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Friday, February 4, 2011

Chest Pain

                                                                               Mood:Scared
I just ate two sandwiches, two donuts and three packs of cheese cracker things, I'm washing all of this down with sweet tea.
I'm really really cold, so cold that I have the small heater next to me, and its 80 degrees and sunny outside.
My chest hurts really bad now. I'm scared to go purge this food. I've even stopped mid-binge now. I don't know what to do, there's the voice inside me that's screaming get rid of it! Your weight is up beyond measure.
Then there's the sensible part of me that says heed the warning. Then again that same voice is asking me why does eating lately put such a strain on my heart? It tells me that I'm right in throwing it up or refusing altogether. I'm so confused right now, I can't win.
I hate this sharp throbbing, this sharp pain.
Is it because I'm running a fever?
Is it because I've just eaten?
Is it because my body still has two days worth of food slowly digesting as we speak?
Is it a heart attack or stroke?
I'm all alone in my house, just me and Lil Miss B.
"Mommy do you need company?" she asks seeing my distress.
She lays next to me and her little warm body feels nice. She rubs my back and asks what medicine to fetch to make me feel better?
No baby I'm afraid there's nothing I can take for this.
She excuses herself to go check on her program, Yo Gabba Gabba, how funny they have Weird Al Yankovic on there today. Gabba Gabba reminds me of a ghetto Sesame Street sometimes.
I have the worst luck, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I called my sister just to hear another adults voice, my daughter is very talkative now. My head is spinning, feels like a ride I don't remember getting on.
I was doing so well, I honestly wasn't going to eat today, I went to do groceries and my husband reluctantly drove, sometimes it's like he doesn't give a shit. Then he wonders why I blow up. He waited in the car while I went in circles in the huge cold grocery store trying to remember everything I wanted to get.
I pushed the over stuffed buggy back to the car and we began to load the groceries. He makes a face because he has to haul this up to the third floor of my tiny studio apartment. I have to get the majority of things I need now, this store is really far away and I can't be driving back and forth when I need something. Men don't get it. If it were up to him, he'd make a trip up here everyday. On the drive home I lay back in the passenger's side and close my eyes. I'm dressed in layers and still cold. We have a lot of groceries in the trunk. He's mad and its so triggering, I can't wait to shovel things in my mouth now and then throw it up.
While he loads his arms up with plastic bags I open the door for him and he rushes upstairs. He tells me to grab what I can and leave it in the hallway and he'll drag it upstairs. I grab most of what I can and head up the stairs not stopping at all. I want this to end already, I'm bothering him and I don't want to, he says he wants to sleep some. I just want to not be a bother. I just want to not piss anyone off. Why can't I do that? I feel so sad, but there's no time for mood swings now have to take all this up so he can sleep and I can rest finally. I'm a little sleepy but more thirsty than anything. My breathing is shallow and my heart is pumping so fast, I make it upstairs-God where does this strength come from? Thank you for it. I can't wait to just rest, my baby knows its grocery day and she requested strawberries, says she wants to eat then in bed with me. She's now making me a get well card as I type this.
Is this anxiety? I can't tell, although I am feeling panicked now. I'm freezing, have the shakes now.
I feel as though I'm being set up. I ate for two whole days and I gained, although I'm more bloated than anything. Yea apparently I've read when Bulimics go into recovery this happens to them ALOT!
Not that I'm anywhere near recovery, but it's good to read dup on iy. Wish I had a workbook or manual that tells you how to stop.
So dam triggering, this stupid Judas body of mines. I'm being punished for eating. My heart can't take the extra weight, my body can't digest it fast enough, I'm sick and no immunities to help even make me feel better by just a bit. Makes me not want to care further, makes me want to go purge this right now and just take my chances.
If I eat it's bad, if I don't it's bad..I'm stuck.
The worst part is I have no one In Real Life to talk to about this. No group to go to, no therapist. I'm all alone with no one to turn to. No one who can tell me that this will pass.
I hear "Eat" that will make me feel better, I don't know how to eat anymore?
Everything turns into this excess.
The inside of my mouth is so trashed right now. Blisters and sore teeth. Hurts to chew.  Hope I don't get TMJ too.

TMJ "Syndrome" and Related TMJ Problems - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw (where the lower jaw hinges to the skull) creating pain in the joint area, headaches, and problems chewing and opening/closing the mouth. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes.


I don't know how to act around food, it makes me feel like one of those glittery vamps around a drop of blood..
I'm a freak.
The fever is taking hold good now, 103 and climbing. I didn't purge, not because I didn't want to because I couldn't. It's too painful, I thought my eyeballs were going to fall out of my head.
I wish I could rest but I can't, a six year old doesn't understand that I need sleep, she doesn't like naps.
I've taken something for the fever and I'm just waiting, a fat bloated Lou hot as a sausage in a frying pan. Waiting again for rescue, waiting again as usual.
The phone calls come and I speak to my brother and sister, talking helps some. My husband is on his way home, he feels dizzy at work now and decided to come home to sleep. Must be nice.
I wish I could sleep sometimes and never wake up.

5 comments:

clytie said...

I wish your husband treated you better. You're obviously in a lot of pain and distress, and his nonchalance is upsetting. I wish you had someone who cared more.

Almost.Skinny said...

Listen to your body!!! If you're having serious chest pains get to a doctor! You're sick with the flu- go now! you could say its about that and just mention the chest pain when you're there? If you want someone to talk to you could ask for a referral?
The weight you gain in recovery is just your body trying to re-adjust, your weight will even out again you've just got to stick it out and keep working on eating healthy regular portions of food. They say it takes 4 weeks to break an addiction and learn a new pattern- from my experience thats about right, it gets easier eventually- I promise. I think your body is freaking because it's sick too... and you may have eaten too much/too rich/heavy foods for it to handle after so long without. Perhaps you could try keeping down small light meals like fruit and salad to get it working again?
Your daughter sounds gorgeous! I hope you feel better soon! rest up and take care xxx

Almost.Skinny said...

Listen to your body!!! If you're having serious chest pains get to a doctor! You're sick with the flu- go now! you could say its about that and just mention the chest pain when you're there? If you want someone to talk to you could ask for a referral?
The weight you gain in recovery is just your body trying to re-adjust, your weight will even out again you've just got to stick it out and keep working on eating healthy regular portions of food. They say it takes 4 weeks to break an addiction and learn a new pattern- from my experience thats about right, it gets easier eventually- I promise. I think your body is freaking because it's sick too... and you may have eaten too much/too rich/heavy foods for it to handle after so long without. Perhaps you could try keeping down small light meals like fruit and salad to get it working again?
Your daughter sounds gorgeous! I hope you feel better soon! rest up and take care xxx

small said...

I am cold all the time, aaaaalll the time. I have a space heater at my feet that I carry from room to room (at work and at home) and when I am at home, sometimes I wrap myself in an electric blanket *in addition to* the space heater.

Always being cold is an occupational hazard of ana, I suppose.

I just read that you have sent goodies!!!!!!!

Color me excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenn said...

Sorry you're sick peanut. Take a day off from purging AT ALL. eat yuumy wholesome food--chicken soup really helps. No joke. I really hope you feel better tomorrow, even if you do, STILL take a day off ok??

I have TMJ. It DOES suck, but once I faced the truth, it's manageable--for me. I know it's different for everyone. Surgery is just not an option for me so I have to just NOT eat certain things that give me flare ups. Or if I do, take a muscle relaxer, and suffer the consequences. The last thing to KILL my tmj was a super chewy panzanela salad. it was so good though.

xoxoxo