Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Silly Rabbit..

I didn't get much sleep last night, kept having nightmares about binging.
Woke up twice in the night to go weigh just to make sure it wasn't so.
This morning was crazy hat day, my daughter and I had a good laugh on the way to school, the morning was starting off good...was.
I'm real tired today and after much deliberation made the mistake of coming back home to sleep. I should have ran errands.
My husband wakes up and refuses to just give me money, I want to go to the Vitamin Shoppe, I want to drive alone and just reflect.
Nope, he wants to rush and come with me knowing very soon we'd have to head back to the school to get my daughter.
I make a comment about wanting to work already, and how I wish I could be stronger and how we really need to separate already.
He can't stand talk like that, so now the argument is in play and my trigger is set. Now the fight intensifies and my mood swing kicks in. I'm  pissed and sad.
I can't win can I?
This fucker knows that I didn't b/p yesterday, I was so happy that all I had today was coffee.
Now the fight is huge and tears and misunderstandings are everywhere, I can't even remember what the hell was even said now?
I have to get my daughter from school and on the drive there he begins to bring my crush up again, I don't need to hear this..
He begins to say that he had a chat with him yesterday in the park, and that my crush said that he wasn't seeing anyone, that teacher and him are just friends.
My husband is an asshole, a huge triggering asshole. I don't care anymore.
I'm so full of emotions, I can't even process which one I'm feeling.
The minute I get home I'm already defeated, my husband heads to the park with my daughter and I binge and then purge.
I'm a fat fool.
I'm finally down a pound at 107 and this is what I do!
I haven't weighed again, I'm sure its back up.
I'm a failure, I will never be able to do anything right. Why is this so hard?
Why why why!!!
I fucking hate myself, I made a salad and stared at the pretty long steel knife.
I cried for twenty minutes before I binged, I tried so hard to not binge. I wish I could've just plunged that blade in my neck and end it all already.
I even made the stuff I was going to binge on and just stared at it, resisting knowing that the minute I began a calm would ensue.
Then I still had a window where I hadn't started the binge, and what happens my husband calls.
He begins to tell me that if I want to separate I need to work so he can financially cut away from me.
He wants me to pay for my car and everything else already so he can go.
Like its so easy, like he can just walk away and be done with me again.
I wish I were stronger, I've been applying to places, but nothing.
I need money fast, someone suggested web cam modeling to me..
I may just do it, how bad can it be? it's work right?
I'm calling some clinics tomorrow to see about the therapy, I need medication. I fear that I'm getting worse and I think about ending my life too much.
I feel like no one gives a fuck about me, including myself.
Sometimes I secretly wish Mia would just get me already.

I'm tired of failing, I can't do anything right.
I wish I could just have a hug right about now.
So yeah, I've b/p one time today and now I have that craving to keep going. Instead of more binging I drank a whole powerade and downed a shit load of lax, I won't binge now, its safe. I don't wanna purge the lax so I should be okay for the rest of the night, when I take a lot of lax like this it makes me real sleepy for some reason, so that should be a bonus.
I may be real sick tomorrow but at least I won't binge again.
I'm going to catch up on blogs and Vlogs from Youtube, try to calm down, I'm crying all this angst out.
I'll make a to do list for tomorrow, I have a care package to the lovely Mich I wanna mail out. Makes me feel better to do things for other people so I'm looking forward to being out of this house.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I hope I can be strong.
I'm sorry for the depressing post everyone. I feel so sad now, like such a disappointment.
I hate that my positivity is so low now.
I'm so alone.


Almost.Skinny said...

I'm so happy you've got health insurance and are on your way to smiles- you deserve to be happy. I know it may not feel like it right now, but seriously- YOU DESERVE THE BEST IN LIFE! You and your daughter deserve a life full of giggles and cuddles, excitement and adventures. It will get better hun, hang in there *big hugs* xxx

AKA 'Krystal' said...

lulu - i am so sorry i could not help you! i have been here - bp all night i cant even see straight and my head feels like it is going to implode while exploding... it is bad... i know in my own way how you feel... i wish so oftent hat mia would just finish this already! some days, like you, i feel like ending everything but there are a few very important reasons i do not - just as u your very important reason - your wonderful beautiful daughter... she needs you more than anything or anyone, so if for today you cannot defeat mia that is ok - it is one set back and tomorrow we can make it work... me can beat her - one minute - even one second at a time. when we wait for hours - we are already defeating - even if it does feel like failure... hun im sorry about your asshole husband and im so sorry he triggered you - you know he does it because he knows he has lost you and you wont let hm have you back... so although you feel like you have lost - by resisting him more - you have already won! (((HUGS))) the biggest more caring hug is on its way through cyber space to you and i hope it helps you feel better or at least gives you a tiny smile and a thought that someone DOES really care and in my own way - totally understands. ttyt hun. sleep well and night.

Mich said...

You're not a failure. The fact that you keep trying and you keep wanting to do better and to be better shows that you are not a failure. You're strong, and you're very loved.

I hope things work out with the therapist. And I hope you have lots of better days ahead. <3


Anonymous said...

i'm sorry you're feeling like this, it's great that you have insurance now though :)
have you finished your tarot cards already?? i need to get on it. i hope you feel better tomorrow. and thanks for all your kind comments, they've made me smile