Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jagged Little Pill

                                                                                            Mood:Turkey Coma
Monday turned out to be a b/p free day after all.
This morning was Dress like a rainbow day at school..

My daughter could not wait to don the colorful clothing.
She actually wants to wear this get up more often!
Oh boy.
The atmosphere this morning was good as is the weather lately, I don't feel cold anymore these days..
I woke up in great spirits and managed to maintain my weight. I haven't lost anymore but I haven't gained either so I'll take the trade.
I can't believe I actually had a deadline set in mind for next month, I obviously won't make that, I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself.
I have no idea when all this weight will come off, all I know is that my habits are not helping.
I don't sleep and I've just started to actually drink more fluids again.
All of the b/p are not helping matters. I'm exercising more but I'm actually eating less calories. I have hardly any safe foods left. I need to really map out what is going on.
The meal replacement shakes are a great idea but I have to really stick to them, the b/p in between just set me back. I don't like my body today, I feel like I can't see any definition anymore, I feel like a blob.
I drop my daughter off at school and then head to Walmart for more shopping, I've found the rest of the accessories for her Cinderella costume. She's going to look so cute. My husband tags along and is incredibly draining and at one point triggering. His mood is awful as he is clearly hungover. He's drinking too much, he finished a bottle of brandy and still unsatisfied went for my wine and opened a nice bottle of Merlot I was saving. He even had munchies later on in the night. I managed to avoid him entirely last night by staying online chatting and looking at Youtube vlogs I'm subscribed to.
I've already had a shake this morning and of course the effects are starting to weigh me down, by then its time to head home anyways.
I've taken all my supps this morning and the oddest thing started to happen.
The pills began to slowly creep back up on their own. They almost made me choke. The ginger and fish oil were the worst to taste when that happened.
I've heard about this happening, after awhile your body will regurgitate food or drink all on its own. I guess I've worn out a lot of muscle in my insides.
After my turkey shake induced coma nap, I wake up and shower, I need to workout as I managed entirely to not to yesterday. Another shake and then a very nice 700 calories burned.
I actually pushed myself well.
I'm chatting with my sister and suddenly a drink of water turns out to be incredibly triggering. To top that off I make the mistake of weighing again. Of course its up and the pound I've lost is nowhere to be found.
What can I do now but binge.
I get full quick of course and have to go purge, my husband is off today and still up and lingering about the house. I hate that he puts the volume down on the TV while I'm in the bathroom. I can't purge right, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I don't get it all out I think. FML!
I'm 10 kinds of pissed off right now you just have no idea.
I'm real tired too, my eyes hurt and so does my head.
I get back in bed afterwards and an IM window pops up on screen. It's someone I want to talk to but have no real energy to. I planned on going right to sleep.
So of course I'm not in the best of moods and this person wants to know why.
I just tell them that I just really want to avoid people right now, (in general no one specific) its mostly in part because I have an appointment in the morning for a work agency and I'm not looking forward to being in a roomful of strangers. I'm already feeling real anxious just thinking about it. I hope I don't panic tomorrow. Besides that I'm also mad because I b/p and didn't purge everything out thanks to my eavesdropping husband.
I can't tell this person that because they won't understand.
Has someone ever asked you what's wrong?
I'd love to explain the real reasons for being so moody, but they are all Ed related and only someone like me could understand and feel the exact same way. I can't make another person understand what I'm feeling, they could never understand and I'm sure if I said, well I'm mad because the pound I lost that took forever to do is now gone!
I'm sure I would come off as sounding incredibly shallow and vain. An outsider could never grasp what losing or gaining one stupid pound does to you.
So as I tell this person about how I just want to avoid people right now, they excuse themselves from the conversation.
How is that not triggering!
Oh well right now I'm just thinking about me, can't worry about hurt feelings I'm afraid.
My eyes wanna close on me now. I'm so tired. I think I'll head to bed, I think this may even be posted late I'm afraid.
Bad Blogger..


Elara said...

Work agencies care less about your demeanor in favor of your abilities, if that helps. I took the alphanumeric and 10 key typing tests with obviously shaking hands and the staffer never once commented or left a negative mark. Get there early and relax in the parking lot to muisc that calms or excites you. Good luck finding a position.

Also, if you keep experiencing fishy tasting reflux, try freezing those pills before you take them. Big difference.

wj89 said...

Good luck with the work agency :)