Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Take that!

This morning I wake up positive and determined, today I will not b/p!
Today is crazy hair day at school, and I think I've delivered, after fumbling with my daughter's hair for a few minutes I've managed to come up with something.

♥My Lil Miss B. ♥
We rush to school as we seem to be running late. I head to the entrance and get a strange look from my crush, I both love and hate when he stares at me.
He says hello to me and asks how I'm doing, I'm okay..
I quickly cut him off and head back to my car.
Today I'm supposed to go get a new stereo for my car, have to head back home now and wake up my husband who's off today and tomorrow.
I am craving coffee, need it too I'm so sleepy and drained today.
Home now and I need to lay down for an hour, I cannot keep my eyes open, I'm craving eggs too. Have to fight today can't let Mia win. I have to have one day at least dammit!
After a much needed nap I'm up and waking up my spouse, time to get going I need coffee, if anything at all today at least that.
The day is cold, 60's and warming up thank god, my black thermal shirt is keeping this little frame of mines warm. I can't wait for coffee.
 Dunkin Donuts finally!
Now here comes the test, usually I mess up here the muffins always get me.
I order a large coffee and my husband waits for the inevitable Chocolate Chip Muffin, I shake my head no.
My god I mean it! I did it!
No 590 calorie muffin for me today (yes that's how many calories-yikes!!)
I don't need it. The coffee tastes incredible, wakes me up and warms me up. My first victory of the day, by golly I think I can actually pull this off.
Inside the store and a great radio is picked out, I can't wait for my new sound system. The installation time is 20 minutes, I'm informed that the speakers are really good, this makes me happy. I'm glad the day is turning out so well. I'm still craving eggs but fight the feeling. I keep thinking about how great I'll feel seeing the numbers go down finally on the scale.
C'mon Lou you can do this..
The radio is installed and it sounds amazing. My coffee is all gone and it's time to go get my daughter from school. My husband being off today means I have to cook, hmm this could be tricky. I decide on cooking meat and potatoes in the crock pot, white rice too. Simple and quick, don't wanna get tempted.
The coffee rush is leaving me and I'm coming down, crashing. I am incredibly tired now, I need to sleep the minute we get home.
I need a nap!
"I'll take the baby to the park so you can sleep." my husband suggests.
Great idea..
I get the dinner done quickly and it smells incredible, my stomach grumbles loudly in complaint. Usually being alone like this means I could b/p at least 2x before my husband gets back. I'm craving a salad now, there's even leftover pizza in the fridge. I'm still overwhelmingly sleepy, this feeling is winning over Mia's nagging.
As I'm just about to lay in the bed my phone rings and it's my husband.
He tells me that he's at the park by the school, and my crush is there.
He tells me that my crush is there with one of the teachers from school, they are chummy and he suspects they are a couple.
My husband tells me this painful information with too much gusto me thinks..
I am numb in my response and wonder why my husband is such a mean fucking gossip. After hanging up with him, well I won't lie and say that didn't hurt me in the worst way. I'm triggered now and my first thought is to b/p.
Instead I sit on the bed with glossy eyes and nod my head in agreement, of course he would be taken.
A teacher, a beautiful thin normal woman who eats three meals a day and doesn't purge, someone with high aspects of life, confident and maybe even humble. Yes a woman like that always gets what she wants.
I guess now I can just really say enough, that's it Lou.
I start to think about what b/p would really solve at this time. The only person that will be affected by that is me. My crush will continue on with his life, my husband doesn't care that he's triggered me, or that this little gossip of his has hurt me so. The only person that stands to lose further is me.
I cry a little and head to sleep.
I wish I could say that I got much needed rest, just the opposite.
Nightmares, I kept dreaming that I arose from my slumber and binged on so many was so scary I was so sure I'd done it.
After an hour of torturous sleep I dragged my tired self out of bed. I need to work out, I need to do something.
My husband is back now from the park all too cheery. I can't stand the sight of him today. I don't argue though, I stay positive.
I tell myself that no matter what I will not show him how much that hurt.
I gear up for the elliptical, the workout is slow at first and then I build momentum. 600 calories burned in the hour followed by another hour of crunches, push ups and more body firming exercises. I'm sweaty and feel light.
I'm craving bananas now, ugh the night is almost finished.
I'm blogging now and then I'll head to bed folks.
I've done it.

Heartbreaks: 1
Binge: 0
Purge: 0
Positivity: 100%
Calories Consumed: 25

In your face Mia!
I won today. I can't belive I did it, one complete day not bent over a toilet.
I will stay positive, I will keep this up.
As for my crush, that's done. No more time spent with my head in the clouds, no more bubble gum dreams about men. Its time to get back to business, I will lose this weight and sculpt this physique, I will have a hot body. I can do this.
I will focus on me me me!
I will not let another man lead me on anymore.
Pooey love!
I won't say I'm fasting, instead this is a test run.
I want to try to not eat for three days, then try to live off meal replacements shakes and exercise. I want to try something, anything.
This weight has to come off, I've gained enough, how much you're wondering..
(Sighs heavily) 108lbs as of today.
That will change, I've fucked around enough with thoughts of recovery and looking healthy. I want to see bones, I want to feel light and empty always. I want to be free..


unbeautiful said...

Your daughter is so cute! I can tell she means a lot to you.
Great job on no b/ping today! Mia is a hard thing to beat. You have proven to yourself that you have the strength to overcome it. Be safe in your weight loss method (as safe as you can be with an eating disorder). Stay strong Lou.

hanrietta gray said...

you can do it i know you can. you beat mia once you can beat her as many times as you want. just try

Mich said...

Congrats on beating mia today! You did it once, that means you can do it again, and again and again. <3

Your daughter is so friggin cute.


Moonlight Mistress said...

Congrats on not giving in today. I know that must have been hard, but you did it!


Lucie Love Heart said...

Well done for not giving into mia. I worry about you though, I wish you would eat a little bit more. Much Love and your daughter is so cute, she has so much beautiful hair. I wish I had hair like that xx

Teuvo Vehkalahti said...

Greetings from Finland. This blog is fun to explore, through other countries, people, culture and nature. Come take a look Teuvo pictures blog. And tell all your friend, why you should visit Teuvo pictures blog. Therefore, to obtain your country's flag rise higher Teuvo blog pictures of the flag collection, Happy Thanksgiving to Teuvo Vehkalahti Finland