Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Backpack backpack!

I did indeed sleep the remainder of Tuesday away.
I had an awful dream where my hair was falling out by the handfuls thus leaving me with a huge bald spot. I think I know why I dreamt this, but I won't say just yet..

The b/ping from yesterday left me exhausted,
It's not like before, I truly feel more awful with each time.
In a way that's good because it's a deterrent, in another warped way of looking at things it's bad, because it means that when I do eat, I have to keep it down, or go back to not eating at all.
I don't know a polite way to put that I don't want to gain weight.
I don't know of a happy medium so what to do now?

I took too many laxatives.
This afternoon, around noon when I woke up, my head is throbbing.
I feel hungover minus the alcoholic binge.
I'm still not in the best mood.
I spoke to my sister earlier but tried to keep it brief, I didn't want her to be sad since she hates hearing me sound so depressed.
I still don't know what came over me yesterday, I hope to never feel like that again.
Like I've said I can deal with the solitude, sometimes I actually crave the thing, but yesterday for some odd reason it was too much.
I got a glimpse of a life with no child or anyone around, just me. I didn't too much care for that.
It's no one's fault as to my melancholic state, I guess it just comes with the territory of just being me dealing with it all or rather letting things get to me.
They can always be worse, and maybe they will be soon, but how I decide to cope is the matter that I must change.
Things will always happen, problems with solutions I can't yet fathom.
Figure out a sensible way to not combust Lou, that is the key.

My daughter gets home and of course I look a mess.
My ex insists on coming inside where he stays for a bit.
He knows me all too well and can tell there is something wrong, something else other than the usual melodramas he's grown accustomed to.
We talk for a bit and he gets to eat leftovers with my kid while I google gyno's.

"Why do you need to see a gyno?" my ex asks with too much curiosity.
*Heavy sigh*
I want to know something is all I can say, all I have been saying these days.
I don't have the heart to tell him or anyone that I've given myself a breast exam a few days back and have found something odd in my right breast.
I'm sure it's nothing and it's probably just me doing the exam wrong or something idiotic or who knows what, but with saying things aloud sometimes comes worry and I don't want anyone making a fuss over me.
I do have Cancer in my family, a lot of it.
I've had an aunt pass away from Breast cancer a few years back and well there's always the Ovarian Cancer from Mom, or Esophagus Cancer from Dad.
There's Melanoma from another Uncle and the list goes on.

It''s nothing I'm sure of it.
I'm calling tomorrow and hoping this one clinic takes my insurance so I can go as soon as possible.

My daughter has three days worth of backed up Homework, this has been like the second week in a row where this has happened, I hate when it does.
Her Science Project is due tomorrow, and now I come to find out she has a book report due Friday.
I can't wait for school to be done with.
I will blast "School's Out" by Alice Cooper on her last day!

I'm glad my daughter is back home, I feel somewhat normal when she's here.
I have purpose and more importantly an Instant pick me up.
I can't fake too many smiles when she's around.
I have a splitting headache for most of today, the laxatives are slowly activating.
B/p only once today and I've kept down fruit and a shake.
My weight is embarrassingly too high for my liking. Ed insists we get diet pills and loads of em. Good thing I've been pretty tight these days or that wish would come to fruition.
The homework is done and the project is ready and so is she for tomorrow's presentation.
My daughter made me write down everything I could possibly want for Mother's Day,
I don't know, I don't like to ask for things even if I deserve them, so the most I wrote was a nice bouquet of flowers that are not ROSES blech, I don't care for them, and maybe a cheesecake and a DVD box set if possible of something I like to watch. No biggie I'd be happy with one or all, doesn't matter to me, a simple homemade card would be even better and I know she's making one for me anyways.
How I love my daughter, my little lifesaver. My life would be so different without her in it.

Before I shower later on in the day, there is a knock at my window and it's the UPS man.
A package??

My daughter has something for her this time.
It's a backpack!

Eh, no that's not it?
Sorry too much Dora on the brain today. Let's try this again.

Ah that's better!
Yes she has a new backpack.
The very beautiful Blogger Sarah, désespérée de maigrir
"Je voudrais mourir pour être mince" has sent this to us..THANK YOU!!
You're too sweet darling, she loves it so much. She says thanks too and is wearing it tomorrow for school. This has put a smile on this ol' mug of mines.

I'm so sorry your friend Pauline is still missing, I hope she turns up soon safe and well. I can only imagine what you're going through, my prayers are with you and yours..
Stay strong and positive love, I'm sure you'll hear something soon.
Please re post, and get this flyer out there, in hopes something can be done.
If you don't mind I'm posting this on my Twitter feed.

So that's it, going to have some wine to numb my headache then watch something till I fall asleep. I've been sleeping more than I'd like but that's probably a good thing.
Hope you all are well and thanks again for the sweet gift. God bless you sweetie, I hope your friend is okay.

Nite all, let's hope tomorrow is better for us all.