Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Today I'm on the move, searching for a TV for my daughter's room, every time her dad takes her on his days he also takes her little plasma TV as well.
The back and forth of it is tiring.
I decided he should just keep the thing and I'd get her a used one from a thrift store.
He decides to tag along.
The errand is done and we decide to have breakfast afterwards.
We both have coffee and I allow myself two hash browns which I actually keep down.
Somewhere along our small talk, the subject of dog's are brought up.
My daughter wants one very badly.
Lately I'm incredibly frustrated with her school or rather her teacher.
It's nothing but complaints, she talks too much or speeds through tests, I don't know what's going on with her.
I can only blame myself and the parenting on my end.
I always do this, put the strife on myself because I think I'm not good enough.

My husband suggest we go to an Animal Shelter and browse for dogs.
The light bulb goes off and I think it's a good idea.
Maybe we can use her desire for a pet as an incentive, a bribe if you will.
If she can turn her grades and behavior around then she can have a puppy.

In the Animal Shelter we begin.
There are so many dogs everywhere, some in great states of health, others borderline emaciated and abused.
At some point in the shelter amidst the wide eyed hopeful canines I start to cry.
My husband's  eyes tear up too, but he tries harder than I do to stop the waterworks.
These poor animals.
How did they end up here, how can people be so cruel?
I wish I could help them all, but of course I can't.
I feel bad for even picking one when they are all in need of homes.

Another visitor sees my sadness and they smile apologetically before there own eyes get glossy too.
It wasn't my intention to make others cry.

The dogs that break my heart the most are the ones that are quiet.
They stay put in the cages, some of them with their backs turned away from me.
They don't bother getting up, it's as if they know there is no hope for them. Why bother pretending. They know they will die soon enough, I think they are so sad themselves they wish it.
I've felt like them before, so hopeless death looks easier.

My husband leads me away from the kennels that house the larger dogs.
The larger ones are harder to find homes for of course, those are the ones that have the most damage.
They've been abused in the streets or at home, and even here by careless shelter workers.
many of them sleep right next to feces.
Three or four dogs to one small kennel.

I compose myself before heading to the smaller kennels that house small to medium sized dogs.
These are the ones we would have to choose from anyway, both our apartments are too small for anything else.

The smaller dogs are a bit more lively although there are a few with that same hopeless look on their face. They lay still in corners not even bothering to raise their heads.

The dogs wags their tails and melt like butter at my touch, affection, who doesn't love that.
I smile now although I pity them all.

There are so many, there is even a litter of surrendered puppies.
One in particular would not leave me alone. I stuck my finger in his cage and he nibbled it with joy. His puppy breath fans my face and I love it.
As I walk away from his cage he starts to cry and bites the bars trying to get out.

One kennel cage houses two dogs that look exactly alike, they are male and female and immediately you know they are brother and sister.
What if they get separated?
Will they know and mourn the other?
I hate to think of such things.

My ex is like a kid in a candy store, he loves them all.
We start discussing the logistics of adopting a pet.
We would share custody of the puppy. He would take the dog on his days and I would have it the remainder of the week.
The adoption fee is only sixty dollars.

On the way out we pass by the cats, I don't go in.
The kittens and cats would just make me cry all over again.
I don't want to look at them.

I think of my own furry babies at home and how lucky I am to have them. They are so sweet to me and have kept me company when there was never anyone else.
They've seen me at my worst sick with my Ed, and at my most depressed when I thought of ways to quietly exit this world.
The older one a black cat named "Big Kitty" was given to me by my sister.
I didn't want anymore cats. I had a gray American Short hair that I dubbed "Baby boy."
He was my love, I lost him after my husband and I separated and I lived alone for that first awful year.
I vowed to never love another cat again, I just couldn't go through it all over again.
My sister's cat "Cucaracha (roach in English lol) had a litter of kittens, all had found homes but the grunt of the litter.
My sister insisted and wore me down to take the cat. I reluctantly took it, I didn't even give it a name for the first year. Kitty was what I called her, after she got spayed and my daughter could talk better, she started calling her Big Kitty and so that is her name.
My second cat "Nemo" my daughter named it of course, was a stray I found at a Checkers fast food joint.
It was a tiny grey kitten that was eating fries and things behind a dumpster.

Usually not always though cats on the street are wild and won't venture near people, especially kittens, but this one did the opposite.
I tried walking away from her only to find her at my heels.
My ex husband and daughter wanted to bring her home and so we did.

There is a huge crowd inside this Animal Shelter, mostly dog owners. There is a 30$ co pay for vaccines.
There is also a Vet Mobile parked outside.
I inquire about the Vet.
My cat Nemo needs to be spayed badly, her heat cycles are worsening and now she's urinating everywhere.
I clean my house meticulously but still can smell the urine even though others reassure me they can't.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, I sometimes think I reek of sick from the Bulimia.
The cat spaying is only 15$ and as it happens they can take her tomorrow morning at 6am.
My eyes light up with delight.
I don't care how early I have to wake up, this cat's getting clipped!
Me getting up at 5:30 to take my cat in means I can't take my kid to school, my husband actually will sleepover my house later and take her to school.
He loves this idea, I do not but this is more important.
My daughter has S.A.T testing all this week and can't miss class.
My ex can stay in her room and she can bunk with me.
I hope to be sound asleep before and after he comes over.

My husband wishes I had the camera, and could take pics of the dogs for my daughter, a further incentive to the bribe, at the time I said yeah. Now that I think about it I'm glad I didn't.
I now feel as though I would be violating them or putting their misery on display, I know it sounds silly but I know all too well that animals can feel many a thing.
Everything happened as it should and always does.
I'm glad for once I didn't have my camera on me.

So tomorrow my cat gets spayed and I will be able to finally get some relief from a whiny cat in heat.

My Ed is bad today, I hate my weight which now tilts between 110-113 and sometimes 115lbs.
These are all safe numbers but for the most part make me feel bad about myself.
I hate that Ed does this to me.
I know the minute I get below 108 the frenzy to keep losing until I weigh 90lbs or less will start and I don't know if stopping will be so easy.

For now I'm not there yet and I try to accept this weight and try to eat one time a day even if it's hardly what most would consider a meal.
I don't know what else to do.

So that's it for now, let's see what Thursday has in store me.