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Friday, February 18, 2011

Health Scare #3

                                                                                       Mood:Lucky
Yesterday was awful, I felt awful failing and feeling so low I took more lax than I ever took before. I was trying to avoid another b/p. I knew if I took the lax I would be okay, I wouldn't purge.
The lax kept me up all night with cramps and plenty of false alarms. I lost so much sleep. I woke up at five am exactly and felt so tired I wanted to cry from sheer exhaustion.
I chatted with a friend early and then worked out and showered to start the day. I woke my daughter up and put the coffee on. Lax was still in effect.
Today was Tacky Tourist day and also the last day of school, a very long weekend ahead for me. I felt confident that I would not b/p. I was going to give it my all. I dropped my daughter off at school and headed back home to get things ready for the trip out.
I chatted with my very good friend who was also trying her best to avoid Mia. The two of us are some pair. We wake up everyday determined to beat this. Supportive and in total sync at times, so much so our periods almost always come around the same time.
I pray that we can beat Mia finally, I want that so much for us all. I'm on Facebook before I head out and find the last living uncle I had has just died of Kidney Failure. I am sadden by this news, but he was suffering terribly, he's at peace now. Now it's just my poor aunt left, all of her brother's and sisters have passed. The poor woman is devastated I can imagine. The deaths keep coming on my end of the spectrum.

I finally get everything that I need ready, my first stop is the post office, have some goodies to mail for a fellow Blogger..
I have officially downed around 3 1/2 cups of coffee. I'm wired and my stomach is grumbling in protest, lax is still in full effect.
I'm running errands and finally decide to head back, as I'm nearing my home, my car's gas gage starts beeping, looks like I'm about to run out of gas!
I call my husband who had assured me there was enough gas for me today. I have just enough gas to make it near a station, finally the car slows to a snails pace and it's done.
I call my husband who tells me he's on his way. I'm mad but grateful I'm in close vicinity to both a gas station and my home.
Husband arrives to the rescue. I'm not mad, but I'm feeling real sick. The lax is doing a number on me, it's been a long time since I've taken it and I've never felt this sick before.
The car is gassed and we head back home. At least I got some things done before everything went literally to shit.
Its time to get my daughter and I stay behind to unwind from the being left stranded drama.
My daughter is home and excited about her day at school, apparently she was the only child in her class who participated in the dressing up for charity. The principal and teacher were impressed and her photo was taken for the school's newsletter. My husband gets ready to go to work and I'm full of coffee and cold. I'm pretty okay that I haven't b/p yet. It's almost 3pm and he makes a comment about a meeting..
A meeting?
"You have a meeting with the landlord, it's on the calender. Are you going?"
he says very nonchalant.
It slipped my mind completely, there was a tenant/landlord meeting today at 3pm. Nonattendance means you're fined 50$.
I'm mad of course, I hop outta bed and dress quickly. A fight ensues.
I feel as though he didn't remind me on purpose, this is the most we've spoken since yesterday's awful triggering fight. If he knew all day I had a meeting, why tell me five minutes to the deadline?
In any case I'm mad, triggered again.
I head to the meeting which was a complete waste of time and energy, just a reminder from my slum landlord that any late rent will not be tolerated, more fines and such. So quick to take money, so slow to fix anything. This from the same woman who was charging me rent for a larger apartment, I live in a studio and was supposed to be paying much less.
More kicks for Lou, the things that happen only to me it feels like.
In any case I'm back home and my husband is more talkative and docile. I'm over the anger part, just feel overwhelmed still. I feel sick from the lax.
Before he goes to work my husband takes my daughter and I to buy something for dinner, I try to work it out in my head, I try to give myself a test. I honestly believed that I would pass it. I was wrong. I cave and b/p.
The food taste like nothing to me, its just things I shovel into my mouth, I hardly chew. I just want to feel full already so I can purge and get it over with. I eat to the point where it hurts, to the point that my stomach is both rock hard and distended. To the point where I am on auto pilot and have to just bend over and it comes out all its own now. The hands free method is now mastered.
Something happens behind the closed door of my bathroom, a personal hell I hope never to relive again.
The lax is now activated full blast. I am puring out of both ends. I am now depleting my body at a scary speed.
The nutrients are dwindling and my water is gone. I am now dangerously low and dehydrated. As I'm forcing the last of the meal out of me, a massive vertigo hits me and I almost fall forward on my face. In that moment a strange vision or deja vu feeling comes to me, and I see my own demise. I am naked purging and pass out. This is how I will die.
The dizziness is scary to me and I am done purging. I feel like there is something stuck in my throat still, so after a few minutes of settling down,  I go back and force more out. There is no more?
The feeling of slowly choking never leaves me.
I am feeling odd, I try to finish the rest of my day with organizing the house, but something is really wrong.
I think I screwed up.
My potassium and sugar are so low the left side of my body goes numb and I can't walk without feeling faint. There is no milk or bananas in the house. Nothing that can help me. I start to panic now because the feeling is intensifying, the tingly sensation is all over now, this reminds me of the awful day where I was so dehydrated an ambulance had to be called in a gas station parking lot. Except this felt worse.
I call my husband and let him know that something is wrong and he needs to be aware, he tells me he will come straight home.
In the meantime, I am online with my friend and we're coming up with possible remedies for a quick potassium and sugar solution.
A potato is nuked in the microwave to get me started, some juice that is almost sugar free is sipped and I'm in bed with the ac full blast trying not to panic as an attack will most certainly help nothing.
My husband finally arrives with bags of bananas and Gatorade. He knows all too well what has made this happen.
"You take too many laxatives, your body can't take all that, you have nothing in you to get rid of in the first place." he shakes his worried head in disapproval.
I begin to eat the bananas and drink Gatorade, I eat my potato and suddenly feel so full I begin to cry. The bloating happens almost immediately.
My husband tries to calm me down and all I want to do is purge it all.
After ten minutes I feel no better, I am now anxious because I have so much food in me. All my husband can do is look at me and pity my overblown reaction to what is a normal days worth of eating to anyone else.
He suggest we go for a drive to distract me, to let the food digest. I reluctantly agree. On the drive and it's so late, the only thing open at this time is a Walmart Supercenter. We head inside and I feel like everyone is looking at my huge stomach. I feel embarrassed.
My husband grabs a shopping cart and he and my daughter take turns pushing it, he loads the cart with Propel water, Gatorade, juice, milk, fruit. My daughter suddenly needs to use the bathroom, I do too I'm full of liquid. In the handicapped stall of the bathroom with a sink nearby, the urge to purge is available. I weigh the pros and cons of what could happen. I finally just give up and leave the food in me. I shouldn't throw it up.

