Thursday, February 24, 2011


I'm up and out the door on time this morning.
I'm not too anxious today.
8:30 and I'm still at the office. I was the second early bird to arrive here. Across from me is an older woman and her son, I kindly say good morning and get no return response. I don't know why I bother, must be these pesky things called manners, they're free in case you were wondering. My daughter has a class picture today, dress like your favorite teacher is cancelled. I've washed her hair and blow dried it. Straightened it as much as possible, I've also trimmed her bangs. That's all I can do for today.
I'm very cold today and my little black CB GB sweater is just not cutting it. My hands are so pale and my fingertips numb, purple even. Too many b/p episodes are taking its toll on me. I have to be at this office until 1pm. I've eaten a small banana and made my turkey shake, I've added vanilla extract to it today. I'm still experimenting with flavors.
I hope I can follow whatever is being explained to me. I've brought along a notebook for this very purpose. I'll scribble notes down in an effort to catch it all.
Last night I had one glass of wine and was out like a light. I'm grateful that I didn't end up drunk binging. My sister and I were on the phone late last night, we're making plans for next month. I'm headed up to see her for an impromptu vacation, just me and my daughter. I can't wait to get away.
My husband is staying behind to cat sit.
The office is too cold for me and it's too late to head downstairs for coffee. The woman next to me is lucky enough to have a cappuccino. After waiting for almost an hour already, I'm informed that the class will run until 3pm. I'm not happy with that, now I wish I had coffee. Good thing I brought along a Powerade and another banana in my purse. Looks like I'll need it.
So many people here today, I'm not panicky which is a miracle. I'm already thinking about the Subway restaurant in the lobby, they have both coffee and
5$ foot longs. I really shouldn't, maybe I should just stick to the coffee.
I have so much leftover food at home, I don't think I have the energy to fight off Mia today.
I feel nervous about my future suddenly, I'm thinking about what it would be like to start working again. Am I ready for that?
I really want to, I guess I'm just scared deep down inside. Moving on is happening one way or another. What if good things really are coming my way. I've been in the dumps so long, sunshine seems like such a foreign concept.
I'm not picky for work now, I will take whatever bone is thrown at me. I even feel like maybe going back to school or learning a trade. Nothing fantastic or life altering, maybe a Physical Therapist or something like Culinary or Pastry chef even if you can believe that.
So now I'm sitting here in the cold over crowded conference room filling out stacks of repetitive paperwork, trying my best to catch every little word that's uttered, writing it all down. So far I'm doing a good job.
My husband is the nervous one now, doesn't like the idea of me being away. I personally can't wait to spend time apart from him, I suspect we may even get along better this way.
Good grief it's only 10am now!

My class runs smoothly and I'm done. I have to come back next week and speak to my career advisor. I feel positive and in good spirits. I'm a little bit excited now thinking about enrolling in a school and learning a trade. We'll see what choices are out there next week. I call my husband to pick me up, he shows up late and dressed for work. My daughter is in the car and asking what job did I get. She wants to know if I'll be a teacher or Police woman. Those are her two current favorite dream jobs so far. To be so young and positively hopeful is a gift. I love my daughter so much, everything I struggle with is for her.
I will never give up.

I would like to tell you now that the rest of the day went well for me, but I would be lying.
I've b/p too much today, back to back I'm afraid. I even went to Dominoes pizza of all places. Pizza is a killer for me of course, but I've found a loophole-Thin crust!
I'm incredibly bloated now, all the b/p has ruined the Fiber's magic. I think my period is trying to come on as well, I have horrible cramps.
I've lost count of Mia's doing today, and now I'm really cold and dehydrated. Not to worry I am counteracting this behavior now with Gatorade and Water, Potassium, Magnesium supps and even more bananas. Trying to repair some of the damage. I've told myself already that tomorrow I will not indulge in this nonsense. I will try to salvage the weekend Mia free.
My eyes are really red, I think too many vessels popped and I have a huge awful blister in my mouth. Hard and purple full of blood or something disgusting. Bulimia is not pretty. I didn't even workout on the Elliptical today. Mia has stolen some days from me. I know my weight will be horrible tomorrow. I hope I can starve this weekend to balance out my fumbles.
Vlogging tomorrow and maybe a story? Let's see if my horrid memory can allow me recall how this Ed started. I hope I can get it all, my memory is so fuzzy, seems like I can't remember my own name at times. All I seem to be able to do is just survive day by day and being incredibly surprised when I do.


Teresa said...

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You can access info online @