Thursday, May 3, 2012

Back to the grind

Today no b/p.
I can't recall how many days it's been now, I think I don't want to keep track either.
Having a number add up daily will put pressure on me and make me despair if I were to b/p one day again.
I think I need to give myself a break, be my own cheerleader.
I could be doing so much worse but sometimes I don't see it that way, not sometimes, all the time.
I managed to eat today and still feel full immediately afterwards.
 I get so full it's painful almost.
That's triggering to me of course and I'll have the urge to get rid of it, I almost did today but had to tell myself what I ate wasn't much and it was all healthy.

I googled support groups today in my area, almost got discouraged when I couldn't find anything but then found a website that helped some. has a lot of other useful info, glad I found it.
Now the only thing is I have to call and confirm the group, ask questions and get all the details, you would think it were simple.
The truth is just thinking about calling gives me anxiety, it's not that I don't want to go but it's just sometimes talking to "officials" of any kind makes me panic. I don't know why but it just does.
Hopefully I can work up the nerve to call and find out.

The day has been kinda quiet, my boyfriend had to go back home and I got my daughter back from her dad's.
She had a ton of homework and we still have to get started on another Science project.
I have no idea what I can do it on, I want something ridiculously easy.
You'd think floating an egg in salt water would have gotten her an A but apparently that's not the case.
Maybe her next project should be "How long can I stare at an Egg??"

Her dad and I are still getting along, he's been in such a good mood and I'm ever so grateful. I have to deal with this man for another 11yrs, that's a long time to shoot the shit.

I have my Dr.'s appointment tomorrow morning for refills on all my meds.
The next day I'll get started on project and then try the job hunt again.
It's a new month and more mini goals to accomplish.

I hope to find work, being broke all the time sucks.
If I don't find something soon, I'll resort to selling fruit on intersections lol.
Or maybe get a hot dog cart?

Hmm food (boo) for thought.
My weight is awful, I actually didn't weigh myself all day but the bloat is apparent, painfully so.
Talk about food baby indeed, I look about four months along. I couldn't tell you who the father is, could be anyone, Boost, Ensures, Chiquita bananas..I've been around these days :(

I have a dilemma, since I'm so used to laxatives, I have to find another source of relief.
I would do an enema or something but all of those things will just trigger me to abuse. I have to find something that can get me regular without it feeling like behaviours.

I still have Ed in my ear, 20lbs is all it wants.
I hate that I want it too, I can't for obvious reasons, my health has been deteriorating much these days.
My hair still is falling out, that's a huge sign that my insides are suffering bad.
I tried to pee today and nothing, was in the loo for what felt like 5 minutes just trying, the urge so strong but nothing, then finally release. I actually did a cheer lol.
Hmm must be my prostate acting up again j/k.
Its the ol kidneys of course, I should take better care of myself, but I would have to actually love myself first for that to even happen.
I don't think I have a UTI  but then again what the fuck do I know anyways.
I pretend to think I'm in control but I'm obviously out of control.

So I think that's it, chatting with my favorite niece, she wants to skype on Saturday so we can workout together, I agreed but the more I think about it the more I don't want to.
I'm in my own little world when I work out, and I go for a long time where as my niece just started working out and can only do so much taking plenty of breaks.
Ah #ED problems..

Well goodnight all, tomorrow is another day and another fight.