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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Hiccup

My so called job was in limbo for a week or so since the second interview passed.
I was told I would get a phone call back, I never did.
I called my daughter's Godmother to see if she could find something out.
Today she calls me rather upset.
She tells me I've been dismissed, what a colorful word dismissed.
The Asshole who did my second interview,(and on that day I had the worst vibes from him) he looked like a prick, always go with your gut people..always.
If it doesn't feel right it usually isn't.

The Asshole said that he asked me a question..
"Why do you have so many jobs in the last five years?"
to which my reply was "Because I get bored easily and quit."

Number one this dickhead never asked me that question, my interview with him was very quick and he didn't ask me much.
And two I would NEVER say something so incredibly stupid, who in their right mind would??

So this is why my job was in limbo.
My daughters Godmother sighs on the other end of the phone call. She's frustrated and I feel bad for her.
It's a huge confusing mess and she doesn't know how to fix it.
I tell her maybe he has me confused with someone else.
I say this because during yesterday's follow up call with her she told me that a new CVS is opening in July and that's the one I'll most likely be working at, so I would be training but wouldn't actually be working till then. In the meantime they are hiring people for that store that's being built as we speak. Maybe he had more interviews that day or week, but in any case that conversation between us never happened.

So now what?
How do you think I would take this..bad of course.
I feel stupid for thinking it was so easy, I feel stupid for getting excited about this new job.
I feel stupid for getting my hopes up.
I'm just stupid period.
I say this and will always say..HOPE hurts.
I know I sound so depressive right now and this whole post stinks, but I'm just really sad right now.
I know deep down inside this will pass and I'll be okay, but as for today I'm just gonna let the Ed have me.

I went five whole days Bulimia free, not today.
Today I want to physically hurt as much as I mentally do.
After I stopped crying and having a one way conversation with God I peeled myself off the floor and decided to binge.
I didn't know what to shovel down my throat first, I'm not hungry but even if I was I wouldn't know anyways because I'm all fucked up.
I just took everything out and stood in my kitchen eating this and that not tasting anything, not caring if it would hurt to bring back up.
I got incredibly full fast and that pissed me off. I wanted more, I wanted to be so full I could barely walk and stand up straight, I wanted to feel anxious and my chest to throb as my heart would be so strained.
I wanted to suffer because I feel like I must deserve this. Instead I got full rather quickly.
The purge was effortless because of all the backed up stomach acid.
I plan on b/p a few more times then laxatives, squeeze in a workout and drink to fall asleep.

My daughter got dropped off and my ex is lingering around talking my ear off.
I wish he would just leave, I'm so distraught I can't have a conversation with him, I'm binging as he's talking.
He wants to know what I do on days I don't have my daughter, "So who's the guy you're seeing?" he says in a sad tone.
I can't take it anymore and the Ed side of me gets to talking.
"When are you fucking leaving, I need to throw up now!"
 He apologizes and says he's sorry he hadn't realised I was done binging, I wasn't but he needed to go, I don't want to talk and binge I want to be alone in my thoughts and my hell.
He stumbles out my house locking the door behind him.
Now I can finish.
I'll be dizzy after this purge I'm about to do, so I'll lay down for a bit and quietly panic.
I can't wait to drink, I can't wait for that moment that comes when you've had enough and the sleep takes you.
So that's it, today I am sad, today I am Eating Disordered.

1 comments:

Making Changes...One Step At A Time said...

Oh Lou...I'm so sorry that this is happening! And it's completely unacceptable that this guy has done this...even if he has gotten you mixed up with someone else, he should be documenting things better than that. My husband does the hiring for a large company that he and I both work for and if he did something like that with a prospective employee I hate to think of the repercussions he would encounter. That is so unprofessional! Maybe you can talk to corporate and see what you can do about it? Either way, I hope things start looking up for you...you deserve nothing but the best. Just keep swimming...good things are on their way soon, I just know it! Love and hugs!