Friday, May 18, 2012

Dr.s and Deals

So I've been stuck in a b/p cycle.
I'm sad to admit I've been going crazy over here with my own devices.
I don't know how to fight this shit anymore.
I can't remember how or why I wanted to in the first place. I've been letting molehills become Mountains lately and so Ed has been comforting me as it usually does..

After the school play it kinda all went downhill, the b/p has been non stop.
I'm really tired.

Today I had my Dr.s appointment.
I didn't want to go, and at 7am I got a call from my ex telling me my kid was feverish and unable to go to school.
Now I had to deal with that on my way back home later.
Sick kids are triggering and exhausting.

I wanted nothing more than to cancel my appointment with the Gp, but I went ahead and dealt with it anyways..
In the Clinic and I'm running late, really late.
I ring the bell at the frosted glass partition and expected a scolding as tardiness is never accepted and its a personal pet peeve of mines.
Instead I'm greeted by the Clinic's new receptionist, it's a man and a overwhelmed one by the looks of it, he has no idea what he's doing.
The Clinic has merged Insurances and HMO's of all kinds, so now there is nothing but confusion and confused patients.
I'm treated like a first timer, filling out forms and providing contact info all over again, on the plus side my tardiness is overlooked. I'm happy about that, I was prepared to blame it all on the new guy just in case.

So now I'm to sit and wait, and wait..wait some more.

I had more pics to post, but Blogger is telling me I'm to purchase more Gb..oh lordy if it's not one thing it's another..
What Bullshit.

Sorry no more pics I'm afraid.


The nurse calls me in and I'm weighed.
Holy fucknugget!
My weight is high. I didn't see that coming.
I'm so distracted at some point the nurse is looking at me like I have a huge mental impairment not listed on my chart.

The Dr. finally sees me and this is quick.
I need to see an Ob-Gyn for my breast exam and pap smear of course, he can only give me a referral, they don't do that in the Clinic.
I'm secretly overjoyed because I don't want this man touching my breasts.

I'm asked if I smoke for some reason and I admitted that I've been doing it more and more lately.
Now I get scolded..
Blah blah don't smoke you will die and look like a prune in the process, yeah no shit really, no one bothered to ever tell me that before.

"Is there anything else wrong?" the doc asks me.
I tell him No.
I'd love to say yes there is doc, help me, I'm fucked with my Eating Disorder, it's sucking the life and will outta me, but I stay quiet as usual because I think there is no help for me, I'm doomed to have this illness the rest of my days.

On the little table and I have to get off,
I can't wait to run outta here, the doctor is too close to me, so close I can see his irises and smell his breath which reeked of coffee.
He tries to help me down like I'm some kind of invalid and I try to get myself off the table, we misfire and I nearly fall on my face but instead land on his foot.
I turn Scarlet and apologize profusely, he reassures me I weigh nothing and it didn't hurt.
This was the highlight of my day..sad huh?

So no breast exam, and no gyno in sight, I have to now scour the ends of the Earth in hopes one will take my shitty insurance.

I drive home and think of all the things I'm dying to binge on.
My phone is squished at the bottom of my purse and I hear a beeping sound, its the phone reminding me of a missed call. I check the log and it's my Oldest brother.
I call him back only to find out my phone dialed his number at random by mistake, we talk for a few minutes and he asks me hows the new job going.
I tell him the stupid story of how I had a job then didn't.
I feel ridiculous to no end every time I tell the fucking thing. I'm reminded of what a god dam failure I am and how things seem to always seep outta my hands like water.

Now I want to binge.
I call my ex who gives me the runaround for an hour.
Finally I get a hold of him and my kid is home.
She's a little bit under the weather but later feels better.
She and I cuddle in bed and watch movies when I'm not b/p.
I've taken a shit load of laxatives, a lot today.
I suspect tomorrow will be very bad for me. I feel lightheaded already and oh so sleepy.
The potassium is draining outta me as I type.

Thank god tomorrow is Friday, I hope I can sleep Saturday away, I hope to not eat all weekend long if I can, avoid Bulimia entirely but who knows, I say a lot of dumb shit don't I?

What a shame about the pics, oh Blogger, makes me want to quit you.
Maybe I should, feel so boring at times I myself can't stand it.
I don't know what's the point sometimes, I sit here and try my best and nothing seems to give for me.
I know I'm being incredibly selfish right now, I have so many blessings but that's just how I've been feeling lately.

Oh yeah, got offered Adderal today, a bottle of it.
To lose weight of course why else would I even bother with the thing. The person selling it doesn't even have an Ed but thinks its cute to enable those that do. Some world we have here.

Well that's enough for now.
Nite all.
And shame on you Blogger tsk tsk, you're really tempting me into quitting this Blog.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry youre having a tuff time, i hope you can feel better.
youre not a loser Lou, you are an amazing beautiful person, it would break my heart if you left blogger, youre the only person i can relate to.

hang in there sweetheart and dont let this ed eat u alive

Sam said...

I would say don't quit blogger, but we gotta do what we gotta do, for ourselves. Sorry the drs didn't work out. Hopefully you'll be able to get the help you need soon.


ruby-tuesday said...

hey lou,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low but I can relate a lot to how you're feeling. Being stuck in the b/p cycle is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. You are right it drains the very life from us. I have even resorted to shoplifting binge food which I am ashamed to admit.

I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone as I know how isolating the ed can be. You are a strong woman and I just know there is health and happiness in your future and you deserve it.

Mind you,

Much lovexxx