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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Restless

I bob in and out of sleep, the clock says 7:45am..
I know by 8 I'm supposed to be up. I stayed up late writing and drinking again, I finally quit for the night and let the drunken stupor take me. Sometimes I fear I won't wake up one of these days..
I didn't b/p yesterday but did binge on laxatives.

Today is the dreaded Grocery Day.
My daughter comes home today too, I told my ex he could tag along for Grocery Day, we've barely spoken these days. He liked the idea of spending time with me, I told him I would share the food spoils so my daughter could have her favorites at his house since he hasn't shopped for anything. He's always at work and has zero food at his house.

I know I must wake up now, very soon my ex will be calling me ready to head to the market with me after dropping our kid off at school. I feel very tired this morning and Ed is so loud. My stomach feels heavy as do I.
I hear a knocking and groggily look out my window to see nothing. I lay my head back on my pillow that's occupied with both cats. They snuggle next to me all night. If I were to ever die in my sleep, at least I wouldn't be alone.
The knocking continues, louder this time. I think there's someone at my door?
I get up and find something to wear before heading to the front door, in my peephole there are two men waiting for me.
The first is my flamboyant building Manager, the second is a man I've never seen before.
My heads throbs and I rub my eyes open.
I open my front door and I'm greeted by the Owner of this building. he apologizes for the interruption.
There is some paperwork from Housing that needs to be signed.
I tell him to give me a second.
I close my bedroom door sealing both cats (pets) that I'm not supposed to have inside, and hide the evidence of said animals in my bathroom, closing that door behind me.
The two men enter and the paperwork is laid out for me to sign. Another lease, my copy will be mailed to me next week.
Another apology and they are gone. My ex arrives five minutes later.
He keeps busy in the living room conversing to himself as I am unable to hear him from my bedroom, I'm throwing anything on and now brushing my teeth before we leave to shop.
I wander the aisles picking this and that not sure of what I'm getting.
As I shop for food I never picture me actually eating it. I get things my daughter would like and hope maybe I can find some "safe food."
What is "safe" now?
Fruit for one, water at times although even water can be triggering to me, stupid as that sounds.
Coffee a must.
I have no idea what to buy.
My ex husband gets things for my kid too, I tell him its okay with everything he grabs and throws in the cart, yes I'm flipping the bill, but it's for my kid so it doesn't matter.
He makes small talk, very small. I'm used to tuning him out. I nod and give the usual responses as if I'm listening. I'm not.
I'm lost in thought, I have a cart full of things to binge on.
I'm triggered.
"You look different." my ex simply states to me at the checkout line.
He keeps appraising me and I don't like it. What's different mean anyways?

My sister is coming for a visit Saturday, or so she says. She has her own Ed now, well not really.
She exploits Ed, that's a better statement. She's using b/p and laxatives as a means to lose weight. She doesn't care about the rest. She says she refuses to get Fat. She loves people's praises on her sudden weight loss. She loves attention.
She is also triggering as fuck to me.
She told me to set money aside for food to binge on for her visit. She wants to b/p and watch movies or something.
I should have never told her or anyone about my Ed, maybe I shouldn't have even started this blog.
I'm triggering.

Where does that leave me, someone who is suffering with an actual Eating Disorder.
Someone who hates behaviors, someone who never wants to b/p again. Does she even care, does anyone?
I wake each day in tears because one day seems so hard. I don't want this, I'm so tired of living this way.
My head hurts from over thinking, my heart hurts from being lonely.
Why was I born this way?

As I write this, I think of a lyric from the song "Courage" by Superchick.

"I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better."
I plan on not being home for her visit, if we're out somewheres I may stand a chance.
The shopping is done and I have to drop my Ex off home.
He tells me there is no school Friday, I smile for the first time that day. I want to take my daughter somewhere.
He also tells me about two kids in her class that got in trouble for kissing in recess.
Yes I said Kissing.
I fear for my kid, these days are terrible dangerous ones.
I tell him about a story I read in The Huffington Post. Two second graders caught having oral sex.
You should have seen my husband's eyes pop out their sockets.
He was very animate on bringing this up with our daughter's teacher.
These are some scary times we live in nowadays..

After I drop him off home, I head to my own homestead to pack the groceries away..
My cats were of no help there.


My kitten is sick, she is puking and vomiting everywhere. I don't know what is going on there.
I find a lovely pile of regurgitated cat food on my comforter.
Fuck.
I'm gathering the sheets to be washed when my phone rings.
My daughter's Godmother calling from the Hospital, at first she asks about the job and my second interview. She hears it's actually this Friday. I don't know when it is, the foxxy store Manager has yet to call me.
Her father is hospitalized for having high blood pressure. I tell her to keep me posted. I will pray for him.
This is a man I've grown up with, I've known him since I was twelve.
His health has been going down these past years.
I feel like doing my Tarot but I'm scared to see that Sorrow card pop up, that dreaded card that means death.
I know he'll be okay, he has to be..I stick to the topic at hand, I'm to call and follow up on my interview.
I call and the fox manager says he'll call me Thursday with an update.
If the Interview is Friday than that means I can't take my daughter to the beach, I planned on taking her there. I'm in need of a tan, I currently have a bad mismatched one.

My daughter is finally home and we have to head to the Laundromat I'm afraid, I can't have sticky puke sheets.
I laugh once we get there because we run into the Little grimy Cheetos girl from Saturday's laundry day.
My daughter couldn't be happier to see her.
The Cheetos girl behaved today.
I was able to keep reading The Girl with the Pearl Earring.




Afterwards I head home to make dinner.
I b/p on that, laxatives for dessert.
In my absence I've missed the UPS man.
He'll be by tomorrow with a package,  I don't know which one of you beautiful readers have sent me something but I thank you in advance.
I fell asleep afterwards in exhaustion, my cats licked and nibbled on my fingers until I awoke several hours later. This was out of character for me so they must've worried.
My daughter is bathed and off to bed.

Today was not a good day for me as for as Ed was concerned.
I feel Fat today.
I wish I didn't because I know deep down inside that I am not. Why can't I see what everyone else does?
I'll try to write some before bed, I miss my characters. I wish I had their problems and not my own.
I'm worried about what's next, this new life I've pushed myself into having.
I wanted a job and here it is, I'm just worried I won't be able to function properly or worse, I'll use it as a means to lose more weight. I remember a time when I was 80lbs and it brought me so much joy in spite of the health scares.

Why does weighing less mean so much?
I have a void that needs to be filled with something, but what?

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