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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Empty

Have you ever woken up not Hungry?
I know at times I deny myself actual sustenance on purpose, but today is actually different.
I genuinely do not feel any Hunger pangs.

I wake up and weigh, my weight is down.
My period is on.
I can honestly admit that I look forward to my period.
I know what you all must think, this bitch is crazy!
My very personal selfish reason is simply this, I always lose weight when I menstruate.
I don't know why but I do..without fail, it makes me lose.
Yes right now I have mind numbing cramps, I feel like I've been shanked in a prison courtyard but it's only because I've been binging on laxatives practically since the month has started.
Today makes 5 days no b/p.
Does this make me happy, of course it does.
Not encouraging Bulimia is a wonderful feeling.
I haven't laxed since Sunday either.
I have been by all accounts and purposes, "good."

Today yes I do not have Hunger.
I was actually trying to conceive eating..something, anything?
I have not.
I kept thinking over and over what could be safe for me to have, but I kept drawing a blank.
No fruit or soups, anything enriched with the much needed Potassium or Protein..zippo.


Food is such a hassle.
I either binge on a food that would feed a small family of four or I don't eat at all.
I never stop thinking about food.
I sometimes think back at things I've allowed myself to eat the so called "safe foods" and wonder what has changed so much that I can no longer indulge in those.
What happened?

Food has become this thing, a huge burden.
It controls my every whim, weight and losing have replaced most joys I have nowadays.
I have no idea where I went wrong in my life?
What has led to to this, a person who starves themselves.
One day I will die.

The thrill of losing weight is a high I can't explain, it makes me feel accomplished. I know emaciation is frowned upon and it doesn't look good, but my God why do I strive for it?
I'm ashamed to admit having my bones protrude make me feel like more of a person, does that even make sense?
Part of me knows not everyone can lose weight and quickly no less, so when I do, it feels like I'm winning when the hard reality is I'm not.
I'm losing, myself, my health, the people around me.

This is a rare day, I do not want food and the sensible part of me is fighting against that feeling.
The sick Ed part of me should be reveling in it, enjoying and encourage it.
It should tell me right now "good, you're finally doing something right."
I don't feel like that, this is an uneasy feeling today. I feel like it's wrong.

I hope to love myself one day and this shell I inhabit, I pray to God I will.
Wether I'll live long enough to tell the tale remains to be seen.
As long as there is life in me, I'll try my hardest to stop the Ed, to always fight it.
There are days where I will encourage the disease, and then there will be days like today when I actually know better. I know I shouldn't lose so much weight that my ribcage shows and my hips stick out. I shouldn't be proud of looking sick.
I hope to have more days like those.

As for today, well I'm just not hungry.

1 comments:

Does It Even Matter said...

That is so awesome you are not hungry. I'm currently mentally fighting a jar of peanut butter in the cabinet behind me. Send me some vibes :)