Thursday, January 5, 2012

Grocery Daze

I woke up at 107.4lbs and couldn't be happier. Two days of no b/p and not eating have budged my weight.
There was an actual freeze warning here last night for Miami, in effect from 1am-9am, the weather is erratic and headed to the 30's and 40's.
I drank last night and had a weird talk with Happy Tuesday. We were both trying to pump information out of each other, he told me that he cared about me immensely. I was trying to coax the words "I love you" outta him but he held back. He was trying to get me to say it, it was a funny conversation. I don't love him, but I do care about him, he's my best friend and I enjoy his company when I can get it. He's not boyfriend material though, he did tell me that we are not fuck buddies, that I am worth more than that. That he wants us to be more than that, he misses me etc..
Ugh I honestly don't know what I feel for him, I'm trying my best not to get attached at all. I don't want to get hurt. He still lives with his ex/Ewok/roomie/fat mess and that's complicated enough. I know technically I'm still married myself and in the process of separating for good and moving on with my life, I'm pretty vulnerable right now.
I have no idea what love is anymore?
What does it feel like, I can't remember?
How can you tell what lust is from love?
So this morning I wake up and it's freezing outside, I get my daughter ready for school and my husband decides to drop her off for me. I'm grateful.
I bring the portable heater next to me on the nightstand and get some more sleep.
My husband comes back home and jumps in my bed to sleep. I hear him dialing on his cell phone, he's calling work and saying he's sick.
Today is Grocery Day, he wants to stay home because he's cold and hungover. There is a basketball game on later today that he would love to watch and eat a hot good meal.
Success for him and I see he smiles and goes back to sleep next to me.
My cats suffocate me, one on my chest and one sleeping on my short hair, they are cold and I don't mind.
I wake up and chat with one of my dearest friends. She has just been released from IP and is having a hard time again stopping the b/p cycle. I feel sorry for her.
I've made it clear to her that I don't condone her losing anymore weight. I love her very much and wish her happiness and health. She is such a good person but the ED has robbed her of everything.
She's trying and that's what matters. I hope she can eat and not purge, no longer go on fasts or take diet pills, try her best to not lose weight because she is already so skinny and emaciated looking.
She needs to be healthy for her 3 babies and her loving husband. I believe in her recovery, I think she stands a chance.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so triggering to her, I don't mean to be, but I'm not sure what I want. I want to be skinny but not sick looking. I'd love to be fit, oh how I love FITSPO

it's hard for me to actually get to that point because, well to be fit means eating healthier and I just don't know how to do that.
I can't remember when is the last time I actually sat down and willing ate a whole meal?
 How can you be fit and not eat? that's just not possible, your body needs things to build muscle, you need to eat.

So it's after noon and I wake up and layer my clothing because it's 40 degrees out, I start with pantyhose then jeans, then two shirts a vest and later a jacket lol..

My hubby wakes up and we get our kid from school and head off to Walmart. He is hungover and has a pissy face which just sours my mood because now I have to be careful what I say to avoid an argument. I hate that I have to walk on eggshells around someone, I'm tired of living this way.
Grocery Day is tiring and long, I have no idea what to buy but manage. We're there practically all day and everything is taking longer because it's crowded and I'm slower than usual on account of my knee and cane. The temperature drops as we're shopping.
My husband is antsy and wants to get home already, he is worried about missing the Miami Heat basketball game and he wants to workout, but before those two things he needs his whiskey.
At home and finally all the groceries have been lugged up three flights of stairs and I've put them all away. I make hot chocolate and fry chicken wings for the family. I can't stand the smell of chicken as it cooks and this deters me in any eating, so I survived another day on nothing but liquids. No food, and more importantly no b/p!

The game is on and my kid is finally in bed, my husband is drunk at this point and is giving me looks. When the game is over he starts talking about going on a Disney Cruise with his tax return, that we should all go. This makes me mad because he keeps making assumptions that we're going to be together, it's like he is playing dumb.
I check my emails then twitter and I'm in shock and appalled of what I find.
The EWOK has done it again. Remember I was a hot nurse and took a pic, well our furry friend had a monkey see monkey do moment. In my post "Abnormal Activity" I refer to this..anyways the cunt did it again OMG!
Lookey here:
Lou being Fabulous!

Now the Ewok:
Epic Fail!

 LOl yeah I doodled on her big face, to protect her identity.. (*tries not to laugh*)

My Husband is real drunk now and starts talking shit and actually grabs my cuca (vagina) and of course this is way outta line, so the fighting starts and doesn't end for two hours. I actually bite his nose, he just made me so mad!
He looked pissed and was trying his best to not go upside my head.
Then he's crying yada yada I get the knife and I'm literally backed into a corner telling him if he comes near me I'll drive this into his stomach or my neck. Yeah I went there, he listened to all I had to say and then agreed for the bazillionth time that we were through and splitting up for good this month. The knife was much but it's the only way he could be quiet and listen to what I had to say, because everytime I would say anything he would counteract with what he wanted MEMEMEMEMEMEEME!!!
Ugh Shut Up!
I'm so tired today and its 50 degrees now. My knee hurts.
My house is full of food and I'm not hungry but dizzy. I bought more shake mix and that's what I'll have if I hungry. Working out today and trying new exercises, I'm so excited can't wait for fitness. I'm sorry this post is so long, hey at least I'm blogging more right?
Love you all, please someone send Prince Charming over here to fetch me already and take me away from all this madness.


Does It Even Matter said...

Congrats on your success over the past 48 hours!! U rocked it girl!! Very inspiring!!

You need to get away from your husband. i don;t comment much but i always read your posts and I fear for your life with him. I hope u know how beautiful and awesome you are and that you DO NO deserve how he treats you. I hope one day you and your family can get away from him for good.

Stay strong hunni.


Peridot (G+P) said...

That situation is not healthy for either of you. *Hugs* I wish there was a way to get out of it quick before you're dead and he's a permanent alkie!

Is there a way to keep him outta your bed? Like investing in two separate beds or someone sleeps on the couch? Even if you're married in name only it still gives him the wrong idea if you're still sleeping in the same place.

FUCKING MALES. Ugh. Do the authorities in charge of housing arrangements even know how bad things have gotten? Do you have a way of secretly filming a typical night and giving it to them on USB?

Lol @ the Ewok. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery XD

Love you, stay safe ok?


Anonymous said...

I thought of you. I would love to hear your thoughts.