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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Blah

My daughter is feeling better.
The meds are helping and she should be able to return back to school Thursday.
My husband took another day off from work.
He's in a good mood today. He can't stop talking about my move.
He says he'll help me move and paint, fix up the apartment and help me find furniture.
He's all too eager to help.
My daughter is excited to move, it's all she talks about.
I've been purging things from my apartment that I can't take with me.
My kitchen appliances are all useless, they are all riddled with roaches, I can't even salvage the microwave.
The roaches have infested everything I own. I have to disinfect the things that I do keep. So far less is more and that's okay, it's just stuff and stuff is easily obtainable.
When I first moved to this apartment all I had was a mattress and a box or two of important keepsakes and photo albums.
Over the years I've come up again. So I know no matter what happens I always land on my feet again.
I've also read somewhere after any major breakup it's always good to have a total makeover. Get new stuff, a new look, and outlook.
I think I'll do this.
New things, new way of thinking and a new look.
I'm just waiting on my appointment from Housing to discuss my income so my rent amount can be determined.
Things seem to be going great.

My Eating Disorder is trying to take my happiness away.
My weight is all I can think about.
I've been eating more and trying to be okay with it, but it's hard.
Eating food is hard.
I keep telling myself it's okay to gain weight, it's okay to maintain.
You don't look bad, you're not obese.
I'm trying but I can't help but feel miserable after each thing I eat.
The more miserable I feel, the more I just want to get away from everyone I know. I just want to be alone.
What is that thing inside me that wants to keep dropping more and more weight?
When will it ever be enough?
I'm trying to restrict again, just eat what I can and no more.
Eating feels wrong to me, food makes no sense.
Nothing I eat is ever what I actually want anyways.

I'll keep trying, but I'm afraid my mood may sour with each passing day.
I don't want to isolate myself but maybe I should.

2 comments:

Kim said...

Try not to isolate, sweetheart, it always makes everything worse.

I hope the move will be a good thing for you!

Peridot (G+P) said...

Ooooh I'll save this package to send until you're at the new place so Ex-Hubby can't use it as an emotional blackmail tool, ok?

Ed is a bastard. There is no such thing as losing enough weight. You die before you ever see a low enough number on the scale to satisfy that twisted thing.

Every single mouthful is a triumph over him. If you can't work out what you want, go for something with a decent nutritional profile so your body gets what it needs. Or go for some soul food and nurture your innerself with it.

MASSIVE high-fives for the BurgerKing victory! That was simply amazing and you deserve some kind of medal for winning that skirmish!

Sending lots of love and hugs to you and Miss.B. I get hayfever every summer and the itching eyes are such a torture! They thought the first attack was jelly eye or something coz I'd rubbed them so hard my eyeballs swelled and started bugging out D: I hope they can give her the prick-test and work out what causes it. Maybe it was some kind of new pollen in the area or a new cleaning product in use at her school? They should be able to sort it out.

You being Calm in a Child Crisis when the ex was freaking shows that you're the more experienced and better parent. Nothing worse for an upset child than to see the parents freaking out too! (Coz you know adults are supposed to be calm and badass and have everything under control -.-;)

Take each day as it comes. If you don't feel like begin social on a given day, then don't. If you want to hang out with people, then do. You can't take a green horse over a steeplechase course, you have to rain and work up to it first. Same thing with trying to escape the head demons. Every battle won is a positive step towards sliding on over into permanent victory.

You're stronger than you think you are. You're a badass American Lioness who was Pure Win for blood.

Take care of yourself and don't do anything I wouldn't enjoy :p

*Hugs and love*