Thursday, April 19, 2012


Too sad today.
I've managed to only venture out the house today for my daughter.
I went for a walk with her yesterday and we had a chat, she had some knock knock jokes for me, faking smiles make your cheeks hurt after awhile.
She has a bully who messes with her everyday, it's a boy.
She tattles on him to her teacher and he gets Detention, I don't encourage her to hit him. She says she's been warned to not hit back anyways or she will get Detention too. I don't know what to tell her, this is a very sensitive subject. I've been putting two and two together since this admission to try and see how far back this has been going on..
Once she came home with spaghetti sauce all on her clothes, my ex was pissed and asked her if she had a hole in her mouth. I got it out of her, the bully threw food at her.
When I think about how bad it can actually get and how sweet my kid is it makes me mad and sad all at once. I can't fight this battle for her, there's only so much I can do on my part as a parent.
I've brought this up with her teacher, the bully's parents know and do nothing, the kid gets Detention everyday. He may even fail first grade and the parents may transfer him outta school.
I've been bullied before, my mother didn't help matters showing up intoxicated to get me from school, I was the kid with the alky for a parent.

I have a headache that won't go away. I've been in bed all day. The laxatives make me dizzy today, a vertigo I haven't felt in some time. I think my forehead even feels hot as do I for a change, usually I run cold, but today I feel like the house isn't cold enough for me, I may need to shower again soon.

I feel so odd today, am I getting sick?
Maybe I'm starting to break down finally after so much abuse this month, either way it's slowed me down today only allowing me to b/p 1x.
Sometimes the b/p help with headaches, I know that sounds so ass backwards but Ed likes to play tricks on me. In this instance the relief lasted only enough for me to walk to school and deal with school staff.
Back home and so is the headache with a vengeance.

My light gets paid tomorrow and that means I'm broke this week.
My daughter's school binder is stuffed with activities and things I have to calculate to afford. Field trips to the Aquarium, a Book Fair next week, a yearbook and of course school supplies which have run low.
It's been 4 times that she's asked me for a new book bag.
I wonder if she's aware of people who can afford things and those that can't.
Obviously we're the latter of the two.
I feel like a crummy parent, there's only so much I can give her, this whole failed job thing doesn't help matters. Everytime I think about the searching for work all over again I gets anxious, it's hard.
Maybe the stress is making me sick, hope my hair doesn't start falling out again.

When my kid came back from her Dad's she runs up to me very proud and says "Mommy look how thin I got!"
I look in horror, I'm not ready to go down this road with her.
I tell her she looks fine.
I shoot a confused look at my ex who proudly states she's "slimmed" down, he's been giving her nothing but water at his house, no junkfood and limiting her portions.
I don't want her to start worrying about her weight just yet.
I wish I didn't have an Ed or knew what a normal person would say to their child in such a case?
I've been aware of my looks since I was her age, my parents never let me forget, comparisons to thinner kids or prettier girls were usual topics of conversations, not to mention intelligence.
I can remember this disgust I had with myself then and still do most days.

 My cat seems to be okay, she's had accidents only in my room, the cat urine smell which still lingers somewhere I can't pin point is making my sinuses hurt.

I think I should try to workout, the endorphins always wake me up and I feel better.
 I actually kept some things down today. Half a shake and some fruit, dairy and even a piece of meat, not much if you were to actually put all these things on a plate, but picking at it here and there throughout the day is more tolerable than sitting down to a whole plate of food. I do feel heavy now and bloated, but the headache is not letting me panic or have thoughts of purging.
No lax tonight, letting my body rest from that and even alcohol.
I'll be in bed still if I don't workout, I've managed to get sleep today, daytime naps instead of actual nocturnal slumber, maybe I am a vampire after all..
This Saturday at my favorite Library is an event that I actually wanna attend..
"The Art of Storytelling International Festival."
Arts and Crafts, Children's authors, face painting, free goodies. Last years attendance was wonderful, my daughter and I learned to sign some, a Deaf Children's author proudly taught an overcrowded tent in the Library's courtyard, a lovely story about an Alligator..I hope I feel better enough to actually enjoy it again this year, my daughter is looking forward to going.

So back to bed I go, hope I'm not getting sick.