We head to the aisle with all the vitamins, my husband was hoping to find a shake for me, I explain to him my plans.
I tell him that I need his help as I have no one else who can.
I need help to stop Mia. I explain as best I can how I feel about myself and why I think I b/p.
I tell him that I need him to help me with eating because I just don't know how to eat food anymore, I can't have one thing without it turning into a full blown food massacre. I think I need to have shakes daily, and then slowly introduce myself to the safe foods. I think if you help me then I can stop this.
"Okay, no more throwing up please, it breaks my heart to see you doing that to yourself, I don't say anything when you do it because I never knew you wanted to stop, or were trying to. I just stayed out of your way." he explained.
Well now you know, so help me.
Tomorrow we are headed to find me a meal replacement shake. He wants me to make a list of my safe foods. He also wants to be less triggering. I just want to make it more that a day without b/p. I want to be done with this.
My weight is up and I feel incredibly full and bloated. At home now and my kidneys have started to hurt. The lax is still working. I can't even imagine what my insides must look like.
I waddle to the bathroom and grab the rubbing alcohol, I ask my husband to please do me the favor. He is rubbing me down with the smelly green liquid and asking me why can't I see how thin I really am.
"You don't look sick, you look fit, healthy at this weight. Just stay at this weight and keep working out, you'll have one of those toned bodies, better than a skeleton."
In theory this sounds appealing, but I can't always feel as he does, there is this thing in me that won't let me see, won't let me enjoy.
It just wants me to lose and lose. To just keep going till there is no Lou left. It makes me do things and become this other person, one that doesn't care about her safety until it will be too late.
I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I just know that there are days where I'm okay and then there are days where I am not and nothing else matters except what that scale says.
I need to get this under control soon. My sister informs me that there is a package on its way with HMO options, I can even get up to 25$ worth of free over the counter medication. She tells me to just hold for a little bit more. There will be names of Dr's and Dentist for me to chose from in whatever field of medicine I need. I think maybe I can hold for a bit more.
I want to get better, but my ED has to come second, it can't be blamed as the primary source for all my problems, the other illnesses came first then the Ed not the other way around. My mental well being has to be taken care of first before any Dr. focuses solely on weight restoration.
So now at 5am again and I have officially been up for twenty four hours.
I am sipping water and have taken ginger. I am trying to help digestion along. I don't want to purge anymore.
Can I do this?
Do people really recover from Bulimia?
I hope tomorrow can be a success, I pray for the strength to leave Mia behind already. I just want to have some resemblance of a life, whatever that may be.

5 comments:

danae said...

i'm glad you're okay, and i really hope your husband start supporting and helping you. the idea you have with the shake is like what i started doing, just having liquids until i was ready to eat solids. i hope everything works out for you. good luck :) X

Fluo said...

hey Lou!
Heres a link to a youtube channel that helps people recover from bulimia, the tips and advice are from a recovering bulimic and she explains what she did during her recovery. I hope this helps!
Good Luck :)
http://www.youtube.com/user/mentalhealthhelpUK

Jenn said...

hi Babydoll. I just wanted to drop a note and say hi, thought about you lots yesterday--when all this was going on, I didn't even know. But I watched your last vlog yesterday and think about you lots and hope you're ok. I got sick on Wed, throwing up, body aches,etc... Thurs I was a bit better, but stomach hurt so bad all day. I couldn't sleep last night and only got about 3.5 hours. I couldn't fall asleep forever and then I woke up so early and couldn't go back to sleep. my back hurts BAD it makes my legs hurt and I can't relax. I don't normally have back pain :-( Now my husband is sick on the couch and I don't even know how I'm gonna get through this day! AH! I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old. I think I'll get the big one off to school, then take the little one to a girlfriends house to get babysat so we can try to get some sleep....

The other day when I was sick, I didn't eat all day, and I knew I needed to, I was scared I'd puke. Finally I decided on a baked potato too. It is such a comfort food at first, but then its so warm and big, bigger, biggest in my stomach and I want to cry and throw up. But I didn't.

Love you honey, hang in there today.
xo

Mich said...

You can do it. It'll be a long and difficult road, but you can recover. I know you can. <3

xoxo

Eager Enid said...

just so you know..i love your blog. you write with such brutal honesty. to be honest, if a day goes by and you don't post something i worry and hope you're ok. i know how close to the edge you are...i hope you get the help you need soon!