fat that's ed bullshit.
Avoid things that do you harm and trigger you. I agree with Peridot, if they are your true friends and care about your well being they will stick around, if not oh well get a new set of friends.
I love seeing the things you cook and bake on your blog posts, they are very sexy food porn images XD!!
Obesity and Emaciation are never good, you have to find a healthy medium that you can live with, I know you can do it.
I'm glad you're trying your best and putting your health and well being first too.
Good Luck Lou you're so inspirational :)