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Thursday, May 24, 2012

Pressure

I'm still sick.
Far too feverish with a side of sinus pressure.

My daughter's allergic reaction is gone, a raspy cough still lingers.
She didn't eat much today, a bit of spaghetti and put the remainder in the fridge for tomorrow or so she says.
She's been eating considerably less these days, Ramen noodle soup seems to be the only thing she'll actually want to eat.
I don't worry yet about her eating patterns, I should considering my own awful eating, but she's seven and doing what seven years old do and that is be indecisive about everything.

I hate being sick, woke up this morning in tears because I felt so bad.
On the plus side no b/p today, ate a peanut butter sandwich and felt nauseous five minutes later.
I kept it down but decided to binge on laxatives as my means of expulsion.
I really wish I could stop all this bullshit but deep down inside I must not want it bad enough, does that make me a bad person?
I don't think I care.
I think I'm tired of caring what others think about me, I'm tired of feeling pressured to do the right thing all the time. I really don't know how to do that.
I'm lucky if I can get this b/p under control long enough to trade up to restricting again.

I worry about my health yes, but not enough, you would think low sugar, nosebleeds, sharp random stomach cramps and achey kidneys would deter me from all of this, but it doesn't.
I just don't know what it's going to take for me to get the message that I will die sooner rather than later if I keep on with this way of living.

I can't seem to get a proper grasp on help either..The only two support groups that I've found are utter dismantled bullshit.
They're non existent, need to be updated data in a website. There are no support groups, there is no help for me, not the way I'm willing to go about it.
What am I supposed to do exactly?
There is the therapist route again, maybe I could find one that specializes in Ed's, but how long until they've had enough of my shit too, how long until they tell me it's time for a hospital, send me away somewhere thinking that weight restoration is the answer to it all.
It's not.
I don't need to gain weight, I need to gain perspective, to fix whatever is it that possesses me to hurt myself this way, to slowly commit suicide.
I'm frustrated.

I wish I could tell you that I don't want to lose weight but I'd be lying.
If I could lose 20lbs by the end of June, I'd be a happier person, that's what it sounds like in my head. Will I feel better sans 20lbs..no.
How could I, I'd be weak and sick and maybe even look differently. I say maybe because I can never really see what everyone else does, I don't trust mirrors.
I can never be sure of what I look like.


Did you know that there a ton of apps for weight loss?
There's even an app for a food journal to track what you eat and how much you shouldn't to lose.
There are all these things everywhere that scream out to me.
Lose, lose, lose.

I wish I were working. If I had a job, I'd be stable.
This I believe.

I applied for a position at a bar in a not so nice part of town.
I applied for work any place that stands out, anything really, I don't care anymore what it is I have to do as long as it has the hours I need and pays some kinda whatever to get me by.
I just want out of this house, away from Ed for awhile.

Let's talk about summer.
My sister wants to see me, my ex wanted to go out of town for the summer instead but my sister isn't 100% on him being in her home.
I was told today she may not be able to pay for my ticket to go.
I don't think I'll be going anywhere this summer.

It all comes back to money and my lack of it.

I'm not independent, I'm just scraping by.


Then there are some very loud men in my life right now.
I have been told by my sister if I do head up there how enthusiastic The Boy is to see me, he wants to take me out a few times..
I don't mind a movie but not anything else. I've made it clear how not interested I am in pursuing anything other than a friendship with him.
He's very young and I'm not.
I'm a mother with bills and responsibility, I don't need to cramp any one's style no matter how willing they are to take care of me. I want to take care of myself for a change.

Then there's the ex husband.
How awful it's been dealing with him lately.
Every conversation starts out cordial and then turns into a giant guilt trip.
He keeps making comments like
"I'm going to die alone and sad."
"No one will ever take your place in my heart."
"I miss and love you."
The expressions he makes are like those of sad pets at a shelter.
He thinks by showing me how miserable he is I'll feel pity for him and go back.
I won't. No matter how miserable you are, it's 1000x magnified for me because of all my disorders.
I refuse to feel so unhappy as I've been the past 5yrs.
I wish he would just lay off of it and leave me alone.
Stop trying to grab my hand or force me to hug him.
Just stop and have some dignity man.

There's the British bloke too who would love nothing more than to send me a ticket to London, a one way ticket.
I've been offered the world but I don't think I deserve it.
As wonderful as this person is, I think our relationship would be nothing more than a means to fix me when I'm not quite there yet. I'm not a fixer upper, more of an As Is kinda girl.

I'm still trying to figure out me and how to deal with it all one day at a time.
 That's all I can offer to anyone is one day at a time.
Be patient with me because I myself have heaps of it. I'll have good days and bad, but I try, that's all any of us can do really.

What I want most right now is to work, to financially be able to provide for myself and my kid, to really be free.
My Ed comes next, I would be able to manage that better thus being a better, sane person. Not so lost in my head all the time.
The rest of it all are luxuries; to finish my novel, to travel, to reconnect with my faith..
Those things can be done but not right now because there are other things taking up too much of my time.

Moving along..
I have a birthday party to attend Saturday.
I have no idea what to buy an 8yr old girl and an 11yr old boy.
What on earth do kids like nowadays?
I'll try to figure something else tomorrow.

One more season and my Felicity Marathon is over.

I've been reading "Insatiable" by Eve Eliot.



"I tell myself that hunger isn't as horrible as the fat is," said Jessica. "I tell myself how happy I'll feel when I wake up tomorrow morning feeling clean and thin."

"I tell myself how special I am," said Jessica. "I tell myself I'm different because I can be hungry and still not eat."


It's a good book, four girls, four different Ed's.
I highly recommend. I can't turn down Ed themed literature, it's refreshing to see in print what you live day in and out.

So that's it, my head is throbbing and that means time to lay down for a bit.
Hope you all are well.
Nite.

3 comments:

Making Changes...One Step At A Time said...

Oh Lou...I hope you get to feeling better soon. I hate that you are struggling right now and wish I could make it all better for you. You are so strong...even though it may not seem that way at the moment...I know you will get through this and conquer all that lies in your way. Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day. I'm here if you need me. Love always! Nikki :)

Anonymous said...

Feel better Lou..
Try not to focus too much on things you can't control.
You inspire me sweetheart, please don't give up.
I know you'll make a comeback, your're a strong one, I hope to be as strong as you one day.
Do you wanna be text buddies, would love to know your number?

Peridot (G+P) said...

All I want you to do is be yourself and stay alive and one day be happy.

Ignore people who try to jerk you around or guilt trip you into ignoring your needs to cater to theirs.

Learn from the Honeybadger and just remember that you are one of the most amazing people to ever grace this sorry mudball.

<3