Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Monday morning and I'm taking my daughter to school.
I am incredibly dizzy, getting pretty dehydrated again. I'm so tired.
Its Autism week at school, everyday a different activity for the children to participate in. Monday's activity, dress inside out day.
My daughter loves this, she thinks it's hysterical.
I'm driving carefully and finally make it to the school in one piece, I was suppressing an anxiety attack. I know any second it will hit me, the panic.
There is a bakery nearby and I stop there to eat, if I eat then this feeling will go away.
I order some items and sit until it passes, I feel both better and worse at the same time. Better because I can drive home now, worse because it's too early to start the b/p. Mornings are getting harder for me, used to be I could soar throughout the whole of the day and only b/p in the afternoons, now I can't say that anymore, mornings are getting to be a problem.
I rush home so I can finish the binging, I've already started the thing, should just go ahead and get as much as I can in. I'm incredibly exhausted after I purge, this has been happening a lot lately, the draining of energy, so much so I have to take a nap. I was suppose to go car shopping today but am unable to, have to wait for UPS to deliver my uncle's urn. My husband wakes me up to tell me that someone is buying his car today and he has to drop the car off to them later along with the title. He keeps my old car, I get a new one.
I don't like driving at night, makes me incredibly nervous, I don't have the greatest night vision. Looks like tonight I'll be driving. After my husband leaves to get my daughter from school, the Urn arrives. Now it's time to make the transfer.
I open the box my uncle is sealed in and there are the ashes, it resembles white gravel, not fine ash like I'd thought human remains would look like. The urn has a small opening on top, but has a large enough bottom to hold an adult. I have no idea how to do this?
I have to stuff my uncle in this tiny hole. Feels wrong and strange. In doing this, it's all too much and I get incredibly sad. I manage to finish and now that's it. I place the urn on a table and there my uncle will stay. My daughter is back and full of questions concerning the urn. The death talk is explained again to her. I don't know if she really understands or not, but she's pretty clever for her age.
My husband takes her to the park to kill time before we have to drive out and drop off the car. So b/p again.
My period is still on and heavy. I'm bloated and retaining water. My weight is up and I have no idea if it's an actual gain or not. I feel fat.
I'm worried now because I have PCOS (Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome) and if this bleeding doesn't stop that means I have to go to the hospital again. I hate hospitals. My insurance card is not here yet so I can't even afford another visit right now. I despise the gyno.
I have to lay down again after purge number two, I fall asleep until 9pm when it's time to go drop the car off. I didn't even get a chance to workout.
The elliptical is taking some getting used to. I'm incredibly sore after a workout and tired. I must admit that I miss the treadmill and wonder if I made the right decision by investing in this machine instead. Too late now.
I guess maybe it just takes time. I'm in a strange place now with my weight and how I feel. The added gain is confusing. I want it because I think I'm getting too skinny, then again I want it off and then some. I'm ambivalent about recovery again. I just don't know what I want anymore.
I wake up dizzy and sleepy still, now I can't believe I have to drive at night somewhere. I drink juice and I don't know why, I guess maybe I thought I would feel better in doing this, decide to eat two donuts. FML!
Now after ingesting the second one I realize what I've started, a third binge in waiting. I put it off for now until we get back home..
The car sale is done and I'm binging again. I purge until I can't keep my eyes open. I'm getting so weak now, it was never like this before. I'm getting out of breath too when I talk even. I'm so tired, my skin is so dry and itchy. My scalp too. I just want to sleep all the time now.
I think my body is slowing down now. Holding on desperately to any pounds that get put on, my period won't go away because my hormones are severely imbalanced. I'm a mess.
Tuesday is car shopping day and also Mix and Match day at school. My daughter looks like Punky Brewster she's so colorful.. Almost sent her to school with two pigtails she's so cute.
So the car shopping starts out bad because I have fallen asleep in the car. I'm weak. At the gas station I head inside and buy one of those fatty sports shakes, 350 calories and full of potassium and sodium, vitamins too. Strawberry is the only flavor they had. I buy water and powerade too. I'm dehydrated, my pee is a neon yellow today. I sip it slow and start to feel better, doesn't taste so bad.
I have two cars in mind and so the shopping begins from lot to lot.
I realize that the mechanic isn't with us yet, why is my husband not calling him?
After the fifth car dealership and I see a pattern, my car choice getting bumped. My second choice car not even mentioned.
