Friday, May 4, 2012


Waited all morning to be called in to see my doc for refills.
In the meantime caught up on reading "The wind through the KeyHole."
I had the privilege of sitting next to someone with a bad case of halitosis.
I thought my face would melt off and no matter how much I shifted in my seat and turned away from this man, his breath managed to follow me. I started to get a headache even.

Finally the doc calls me in and I'm asked "How are you doing?"
Such a simple question, I told him all was well in medication land.
I didn't tell him about the more recent panic attacks, I didn't want to hear a lecture so early.
I was dying to get out of there. I took supps and meds this morning, chased it down with a Boost shake and half a banana.
I felt full and uncomfortable.
That feeling would last all day.

Afterwards, I decide to call my ex.
He's in need of a couch for his apartment, it has to be something small, like the couch I own now. He told me last week if I would let him keep the thing, and he would buy me a replacement, I have room for something bigger anyways.
So that's what we did today, I wanted to take him up on the offer while it was still on the table.
I managed to find one I liked and haggled the price from $70 to $50.
Yes always Haggle folks.
A sale is a sale is a sale.
My little beetle is strapped and away we go.
After the couch is set up at my place, my ex husband asks me if I'm doing groceries tomorrow, yes tomorrow is the dreaded Grocery day.

New couch

He wanted to tag along but has to work instead. He asks me if I can do him a little bit of groceries "Not for me, for the baby, you know what she likes."
Yeah that's how he gets my ass, using the kid as a shield.
If my sister found out I was doing him this favor she would bite my head off, I can just hear her now..
"He can afford to buy his own fucking food, he has a job, he shouldn't be mooching off you still, you have no job!"
Yes this is true, I know.
I've never been one to deny anyone food, lord knows I've been wasteful with it seeing as how I dabble in Bulimia every now and again.
Growing up, my Mother didn't like cooking, she would only cook on days she knew my oldest brother (her favorite child) would be off from work, the rest of us had to fend for ourselves.
So I'm not going to start being stingy if I have any kind of means to help anyone, but that's just me. I'm sure my sister makes a valid point, but I'm just a softy I suppose.

So my ex makes a very small list and tomorrow I'll oblige.
I'm not to keen on shopping for food, I have no idea what to buy, I mostly circle the aisles a lot, this is triggering of course, because I start getting things to binge on later whether I decide I'll b/p yet or not.

I've binged a lot today, no purging but ugh how I wish I had. I'm so bloated and uncomfortable, I hate it.
I'm in a relatively good mood, but Ed is there and this is hard.
Will I eat tomorrow, hmm I'm starting to think I've had enough this week.
After I drop my ex off back home, I go buy laxatives.
I've taken two boxes and now wait for the inevitable sick that comes from taking too many. My head throbs in protest and my chest aches something terrible.
My knee hurts a lot today, I didn't get much of a workout which just makes everything worse. I hate these days where there are setbacks.

The only highlight of my day was my daughter. She always manages to keep me distracted and smiling when I don't feel like it.
She loves the new couch, we can both sit comfortably with two furry kitties as well, all of us huddled on this fabric island watching movies. She's happy today and that's a good thing, it makes me feel less pathetic.
I wish I could do more for this kid of mines, she deserves more than what I give her.

Tomorrow Grocery Day, will I b/p?
I don't know, all I know is that I have a weekend full of errands and Science Projects.

This is what we've decided to do the project on.
"Do different types of apples have the same number of seeds?"
Oh Jebus, please let this be simple!

Boo school.
So now I'll google and research, I have to get everything wrapped this week because the following week I need to focus on more important matters like finding a job and getting Dr.'s appointments.
I think I need to see a gyno bad. I'm very curious about something.
I hope I'm wrong and I'm just being a paranoid mental case as usual.

So nite all, back to work.



Anonymous said...

I hope you're ok?
Don't be so hard on yourself, you know eating is important, i'm sorry its painful but your body will get used to it again, don't give up.

You're a great Mom, i know some crummy ones and sweetie you're nothing like them.

I hope whatever you're worried about in the gyno app is nothing, i've read your blog and past post so i know you have cysts in your ovaries and cancer in your family, please keep us informed.
I know you'll be okay, good luck with school project, the idea ya picked sounds easy.
stay strong lou, ure an inspiration to me, wish i was an iota of your bravery.