Monday, February 14, 2011

Boo Love!

After vlogging last night, drank my sorrow until I could no longer keep my eyes open, fell right to sleep.
This morning, the dreaded Valentine's Day. Unless you're in love this day sucks.
I wish I was in love, I wish I had someone who was madly in love with me, someone who cared enough to do something spontaneous and romantic. Instead I am unhappily attached to a man who's broken my heart again and again, who's now numbed me to feeling anything.
The first thing I see in the morning is a giant hideous orchid and a heart shaped box of Russel Stover's chocolate. I hate both.

It's six am and here comes the trigger!
Number one I hate orchids, why you may be wondering, they are so pretty?
My mother adored orchids and so I hate it on principal. My mother was a mean alcoholic and my sister and I were her favorite targets to torture. My husband should have known better than to bring me the one flower that could bring up so many unhappy memories.
Number two, I hate those box chocolates, always have always will, they taste awful, I would never even binge on those no matter how desperate.
After thirteen years of being married to someone you would think that you'd know them by now.
He doesn't care to know me, he doesn't wanna know me, he just wanted to fulfill an obligation, to make sure I had something today, anything, the first thing he could get his hands on.
So that is how my morning started, in tears. I'm in my bathroom, cold and miserable.
I wish he wouldn't have gotten me a single thing. I feel like a bitch for thinking this, but I can't help it. I'm mad at him for still doing things like that too, makes it harder to disengage. Why won't he just give up on me already? Give up on the idea of us?
I want love, but not his.
He will never have my heart again, he doesn't deserve it.
Today I have to head to my daughter's school and pass out candies. Despite the crying fit I had silently in the shower, I manage to dress festively in red. I wanted to get into the spirit of giving which I rather enjoy especially when it comes to her school. This week I've given books, and now candies..

 I have three gift bags to pass out; teacher, secretary, my crush..
My daughter is in all red and excited to give her friends the candy and cards I spent last night preparing, must be nice to feel that excited about anything..
Its 60 degrees this morning and as much as I wish my very tight red long sleeved top could be enough to keep me warm, its not I need a sweater. Hate that I'm always cold, I must look so odd bundled up when everyone else isn't.
My crush is dressed in blue today, he looks very handsome. I can't help but feel excited in the mornings before seeing him. I wish I wasn't so shy, I wish I could pursue him. This weight gain makes me self conscious, I can't help but suck in this gut of mines and hope my round face isn't so hideous today.
I walk my daughter to the entrance and kiss her goodbye, I'll see her again in half an hour. My crush says hello to me as usual and I give him a genuine smile and hello.
I have something for you, Happy Valentine's Day...
His nice smile is huge and he is surprised, he chuckles in delight.
"Thank you baby, you're so sweet..Happy Valentine's Day too."
He skims the bag and then digs in his front pocket, he pulls something shiny out and gestures for my hand.
He hands me three Hershey's kisses.
How can something so small make me so happy?
My face is flushed suddenly and I can't even look him in the eye. Why can't I have someone like this in my life?
I thank him, our chat is cut off as their are other parents and children arriving. Lots of classrooms are having celebrations today, lots of cakes and balloons arriving left and right. Now comes the awkward part, apparently he's popular. In addition to my little gift, my crush starts to receive more chocolates and candy from other people. Kids from the school hand him Valentine's cards or lollipops. Some other mothers do too. Very soon he has a pile next to him of festive loot. Of course he would have many admirers, how thick can you get Lou?
Now I want nothing more than to head inside and fulfil my obligation. I analyze every woman who gave him something. There is a common theme with them all, they are dressed nicely, tailored hair and makeup. Naturally thin, average body types. Confident women who have perfect smiles and speak up to be heard, none of them like me, none of them meek.
I feel like a fool, a fat one at that.
Finally its time for me to head inside the classroom and put on a happy face. I couldn't wait to be done and head back home. I want to binge on eggs.
I want to eat away the disappointment that is my life.
I start to binge on breakfast and my husband wakes up. He is quiet and getting ready to head to work. Its a quiet morning, while he dresses I go purge. I feel no better. I just want this stupid day to end, I want this weight off,  I can't see my collarbones today at all. Fuck I'm so fat!
My husband leaves very quickly, he looks sad. If I were a better person, I would care that he feels that way, but instead I implode, I take the misplaced emotions and decide to eat them away, I want pizza.
When its time to pick up my daughter from school, Pizza Hut is where we head, she loves this of course, I just want to eat and be done.
I binge and the pizza is taking longer than I thought to fill me up?
Must mean that my stomach is bigger, great.
After I purge which was surprisingly easy now thanks to the abundance of acid and the hands free method which I'm now mastering, I go sit down to reflect.
I feel so fat, why did I eat and not purge? What on earth possessed me to keep food down? How can I get this off?
I know the gain could have been more or worse, I should be grateful for that, but I can't seem to enjoy anything. Checking my mail and finally good news, a letter saying I am approved for insurance, I am now officially insured.
Looks like I have some shrink shopping to do. I also need a dentist.
I had an awful dream that my back tooth fell out, scared me so much I woke up in a panic so certain that it was real.
So to recap I've b/p 2x today..
Epic Failure.
In my last binge I went ahead and experimented with the meal replacement shake again, I think I've found the winning formula; crushed ice, skim milk, lots of splenda, cinnamon. It was slightly tolerable.
Now if I could only be strong enough to just drink that and workout only. No b/p anywhere in the day then I might actually lose weight without having to resort to lax or diet pills, not to mention water pills and whatever other sordid thing I have to come up with. I need to be stronger, I need this weight off!

I miss love, being in love with someone. I miss kisses and holding hands with someone, I miss phone calls and texts. I miss daydreaming and fantasizing. I miss desire. I miss sex.
I miss possibility and probability.
I'm missing out on life.

Happy Valentine's day.


hanrietta gray said...

Valentines day can suck it. just being honest.

Fluo said...

I had a dream some of my teeth just suddenly fell out, It's now become one of my biggest fears, I know its silly but I kinda need them >.> so yeah. Valentines day is a bitch and try not to be too hard on yourself, you've done a lot of incredibly positive things today and made others happy :)

Moonlight Mistress said...

I use to have those teeth falling out dreams all the time when I was hardcore ana. That and binging dreams.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!


small said...

I am so happy your insurance came through.

Thinking of you <3

Dani said...

at least he go tu somethin ghun
i dont get nething form my boy which is fine i dont need enthing toknow that he loves me