Sunday, January 29, 2012

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

I'm in a very bad mood.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going on in this same manner.
My ED is getting the best of me.
I find myself thinking all kinds of irrational things.

My ED says it's time to go solo.
Ignore everyone for good, no more friendly emails and Instant messages, just say fuck it and fuck you to everyone I know.
I'm tired of competitions and fake "friends."
I'm getting fed up hearing everyone Else's bullshit.

I ate today, it felt like a binge but I'm sure it's the equivalent of a normal person's average caloric count.
I feel like a fat pig.
I hate gaining weight yet here I am doing it.
I don't like this tug of war that's going on right now.

The problem with disappearing is that all of a sudden there are too many questions and explanations that I have no answers to.
Why can't I be selfish and just take a break away from everyone?

I feel so sad.
I'm starting to worry now.
I will be living alone very soon and still have no job.
How will I pay my rent?
How will I provide for my kid, she will solely depend on me for everything.
I feel like I'm going to ruin everything, I feel like I'm going to fail.
Maybe I do need a third party to care for me, my mental state is not at a hundred percent.

When my husband and I first split I was heartbroken, lost and incredibly depressed.
I lost 20lbs in the first two months of living alone immediately because I never ate.
All I did was drink myself into a stupor to not feel the pain of truly being alone.
I felt hopeless.
I had no direction and my depression put me in a foul place where I preferred to be alone.
I abused medication and drank Brandy every night.
I found myself in situations and became this shell of my former self.
I was a mess and got taken advantage of on numerous occasions.

My fear is that this will happen all over again.
There is a dual side to this.
My ED is what is making me think about the failure part.
It would have me believe that I will lose it all again because I am weak.

Then there's that part of me that says so what.
So what if you fail..
What does that mean anyways, people fail all the time and yet they go on, you have before and you can again.
If you fail, oh well.
What are you trying to prove?
Who exactly are you trying to do anything for?

I am so mindful of others people feelings.
I'm constantly protecting others, trying my best to be polite and not offend anyone.
No one does that for me.
They offend me, trigger me, leave me hanging or set me up for things I should know better.
Why can't I just do the same, why does it feel so impossible?
I want to be mean too sometimes, I want to hurt people back in the same manner they've done to me.
Why can't I just grow a pair and do the same?

Day 26 and I feel like I just want to give up.
I hate this negativity.
I hate ED.
I wish I was like everyone else sometimes, perfectly boring and having mediocre problems, I'm tired of my problems.
I feel like a constant complainer.

My husband came home a little while ago asking me what's wrong.
I didn't say anything, nothings wrong.
I feel like a fool for saying how I really feel.
How am I supposed to say I'm sad because I've gained weight, or that I'm scared to make it on my own, can I?
I feel like I'm not reaching my potential, I feel like I'm scared of people, and being out in the open.
I feel selfish and unworthy.
No I can't say any of these things to anyone, because normal people don't think like this.
I wish I could just accept things and make the most of anything.
Sometimes I do, but the majority of times I'm scared to allow myself to.
I don't want to conform, I want more than what I've been given.

I just want a break.
I want to go away for awhile and just get all of this out.
I feel so selfish.
I want out. I want quiet.
I need space.
I feel too crowded now.
Too many people asking me too many personal things.
I need privacy.

I need a minute.

I've been reading "Mrs Dalloway" again, not too mention "The Hours."
I adore Virginia Woolf, I feel as though if I were from another Era I would be her.
It feels refreshing to see you own thoughts regurgitated by another and in print no less..she was a visionary and misunderstood because of her illness.

Virginia Woolf (January 25, 1882 – March 28, 1941) is one of the foremost modernist literary figures of the twentieth century in my opinion. Though she is commonly regarded by many as a feminist, she herself deplored the term, as she felt it suggested an obsession with women and womens' concerns. She preferred to be referred to as a "humanist".

At the end of 1940, Woolf suffered another severe bout of depression, from which she felt she was unable to recover, partly due to the onset of World War II. On March 28, 1941, at the age of 59, Woolf filled her pockets with stones and drowned herself in the River Ouse, near her home in Rodmell. She left two suicide notes; one for her sister Vanessa, the other for her husband, Leonard.

