Monday, January 9, 2012

Confession Time

It's 4:45am and I still haven't been to bed, I just took a Buspar and chased it with a swig of Gatorade.
Sunday made 6days no b/p and that is a great thing. I didn not eat though, not really. Only allowed myself 5 Saltine crackers.
I felt dizzy and was in bed for the most part. Vlogged early and didn't even workout. 106.4lbs today.
Happy Tuesday comes online while I'm in bed having an anxiety attack. He is unaware of the drama on my end and I don't tell him. His curiosity is peaked as he hears another mention of my Twitter Nemesis lol.
So being his usual nosy self, he heads on over to Twitter and reads all my nonsense, even scolding me for jokes that I've made. He keeps insisting to know who is my tormentor and heads over to my Blog confirming what he already knew. My Blog is two years old and ALOT has been said on here, nothing hurtful towards anyone other than myself I'm afraid. In all this time he's never read my Blog (hmm some friend *raises eyebrow*) A few rants on my End that have been happening lately concerning he and I and his roommate makes three.
Men so blind.
Of course I would rant, and say mean things at the time that I am mad, that's what my Blog is for, it's my way to express what I feel, a way to cope with emotions instead of turning to self inflicting behaviors.
I know both my Twitter and Blogger accounts are not private and my words are out there for all to read,I'm just a Google search away, but still I can't help but feel violated. I felt attacked and had to defend numerous posts and things I've written at the time I was mad or feeling something.
I owe him an apology, I am sorry. I am also sorry for being so childish and belittling his roommate who I don't even know yet somehow she hates me, I have no ill content towards the girl, I can't hate on someone I don't know.
But yes it's out there in cyberland for all to read, and have read and no I can't take it all back.

Now what comes next?
Happy Tuesday was obviously mad and hurt although he won't admit to that, I've said hurtful things at times where he for some reason or another has pissed me off.
He took little stabs at me tonight and maybe I deserve it, I don't know.
He says its water under the bridge now and maybe we shouldn't sleep together anymore, he still wants to be my friend but won't be so open with me anymore.
That part hurt, the broken trust, Seeing as I'm such a believer on Trust and here I've now broken it myself.
He had to go and now I don't know what comes tomorrow.

Monday will officially make 1 complete week free from Bulimia. This is big for me.

This is a New Year and you know something I'm ready to start living in every aspect of my life, so one of my goals is to not be so scared anymore.
So here goes.
eh em..

Men are clueless lol..
Oh boy.
If this best friend of mine would come to realize, the only reason why a woman would overreact and behave so foolishly all of a sudden is because something has changed.
So while I am a little bit uncertain, I think I'll just go ahead and say the next statement and see where it takes me..
I am in love with my best friend Happy Tuesday (I think lol..)
Well it has to be that right?
God I suck at this, I don't know it's been such a long time.
What do you call thinking about someone else constantly and wanting their happiness above all. Wishing you could be with them all the time and fantasizing about things down the line?
Missing them like crazy and living off old memories till the next time you can see them and be near them again. Feeling complete just by talking to them.
Other than crazy I don't know what that could mean.

Yes I know I've said he's not boyfriend material, I only say that because I'm not shit either. Let's face it I still have that shackle on my ankle and even though tomorrow we go file taxes and it looks like all systems are go and hubby is adios, we still have the awkward roommate situation to deal with.
I have nothing against the girl but let's face it she hates my guts, I can't even be friends with the guy. He says they are no longer together and that's fine, I don't question that at all, but I think jealousy is getting to be too big for it's britches here.
The ugly monster is doing a number on old Lou here.
I guess both our lives are very complicated and we've always had bad timing.
I'm sorry to say but I can no longer be in his life. I'm very confused right now and I think this thing is getting way outta hand.
I'm really vulnerable right now and I don't wanna get hurt.
So as much as it breaks my heart to not have this wonderful person in my life I think I have to bow out gracefully and wish him a very happy blessed life which I know for certain is right there for him.
How I wish things were different or that he even felt like that for me.

So if you're reading this once again I'm sorry for everything. You're a great man and I love you dearly as a friend and more.
I know I'm taking the coward's way out right now and you all are probably saying-but you said no fear; well guess what I never said that ha!
I said I wasn't going to be so scared anymore.
I'm no longer scared to admit how I feel and am currently feeling.
What I'm currently feeling is stupid, embarrassed and small and if I had a shell I would go in it, but me doesn't have one.
Besides this thing just got so big and awkward now I don't know how a friendship can be mended with all this broken trust. Can I even be your friend with all that I feel, can you say unrequited??
Ugh Women, don't you wish you had a guy best friend, this wouldn't be happening.
Dam hormones and I thought ED was my only problem.

So I've now made my tweets private to make sure no unwanted spam enters my inbox. I don't know about Facebook he (you if you're reading Mr. Nosy who Idk whether to strangle or kiss sometimes @#!!) can delete me if you want same with Messenger. I can't bring myself to do it, you can have that honor, the ball's in my court but hey heads up *throws ball*
I don't feel like a friend right now, not one that's good anyhow.
Don't worry about this old girl, I have the good Lord watching over me, and that's not too shabby. I'll be okay, I always am.
You take care of yourself Happy Tuesday.
Thank you for being my friend, it meant the world to me and I will never forget it or you.
Te Quiero Papi..

So I think that's it.
Almost 6am, think I'll workout and go shower now. Lots to do Monday, I'll try to squeeze in a nap and a cry today.


Anonymous said...

Oh I'm so sorry honey.
Hmm looks like all that is real triggering for you, I hope you have a great day today and congrats on making it a whole week with no b/p.
You'll meet somebody else when the time is right, keep doin you rite now, sounds like a good plan.
Big (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Its ok :) ... Water under the bridge i said .. I want whats best for you so lets make it 2 weeks without the b'p ok ;) that should be your top priority ..yo te quiero tambien mami

Peridot (G+P) said...

You NEED to have a one-week party! Sometimes focusing on how long you've been free is triggering, sometimes its not. I don't know what it is for you, but at the start all small achievements are worth celebrating! (Coz early on, the 'small' ones are the BIG ones!)

Omg, males. 8Hugs* All I can say is I can't wait till you're free of the ball'n'chain! That is not a healthy situation for anyone!

Lol, yeah the ham lady IS a stupid bitch, the problem is that she's a regular. WHY won't she fuck off to Premium Nommage or Budget Noms and leave us alone?????

Only worry about freckles&moles becoming cancerous if they change colour or shape, become sore or start growing.

Following your advice: Today I'm going to dig out my crochet hooks. Tomorrow I'm going to buy postcards. Ooooh, should I steal Miles' camera and make a drunken roadtrip Vlog???

Love you, I hope you're havign a good day!