Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Crazy Socks indeed

This morning I'm suppose to head out Workforce, an agency that helps employ people.
I'm not looking forward to this because it means that I would have to be in close quarters with strangers and worst of all pay attention to things that would be explained to me.
I have a hard time remembering things, especially with someone Else's explanation. I'm already in a bad mood from last night's late and unnecessary binge. I'm really anxious, my breathing is starting to get shallow. I fear a panic attack is on the horizon.
I wake up at 5:30 this morning instead of six and start the school routine.
Today is crazy socks day at school. My daughter has a few pairs to pick from.
I feel light headed and after taking my pills feel nauseous. The pills feel like they are digesting in my throat instead of stomach. I hope they don't come up again on their own. Sometimes I'll bend over and whatever I drank earlier would try to come back up too.
Be careful what you wish for.

My daughter had crazier socks, yet this morning she chose these, said she wanted to save the craziness for another day. Well I won't argue with her, she likes to dress herself now and her fashion choices always put a smile on my face, she has her own personality and style and I won't ever take that from her.
After dropping her off at school I'm really dizzy and know for certain this is a prelude to the day. I decide to binge as soon as I get home. I'd cave eventually today. I had a pork shoulder marinating in the fridge that has to be cooked today. I've been dying to eat pulled pork for awhile now, so here's my chance.
To make a decision like today I will binge is a different animal entirely, my mood is altered and the disappointment and misery that accompany this are nowhere to be found. The meals are planned and the day is calm.
I know that I will be fine if I can just get this out of my system.
So I have.
At home and my husband is asleep, I am at the computer desk online quietly binging and chatting with a friend. I am trying to be as quiet as possible, I know my husband will not nag me about binging, but he doesn't like it and now that the shake deal has been made I feel embarrassed to even be seen eating. I thought I could pull this off but no, he lifts his groggy head from under the covers.
"What time do you want me to drop you off at that work thing?" he asks eyeing the various food items scattered all over the desk.
I must look like a pig, maybe it's not my spine that I sit on, but rather a curly tail?
I tell him its not time yet, that he can sleep some more. He is restless in the bed but manages to quiet enough for me to assume he's fallen back asleep. I go ahead and wrap things up. My first purge and the pound that was gained is now lost.
Here we go, the can of worms is now open.
When its time to go, I pack in my purse a powerade and even a banana. I feel sleepy, I'd love nothing more than to sleep.
Please, please, no panic attack today..
The office is rather large and I head into the building. I notice from the corner of my eye that my husband's car is still in the vicinity, I step back out the door and give him the universal shoulders raised, as if to say what are you doing?
He wanted to make sure I had the right place, or so he says.
I honestly think he's just checking up on me. He's paranoid.
Karma is a beautiful thing, and it never fails. An affair is always messy business and he knows that. While there is no other man in my life right now, rest assured its in the cards that there will be one. Kinda funny actually that my tarot says it will be a co worker.
Hmm maybe this workforce thing is a sign of things to come. I actually feel like things are moving at full speed ahead now. I may actually get what's coming to me.
In any case, I believe my husband knows this too and is genuinely worried now. I'm not a bad person, and I think I can safely say despite the crazy that I sometimes project there are things about me that dare I say are lovable. I may even be a catch?
Bottom line, I'm due for someone who deserves me. I'm ready for my match whoever this person is.
My husband leaves finally and I head upstairs to the eleventh floor for my orientation and sign in.
I'm nervous now and feel incredibly self conscious. I'm glad I brought a sweater because it is cold inside. The central air is on full blast, this only makes me sleepier. At the front desk and the bitter looking short and stocky brunette addresses me.
"What can I do for you?" she asks in a voice that doesn't go with her appearance.
I'm here to register.
The lady rolls her eyes at me!
How rude. She tells me that registration is on Thursdays and at 8am, so not only do I have the wrong day, I'm like two hours late.
I'm given a schedule and am practically almost shooed out of the office. This is why I avoid people like the plague..
I lost a day, I thought today was Thursday. I hate getting mixed up like that, makes me wonder about my sanity. Looks like my daughter isn't the only one wearing crazy socks today.
Great now I have to do this all over again tomorrow, hope she has the day off.
Home now and I take off everything except my undies and hop into bed. I thought that I would have to fight to sleep but I don't. I close my eyes for a second and don't wake up for about an hour, almost two.
I have to make myself wake up, the sleep was wonderful but I still feel so exhausted. Its time for my daughter to come home. The pork shoulder in the slow cooker is almost done, I have to make rice and mashed potatoes.
I have a missed call on my phone and it's my oldest brother. I wonder what he wants?
My husband leaves to get my daughter and I return the call.
My brother wants to come over and use my printer, he's also leaving for Jamica until Monday. I'd like to see him before he goes, good thing I've made a lot of food. After we end the call I decide to bake a cake, I plan on feeding my poor widowed brother who's been living off Church's Chicken and Taco Bell I'm sure.
The food is almost ready and my brother is not here yet, I still feel like more b/p. I know if I don't and he's here I will be in a bad mood. So I go ahead and binge, a small one, so small my weight only goes up two pounds.
Relief, then the food is all done, cake too.
My brother is still not here and my daughter wants dinner, looks like we eat again. So now that makes 3x and that's the maxium allowed, except that I feel more and more awake and aware after each purge. I start to feel better not worse.
I didn't even get a chance to try the cake.
My brother finally arrives and its food and Avatar, small talk and catching up. The visit isn't too long and the minute he leaves, I have my cake and eat it too.
So now here we are, one pound down again and 4x purged.
Tomorrow's Autism activity is cancelled, instead it's Class Picture Day at the school. I have to be at the office at 8am, the same time my daughter needs to be at school..
It sounds triggering already as I am the only morning person in the house who belives in schedules. I need to get her in the shower and do something with all that hair. My husband takes forever to get up, I hope I don't chew anyone's head off tomorrow morning.
I didn't even get to work out today. No matter I'll try to stay positive and hope that the day will start off well and I get done what's needed.
I have no idea if Mia will visit again or not, but all I know is that I will be plenty tired for sure.
I hope you all are well and I hope you are raising awareness in some small way out there. I'd love to live and see the day when Eating Disorders would be taken seriously instead of just this odd thing that gets laughed at and stereo typed.
Maybe then will recovery be something easier to achieve. Not so hard and even affordable, insurance companies finally realizing that this is an illness that needs looking after.
Goodnight all, I'm off to bed for much needed rest. I'll see what I can tell you about me and my Eating Disorder tomorrow.
Any suggestions?
What can I say about it really that isn't as plain as the nose on my face?