I will leave you with Virginia Woolf's suicide note to her husband, I found this to be incredibly romantic..

 I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer.

I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.


I wish I was that brave.
I don't think there are stones heavy enough to hold me down.


Peridot (G+P) said...

Ed's trying to fuck you over. He know's your far stronger than him, and is using your own self against you.

You know how I know you're strong? Coz you've survived this far. You are tough, don't ever let that bastard tell you otherwise.

Sometimes you do need to tell the world "go get fucked, I'm going to sit here and ignore the phone and watch a movie", but do so for the benefit of your sanity, not it's detriment.

Don't worry about offending me! You have your opinions on subjects and I have mine and they're allowed to be entirely different. Setting out to be deliberately offensive and offending accidentally are two different things. The first is just plain assholery, and the second is something that happens normally and can be sorted out easily :)

I'm trying to avoid talking about my disordered habits on my blog without posting a trigger warning first, but I don't know what sets different people off :/ What kind of stuff do you want me to put a warning over so you don't have to read it if you don't want to?

Ed is being a douche and layering on the negatives coz the longer you go without resorting to his behaviours and the more new and better ones you learn in their place means he's losing you. (You getting gout of Ed's clutches is a good thing for you, not so much for the Ed coz that brain-parasite loses a host.)

When life gets too much you can come here and complain as much as you damn well please. It's YOUR blog and YOU decide what you need to write in it and if you need to get things off you chest here with people who understand then DO IT. Sometimes you just need to get things out.

Fuck normal people. They aren't even aware that they have potential that they aren't reaching! Fuck being like everybody else. If everyone was the same the world would be one incredibly boring place. Be you, coz you're the only person who is allowed to be you.

Everybody needs to be selfish at times. A little selfishness here and there is healthy. A way of asserting that you ARE here and that you DO HAVE VALUE and YOU DESERVE whatever the hell it is that you are being selfish with. Whether it's a half-hour bubble bath, a snuggly pair of socks or the last black jellybean. If you need some Lou-Time, take it. Just come back in one piece, ok?

I'm terrified of writing one of those notes to Miles some day soon. I just don't see any way out of this any more.

A quote I found on Tumblr that I want to get tattooed one day is:
"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."-Juliette Lewis
Saddest thing is that people who haven't felt this way will never understand how brave you are, for continuing when you want to end. There is hope, there is light, there are better things. It's a long plod to them, but the important thing is to never stop until you get there.

Oh my gods, that hat pattern directory will be the death of my stash! :D You beautiful, wicked, wonderful woman, you! (Seriously, I need to stash bust. It fills a suitcase, the box for my stilts, a chair, three baskets and an ecobag. If I don't shrink it soon I'm screwed!)

Lots of love and hugs to you. You are worth all the good things in the world.


Anonymous said...

Everybody thinks and feels like this, even the 'normal' people. And you know what, there's nothing wrong with failing! When you fail, you learn how not to do it, and do better next time. That's life. The only thing you cannot do is stop trying and give up. When you have a kid to care for, that's not even an option. You have to keep going and keep fighting for her. Screw everybody else, it's just you and your daughter that counts. If you can't think of your own happiness right now, think of hers and try your best to be strong. You love her very much, fight for her! Good luck, you will make it!

Anonymous said...

I've been following your story since you've first started blogging, I've never commented because I've just been too chicken lol.
You've come a very long way Lou, I've read your words and watched you fight your ED and grow as a person and mother.
I don't know you personally but I admire you very much. I think you are so brave, your best quality is that you keep going and stay being sweet despite how others treat you. You don't give up you just have bad days as most of us do.
I think time away from things that hurt you is important. You DO that.
Get back to writing your novel, stay in bed with books, keep packing to move to the next place, do anything that helps.
People love you and if they can't understand that you need a break to feel better, well if they can't wait for you do to so then maybe they don't deserve to be in your life. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and I hope you keep fighting because your life is worth it and so are you.
I believe in you. You are my hero.
Take care.