I see now, the rug is getting pulled from under me again. Silly Lou don't you know what settling is yet by now.
I'm not getting the car I want, or even my second choice. I'm being pressured into other car choices because my husband refuses to pay over a certain amount. I'm mad because this isn't what we discussed. My first choice car is actually a reasonable price, I've done my homework. Men-never listen!
More so he suggests cars to me that I know he wants to drive and likes. He loves to drive both cars and leave me locked up at home with nowhere to go, no money to spend. Enough gas in car just to drive to school.
Why does this manipulation keep happening to me?
I know why, because I took pity on him and allowed him back into my life. Now he thinks he's here to stay and is carving a niche for himself.
Finally after a wasted day and high hopes, it was time to head back home, my daughter is getting out of school now.
I love my daughter's Charter School, I feel as though my daughter's educational level right now is high. The activities and projects are great, I love volunteering and donating whenever I can. The one thing that I cannot stand from my daughter's teacher is this, she tends to send home projects due the very next day. Of course these projects are asking for specific things. Foam Letters to make a giant Valentines, personal pictures of people my daughter loves and the list goes on. It's a parent/child project and due Wednesday. I'm tired and triggered from the dealership. Now I have to deal with this late running around. Foam letters?
Store to store and I can't find them, I have to email the teacher and ask about the letters. My husband leaves me alone the rest of the evening by taking my daughter to the movies, I b/p again and then workout while waiting for a return email from the teacher.
I'm really dizzy now after my shower and still have to do the project.
My daughter and husband are back, the email arrives and I can use glitter instead of the foam letters. I wish I knew that earlier.
My husband is unfazed by the project, he's watching basketball. I dress in layers, it's cold outside tonight. I decide to walk to Walgreen's and see if I can find some glitter, getting out the house feels nice. I don't care that my chest hurts or how cold it is, I go and get lost in thought. I complete the school project and have a glass of wine to sleep.
This morning I thought the car shopping would start early. I was wrong.
My husband is still asleep, why can't he just be a grown up and wake his own self up?
I get pissed and start to binge, then after 10 minutes of this to y horror I look over to the table and see my daughter's project sitting there. It never got packed in her book bag!
Dammit, my husband hears my cry and wakes up.
This time he gets it all his own, he begins to dress and heads to the school. I finish binging although it's the smallest one to date. We can go shopping now. Day two is no better, I'm looking for a car that I don't like, I'm just trying to hurry up and pick something, my husband is annoying. He doesn't want to drive around. The car I currently chose is overpriced at every dealer we go to, I don't want to say I told you so to him, but I did.
After all the running around we end up back at the first dealership with the car that I really wanted. He realizes that I was making sense after all. Luckily the car was still there and the salesman reduced the price significantly for us, haggling works.
My car will be ready Friday. I can't wait. I just wish I could be taken more seriously when it comes to big decisions, I do my research, I'm not a dumb blonde.
On the way back home and turning the corner to my house a little old lady trying to get on the sidewalk with her cane falls backwards in the street. Looks like a nasty tumble, I jump out of the car and rush to her aid to help her up. The poor woman starts crying, I help her up and lead her to the sidewalk. She is so grateful, no one else helped her, people just ignored her completely?
What is this world coming to, why aren't more manners or golden rules used?
In any event, I did a selfless act for a stranger.
Feels nice to help others, only wish someone could return the favor and help me too..


unbeautiful said...

It's really great that you helped that elderly lady. Selfless acts make people feel better about themselves (or so I'm told).
I liked reading the tiny bit of you that wants recovery. That's the first step. I hope you get your insurance card soon so (if you want) you can start the recovery process. You can see how badly this is damaging you. I doubt you want to live this way. Recovery may be hard but it will set you free.
Stay strong.

Dylphe said...

yeah i know what you mean, people have just gotten so rude. they'll run you over, and if you bump into someone and apologize there's no acknowledgment. i've even had the situation when i do help there's no thanks. then i wonder why do i even bother...but i still do. i hope things get better for you. i'm sorry i've been so absent lately i just now caught on to all the blogs. i love your vlogs by the way as soon as i'm done on blogger i will be subscribing to your channel. maybe i'll vlog today.

small said...

That was so kind of you to help the elderly lady.

We're all here for you but I know that can only go so far.

Remember you have everything you need inside of you, it's a part of who you are.